Treatment Diary

Day One. July 3, 2019

Here you are – you took the risk, the step, the plunge. This was no easy decision it’s likely the hardest one of your life. I still feel ashamed, embarrassed, but part of me feels like this is where I should be right now.

The first meeting was introductions in answering “what do you want from Powell CDC?” I responded with something along the lines of “I want to dig deeper into the steps to gain a better understanding of them. Clearly they have worked for so long and for so many people in the past that I now realize what I have been doing just simply won’t work. I need to try something else and I hope leaving Powell I will feel proud and confident that I have gained the tools to beat this.”

Second session was a meditation AA meeting which I actually enjoyed a lot. We discussed the 11th step – I’d write it out, but at this point I don’t even know what the 11th step is. We did a 10 minute meditation prior to four people discussing their thoughts on step 11. After that we had a Speaker share her story of growing up: through her journey of trauma, addiction, poor decisions, and it really hit home for me. She expressed that bad decision after bad decision she simply couldn’t stop the drinking. I became overwhelmed. I felt every ounce of her pain and I broke for her. She made me feel like I wasn’t alone, like there were more people out there like me. Maybe I can do this? Is it possible? I’ve been sober for two days and while that is only two days I need to remember and be proud that I made those calls and that I walked through those doors. Wanting to change, dying to change, and needing to change. I made it. I made it here. I made it back. Just need to hang on.

I See You

I know you follow me around everyday. 

I can see and think of you every moment of every hour. 

You’re sort of this distant thought on a lot of my days.

Which can be good or bad,

Depending on who you ask. 



You seem to be doing well. 

Staying strong and ready for me to come back.

But truth is - without you, 

I’m doing alright. 

Life has been different since we separated.

I wasn’t sure how to have fun, 

And I didn’t know how to live my life without you. 

I had to unlearn everything I knew.

And relearn everything all over again. 



I will say that it is nice not to be obsessing over you. 

Not hurting those I love because of you. 

You really messed things up for me for a while. 

I honestly don’t know how I sustained the energy,

To keep you in my life for so long. 



I am thankful we parted ways though.

You made my life hard, sad and difficult. 

Your darkness - it’s so powerful,

Powerful enough that not even the smallest glimmer of light could find me in those days. 

Some moments I miss being comforted by you.

While others, I could not imagine still being attached to you.



You have this innate ability to find the struggling, the sick and the suffering. 

You have the power to hang on for as long as they will allow.

You destroy their lives, their relationships, their love,

And do so unemotionally.  

 

Many people don't like speaking about you.

Theirs a stigma that follows you.

A lot of times people turn their nose up,

And they wonder why those of us who suffer cannot just quit. 

But how do we quit something that lives within us.

How do we quit something that is biologically connected to us.

The short answer is we can't. 

Not alone.  

Its going to take an army of soldiers to overcome this battle.



If there is one thing I can promise,

To you and myself.

It is that my experience with you will not fall in vain.

I will continue to show up and speak out.

To show those who suffer the compassion,

The grace, and the support as I have seen from those before me.



Your existence may never cease. 

But my hope is with time you become more widely discussed,

And your presence more accepted, 

That for those who experience you are not forever a lost soul. 

They simply need help finding the light while they search for the drive to survive. 



-x

Written by Bri Jean 

Hello, my name is

When I woke up yesterday I had absolutely no intention of writing any of this. I opened my phone to see an email on this account which I had thought and intended to be and remain anonymous. This email was from someone I spoke about on here often and is one of the most important people of my life thus far. To experience someone who meant so much to me for such a long period of time to see me for who I truly am and truly was while we were together was quite shaking and unnerving to say the least.  

I didn’t know what to expect from the email and what I got was of course nothing short of compassion, understanding, and kindness. It’s super overwhelming when all you have done is hide in the dark to protect who you are because the guilt and shame are far too much to bare. 

I have spent so many years hiding behind these shadows that I have done absolutely everything in my power to not let people see me for who I am and who I turned into. For people to be able to connect the dots to all of these terrible moments in my life and terrible decisions that I made, I would have done anything to not let them put two and two together.  I have come a very long way since the beginning of this blog in 2014, but by no means has this been an easy road, a fun road nor an enjoyable road, but nonetheless it’s been the road I had to travel. 

I am happy to say that I’m sober today. I have not had a drink since July 2, 2019. The morning of July second would go on to be my first ever true spiritual awakening. There was no longer a will to continue living my life the way I had been. I had completely and utterly given up everything I had known, wanted, or saw for myself in regards to remaining in this disease. I made a lot of calls that day. I put myself into a treatment program for six weeks and those six weeks changed my life.

