addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, strength, the end

Treatment Diary

Day One. July 3, 2019

Here you are – you took the risk, the step, the plunge. This was no easy decision it’s likely the hardest one of your life. I still feel ashamed, embarrassed, but part of me feels like this is where I should be right now.

The first meeting was introductions in answering “what do you want from Powell CDC?” I responded with something along the lines of “I want to dig deeper into the steps to gain a better understanding of them. Clearly they have worked for so long and for so many people in the past that I now realize what I have been doing just simply won’t work. I need to try something else and I hope leaving Powell I will feel proud and confident that I have gained the tools to beat this.”

Second session was a meditation AA meeting which I actually enjoyed a lot. We discussed the 11th step – I’d write it out, but at this point I don’t even know what the 11th step is. We did a 10 minute meditation prior to four people discussing their thoughts on step 11. After that we had a Speaker share her story of growing up: through her journey of trauma, addiction, poor decisions, and it really hit home for me. She expressed that bad decision after bad decision she simply couldn’t stop the drinking. I became overwhelmed. I felt every ounce of her pain and I broke for her. She made me feel like I wasn’t alone, like there were more people out there like me. Maybe I can do this? Is it possible? I’ve been sober for two days and while that is only two days I need to remember and be proud that I made those calls and that I walked through those doors. Wanting to change, dying to change, and needing to change. I made it. I made it here. I made it back. Just need to hang on.

addiction, alcohol, hope, recovery, sobriety, strength, the end

I See You

I know you follow me around everyday. 

I can see and think of you every moment of every hour.


You’re sort of this distant thought on a lot of my days.

Which can be good or bad,

Depending on who you ask.



You seem to be doing well.

Staying strong and ready for me to come back.

But truth is - without you,

I’m doing alright.

Life has been different since we separated.

I wasn’t sure how to have fun,

And I didn’t know how to live my life without you.

I had to unlearn everything I knew.

And relearn everything all over again.



I will say that it is nice not to be obsessing over you.

Not hurting those I love because of you.

You really messed things up for me for a while.

I honestly don’t know how I sustained the energy,


To keep you in my life for so long.



I am thankful we parted ways though.

You made my life hard, sad and difficult.

Your darkness - it’s so powerful,

Powerful enough that not even the smallest glimmer of light could find me in those days.

Some moments I miss being comforted by you.

While others, I could not imagine still being attached to you.



You have this innate ability to find the struggling, the sick and the suffering.

You have the power to hang on for as long as they will allow.

You destroy their lives, their relationships, their love,

And do so unemotionally.



Many people don't like speaking about you.

Theirs a stigma that follows you.

A lot of times people turn their nose up,

And they wonder why those of us who suffer cannot just quit.

But how do we quit something that lives within us.

How do we quit something that is biologically connected to us.

The short answer is we can't.


Not alone.

Its going to take an army of soldiers to overcome this battle.



If there is one thing I can promise,

To you and myself.

It is that my experience with you will not fall in vain.

I will continue to show up and speak out.

To show those who suffer the compassion,

The grace, and the support as I have seen from those before me.



Your existence may never cease.

But my hope is with time you become more widely discussed,


And your presence more accepted,

That for those who experience you are not forever a lost soul.

They simply need help finding the light while they search for the drive to survive.



-x

Written by Bri Jean

addiction, alcohol, hope, recovery, sobriety, strength, the end

Hello, my name is

When I woke up yesterday I had absolutely no intention of writing any of this. I opened my phone to see an email on this account which I had thought and intended to be and remain anonymous. This email was from someone I spoke about on here often and is one of the most important people of my life thus far. To experience someone who meant so much to me for such a long period of time to see me for who I truly am and truly was while we were together was quite shaking and unnerving to say the least.  

I didn’t know what to expect from the email and what I got was of course nothing short of compassion, understanding, and kindness. It’s super overwhelming when all you have done is hide in the dark to protect who you are because the guilt and shame are far too much to bare. 

I have spent so many years hiding behind these shadows that I have done absolutely everything in my power to not let people see me for who I am and who I turned into. For people to be able to connect the dots to all of these terrible moments in my life and terrible decisions that I made, I would have done anything to not let them put two and two together.  I have come a very long way since the beginning of this blog in 2014, but by no means has this been an easy road, a fun road nor an enjoyable road, but nonetheless it’s been the road I had to travel. 

I am happy to say that I’m sober today. I have not had a drink since July 2, 2019. The morning of July second would go on to be my first ever true spiritual awakening. There was no longer a will to continue living my life the way I had been. I had completely and utterly given up everything I had known, wanted, or saw for myself in regards to remaining in this disease. I made a lot of calls that day. I put myself into a treatment program for six weeks and those six weeks changed my life.

I have written on here countless times about day ones and what I have come to learn and know is that it is not about the amount of time you have for this life or recovery. It’s about every day we wake up with an untreated disease that we need to treat in the best way we know how. Each and every single day all of us only have today and we are no better or worse than any person who sits beside us in those chairs, regardless of how much time they have. We are all equal. We are all striving to maintain and achieve a sober mind. It’s with a new found feeling and eye-opening moment that I had yesterday when I opened up that email that I sit here and I write this: fully exposed, completely open, transparent, and in front of those curtains and shadows that I hid behind for so long.

