addiction, alcohol, experience, recovery, sobriety, the middle

This is Why

I have caught myself thinking about alcohol a lot today.  Each time I go “no, no, no.  no more.  you have a problem.  you are done.  stop wasting the space on that crap.”  I imagine how easy it would be to just grab some wine, bail on Pilates class, and drink the entire bottle in two hours.  Only in turn to wake up in the morning and continue to hate myself and dwell on the fact that I can’t get past all of this.  There is this very small linger of hope I look to that says “you will really enjoy sober life.  once you find it.  you will love it.  keep going.”

So with that being said I have decided to sit down and make a list of all the reason I need/want/have to quit drinking.

1) I always regret the amount I drink the morning after, almost every single time.

2) It makes me fat, bloated, and gross.

3) It makes me lazy.  Not only do I not work out, ever – the thought of cooking or walking to get something fairly healthy for dinner seems like a ridiculous task so I order expensive/unhealthy food instead.

4) I spend a shit ton – I mean a shit ton of money on booze.  And the expensive food to go with it.

5) I become an overly sensitive, touchy mess with everything.  Tone.. Jokes.. Comments.. all of them.  Not only that but then I lash out on whoever “offended” me.

6) With #5 comes arguments, tears, and depression.  A lot of all those things.

7) Did I mention it makes me sensitive which leads to arguments and tears?  Ya, it does that.

8) I sleep like crap.  I will usually wake up from 2 am to 6 am just thinking about “why did I drink so much.  I cannot keep living this way” thoughts.

9) When I sleep like crap I then call into work late.  Not great Sauvvy.. Not great.

10) It makes me feel awful and terrible about myself.  In every shape and form.

11) I don’t remember anything. Literally anything. All the talks I’ve had. Concerts I’ve been to. Movies and shows I’ve seen. I don’t remember them.

12) I am not happy with myself because of my drinking problem and I will not ever be genuinely happy if I continue to drink.

Ok.  That’s what I have for now, but I would say for 5 minutes of typing that is only scratching the surface.

12 thoughts on “This is Why

    1. Pilates is AMAZING, ours has cardio mini trampoline class. Worth trying if you haven’t yet! I just wish I was going more – but hopefully now I can, haha. Thanks for the support!!!

  1. Ah. I agree with all of those but 11 caught my eye. I remember being at the bar with a friend when our bartender came over and staring talking about how she got sober because she would realize in the morning all the shows she watched she couldn’t remember anything about them. My friend, who I love, looked at me and said ‘wow, you must be real bad if that happens.’ I didn’t tell her that was me everyday. One of many eye openers!
    Many blessings to you!!! Good for you for making a concrete list of reasons.

  2. Almost 11 months sober and I am watching so many things over again. Drunk viewing and reading sucks. So does self loathing, depression, and lack of sleep.
    Great list. It makes it worth the fight. Sober sleep rocks.
    You can do this. It DOES get easier.

  3. I swear I could have written this myself. You got this, Suavvy. YOU GOT THIS. This is a great list to print out and always have on hand.

  4. You will really enjoy a sober life. None of those 12 things are a part of it.
    I love remembering the score of Monday night football.

    I didn’t know how I would possibly live without booze. Now my life is fun, clear, full and contented.

    Yours will be too!

  5. Great list. Universal thoughts about the negatives of drinking. What are your positives about sobriety? That’s a more important list – more motivational than a “negatives” list.

  6. Great post! I’m watching “The Help” tonight which I’ve already seen but was drunk so it will be like seeing it for the first time. Keep that list near you and keep writing. We’re all cheering for you!

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