I have written on here countless times about day ones and what I have come to learn and know is that it is not about the amount of time you have for this life or recovery. It’s about every day we wake up with an untreated disease that we need to treat in the best way we know how. Each and every single day all of us only have today and we are no better or worse than any person who sits beside us in those chairs, regardless of how much time they have. We are all equal. We are all striving to maintain and achieve a sober mind. It’s with a new found feeling and eye-opening moment that I had yesterday when I opened up that email that I sit here and I write this: fully exposed, completely open, transparent, and in front of those curtains and shadows that I hid behind for so long.

Hello, my name is Bri Jean and I am alcoholic. 

A Different Mind Set

I read a blog yesterday that gave multiple things you realize within the first 30 days of sobriety.  One of them stuck with me immediately, “this is not the worst thing that could happen to you.”  I sat and thought… hm.  That is a great point.

Fast forward to this morning and like every Thursday I call my dad to chat about our weeks and weekend plans and then he says, “well. I am keeping your brother and sister in law in my prayers today.”  Uh… What?!  I have not heard anything so I am immediately caught off guard.  My sister in law is 30 weeks pregnant with twins, a boy and a girl, and there is potentially an issue with her pregnancy, the results will be out later today, but if the results are not in their favor she will be admitted into the hospital tomorrow and likely be giving birth early.  At 30 weeks the babies are of size to survive, but I cannot help but feel for them and just imagine how scared they might be or what they might be feeling.

That blog was absolutely correct, “this is not the worst thing that could happen to you.”

The Beginning of the End

I knew walking into work today and tackling the day was going to be difficult.  The vibe in my office has been quite “off” and today was the day I could feel it would come to a screeching halt.  The boozing has officially taken its toll on my day to day life.  I have a rolling schedule of my choosing each week and more times than not can I say that I bailed on coming into work just so I could get drunk, home alone… on my couch.  So unbelievably pathetic.  I would tell them I’d be in and then “a meeting would suddenly come up and I couldn’t make it.”  This morning they sat me down and said the non-stability of my schedule was making them question if I should even continue working here.  Do I love working here?!  No.  But, it does help with my bills.  And if and when I choose to leave I want it to be my choice and not them choosing to let me go do to being such a flake and not dependable (which the booze is solely to blame for this.  As I am generally very dependable.)

I started hiding bottles from my boyfriend who would be disappointed to know I am drinking so much again – even chugging from the bottle when he is not looking.  No.  I did not make that up.  I am so embarrassed and ashamed that I had to write it out in order to read it back to myself so I can reminded of how far this problem has gone.  I look to the right side of my computer screen and I have been blogging since February 2014.  14 months I have been battling this (which its actually longer, more like November 2013 is when I acknowledged this problem.)  How have I not gotten a hold of this?!  So insanely disappointing and frustrating.

I got a lot of feedback from people after my last choice telling me “to change or modify my path to sobriety” because of my failed attempts, I am obviously not doing something right.  I got into a 30 kick start to sobriety today.  The daily activity was to listen to the podcast 3 times today and to put positive, sober, enthusiastic post-it notes all over my house, car, desk, wherever to be reminded of my sobriety.  I have every intention on doing both of those things today.  So for the sake of my relationship, work, and health – I pray to God this is the beginning of the end and the start to my recovery journey.

A Different Place

So I sit here on day 5 and thinking of the up and coming weekend I re-read my last “first weekend” post from my only other semi successful attempt at sobriety. I am happy to say I am not nearly as worried or lost as I was back then. I feel comfortable. I feel ready. I feel like I’m in a much more peaceful place this time. I have a trip to the beach. Pilates. My recovery book. Laundry. The mall. So many things I have planned and knowing I won’t be wasted by noon I know I will get them all done. 🙂 

Happy Sober Weekend Everyone!

  

(Truth)

No. No Wine.

WINE WINE WINE.  ITS ALL THATS ON MY MINNNNDDDDDD.

::In my head this is being sung to some kind of fun melody. Be gone fun melody::

(Not 5 minutes after I posted the above statement did this article pop up on my Facebook feed. http://elitedaily.com/life/im-never-drinking-happens-say-mean/984304/ and just like that… melody be gone.)