Hello, my name is Bri Jean and I am alcoholic. 

addiction, alcohol, experience, recovery, sobriety, the middle

5 Years Since This Account

Hello World,

I am in aw. I have not opened or looked at this account in 4+ years. I hope you all have been well and a lot of honesty is going to come from this post. I have not stopped drinking. I actually should have died a year ago after being taken to the ER with an obsene alcohol level, March 7th 2018 to be exact. Eesh that pill is still hard for me to swallow. Went to out patient rehab. I went in with the mental thought of “forever” which utterly terrified me. How does one accept in early stages to not think of forever? But just for now? And hold true to that day in and day out. I knew I wouldn’t make it. I honestly was like, I got this. This all makes a bit more sense to me. I got this. I was clearly sadly wrong. While I’m not binging away for days on end (no longer Sauvignon blanc mind you. I’ve thus converted to vodka and spiked sparkling water). I’m still not living my full life. How does one counter this demon in ones head of “it’s ok. Just don’t drink 8 vodkas and you’ll be fine”.

I know I need to change. I can whole heartedly say that I cannot continue living this way. It’s my escape for the boredom and loneliness and to make the time absently pass, because I am in fact alone. I’ve contacted a therapist to meet for some unresolved issues I even talked about in this blog 4 years ago. I’ve considered short term disability or FMLA to fight this. I guess I just don’t know where to start now that I feel I’m so far gone. I’ve opened up a lot the past two weeks to my family about unresolved issues I was protecting them from. And working my way out of a failed relationship. These things are clearly proving to be triggers for me. Necessary though? I needed to let out things from my past I was hiding. I needed to end a failed relationship. It’s just so much at once. I’m feeling very overwhelmed and my family is concerned. Which. I don’t blame them. Based on how bad of a situation I was in last year. I definitely dont blame them.

So that’s my update. I thank all who have read this. Hopefully I can find my way back to where I need to be.

Xo

addiction, alcohol, experience, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Addiction

I am unsure of how I got to this position in my life.  How one day or if it was multiple days built up.  I have lost relationships to this disease called addiction and I fear more will be lost if I do not do something.  I read quotes by people who said “I would never have reached my full potential if I didn’t get sober.”  And I could not relate more to that.  I have those thoughts daily.  I do believe I will beat this disease, I can envision my life without alcohol.  I can see how happy I will be one day when I can say I am, 30 – 60 -90 days sober.  I had my 27th birthday last week and I cannot be more determined to make this year better than the last.  This will be the year that changes my life.  I have started a new career path to build a life for myself and while I know I will one day be successful in it, I feel as though I cannot give it my all because of this disease.  Something needs to change and something needs to give before this disease kills me.

addiction, alcohol, experience, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Desire

Well hello sober world! It’s been far too long since I have posted, but I am here. I am not sober (still wanting to be very badly) so as I lay here I start over my sober clock. 🙂 I do believe sometimes people must practice quitting to quit. And I do believe my desire to be sober has been in me for so long it will one of these times stick.

I promise myself to post daily. To read blogs daily. And to truly give this a solid effort. I’m over the time wasted and spent on drinking and being remorseful about drinking then being remorseful about being remorseful (I think you get the picture.)

So to a positive attitude this time instead of writing in a very depressed state of mind as I generally do – here goes nothing!

addiction, alcohol, experience, recovery, sobriety, the middle

This is Why

I have caught myself thinking about alcohol a lot today.  Each time I go “no, no, no.  no more.  you have a problem.  you are done.  stop wasting the space on that crap.”  I imagine how easy it would be to just grab some wine, bail on Pilates class, and drink the entire bottle in two hours.  Only in turn to wake up in the morning and continue to hate myself and dwell on the fact that I can’t get past all of this.  There is this very small linger of hope I look to that says “you will really enjoy sober life.  once you find it.  you will love it.  keep going.”

So with that being said I have decided to sit down and make a list of all the reason I need/want/have to quit drinking.

1) I always regret the amount I drink the morning after, almost every single time.

2) It makes me fat, bloated, and gross.

3) It makes me lazy.  Not only do I not work out, ever – the thought of cooking or walking to get something fairly healthy for dinner seems like a ridiculous task so I order expensive/unhealthy food instead.

4) I spend a shit ton – I mean a shit ton of money on booze.  And the expensive food to go with it.

5) I become an overly sensitive, touchy mess with everything.  Tone.. Jokes.. Comments.. all of them.  Not only that but then I lash out on whoever “offended” me.

6) With #5 comes arguments, tears, and depression.  A lot of all those things.

7) Did I mention it makes me sensitive which leads to arguments and tears?  Ya, it does that.

8) I sleep like crap.  I will usually wake up from 2 am to 6 am just thinking about “why did I drink so much.  I cannot keep living this way” thoughts.

9) When I sleep like crap I then call into work late.  Not great Sauvvy.. Not great.

10) It makes me feel awful and terrible about myself.  In every shape and form.

11) I don’t remember anything. Literally anything. All the talks I’ve had. Concerts I’ve been to. Movies and shows I’ve seen. I don’t remember them.

12) I am not happy with myself because of my drinking problem and I will not ever be genuinely happy if I continue to drink.

Ok.  That’s what I have for now, but I would say for 5 minutes of typing that is only scratching the surface.

addiction, alcohol, experience, recovery, sobriety, the middle

From Negative to Positive

As I sit here and reflect on the past couple of weeks I have had, one thing stands out the most.  I need to change the way I think and view where I am at in my life.

I am constantly thinking about what I have failed in instead of what I have succeeded in.  I am constantly thinking negatively instead of positively.  So today here it is.  I will move forward with a positive attitude.  I will think about how far I have come at the age of 26 and not what I have not done.

In the words of my fellow bloggers – I will think about what I CAN do – not what I CAN’T do.