This is Why

I have caught myself thinking about alcohol a lot today.  Each time I go “no, no, no.  no more.  you have a problem.  you are done.  stop wasting the space on that crap.”  I imagine how easy it would be to just grab some wine, bail on Pilates class, and drink the entire bottle in two hours.  Only in turn to wake up in the morning and continue to hate myself and dwell on the fact that I can’t get past all of this.  There is this very small linger of hope I look to that says “you will really enjoy sober life.  once you find it.  you will love it.  keep going.”

So with that being said I have decided to sit down and make a list of all the reason I need/want/have to quit drinking.

1) I always regret the amount I drink the morning after, almost every single time.

2) It makes me fat, bloated, and gross.

3) It makes me lazy.  Not only do I not work out, ever – the thought of cooking or walking to get something fairly healthy for dinner seems like a ridiculous task so I order expensive/unhealthy food instead.

4) I spend a shit ton – I mean a shit ton of money on booze.  And the expensive food to go with it.

5) I become an overly sensitive, touchy mess with everything.  Tone.. Jokes.. Comments.. all of them.  Not only that but then I lash out on whoever “offended” me.

6) With #5 comes arguments, tears, and depression.  A lot of all those things.

7) Did I mention it makes me sensitive which leads to arguments and tears?  Ya, it does that.

8) I sleep like crap.  I will usually wake up from 2 am to 6 am just thinking about “why did I drink so much.  I cannot keep living this way” thoughts.

9) When I sleep like crap I then call into work late.  Not great Sauvvy.. Not great.

10) It makes me feel awful and terrible about myself.  In every shape and form.

11) I don’t remember anything. Literally anything. All the talks I’ve had. Concerts I’ve been to. Movies and shows I’ve seen. I don’t remember them.

12) I am not happy with myself because of my drinking problem and I will not ever be genuinely happy if I continue to drink.

Ok.  That’s what I have for now, but I would say for 5 minutes of typing that is only scratching the surface.

Maybe it’s not about the booze?!

I have been so overwhelmed this last week all I have been doing is thinking – this quitting drinking thing is hard!! When suddenly last night I stopped. Is it really the quitting that’s giving me such a hard time?!

Long story short. I moved to Los Angeles when I was 19 years old. Yes it was hard. Yes my parents thought I was crazy. But I made it work. I’ve created a life for myself out here. Fast forward 5 years. I go through a very abrupt and painful break up. I decide that I’m really ready to be back in the Midwest with my family. I see my parents 3-4 times a year and my brother 1-2. So after 5 years of that, it really takes a toll. I’m out one night and I randomly meet a man. That man has now been my boyfriend for over 2 years. So here I am today.

I currently have a full time job which I plan on either leaving or staying at if they will let me part time to pursue a career in real estate. It’s a career move for me so it is something that has to be done one time or another. Well that conversation is happening today. I love my boss. So I am crazy nervous about the conversation as well as when I leave if I don’t stay part time having a cash flow etc. Fortunately I have savings. But it’s still scary.

So is my anxiety and struggle with quitting booze really what’s giving me such a hard time? Yes it’s all been hard but I have found I was drinking so much that I was ignoring all these life decisions that I have in front of me and now that that isn’t an option – I’m being forced to deal with them. Sober.

Undecided

As I sit here on my last single digit day sober, I feel lost.  I feel like all emotions have left me and all I am is a body sitting at my desk with no feeling of anything.  This whole journey is already exhausting and I am only 9 days in.  Even to sit here and gather my thoughts to blog feels like a task in itself.

This go around at quitting I do notice a huge difference between the last time I tried.  I am no longer thinking about “oh my what will I do on Halloween?  What will I do when my dad visits?”  I am only worried about today.  I have separated myself from all gatherings, however.  Which I have mixed feelings about.  I spent all last weekend horizontal on my couch for fear I would relapse (ugh hate that word.)  I was invited to a few gatherings for next weekend and again kept it up in the air so I could either go or not go depending on how I feel.

I know two things at this point.  1) Not going out is going to drive me CRAZY.  Being on the couch or alone all weekend, I will go nuts!  I am a social butterfly (yes it always revolved around alcohol).  2) I am unsure if I trust myself to the point of going out and saying no to alcohol.  I read my blog posts back from February and when I began drinking again I wrote, “I should have not been making plans right now.  I should have kept to myself with my boyfriend until I had some more time under my belt” or something like that.  So that is ringing pretty loudly in my ears as all these “plans” are happening.

So all in all… as my last single digit day… I feel just blah.