I am in aw. I have not opened or looked at this account in 4+ years. I hope you all have been well and a lot of honesty is going to come from this post. I have not stopped drinking. I actually should have died a year ago after being taken to the ER with a .6 something alcohol level, March 7th 2018 to be exact. Eesh that pill is still hard for me to swallow. Went to out patient rehab. I went in with the mental thought of “forever” which utterly terrified me. How does one accept in early stages to not think of forever? But just for now? And hold true to that day in and day out. I knew I wouldn’t make it. I honestly was like, I got this. This all makes a bit more sense to me. I got this. I was clearly sadly wrong. While I’m not binging away for days on end (no longer Sauvignon blanc mind you. I’ve thus converted to vodka and spiked sparkling water). I’m still not living my full life. How does one counter this demon in ones head of “it’s ok. Just don’t drink 8 vodkas and you’ll be fine”.
I know I need to change. I can whole heartedly say that I cannot continue living this way. It’s my escape for the boredom and loneliness and to make the time absently pass, because I am in fact alone. I’ve contacted a therapist to meet for some unresolved issues I even talked about in this blog 4 years ago. I’ve considered short term disability or FMLA to fight this. I guess I just don’t know where to start now that I feel I’m so far gone. I’ve opened up a lot the past two weeks to my family about unresolved issues I was protecting them from. And working my way out of a failed relationship. These things are clearly proving to be triggers for me. Necessary though? I needed to let out things from my past I was hiding. I needed to end a failed relationship. It’s just so much at once. I’m feeling very overwhelmed and my family is concerned. Which. I don’t blame them. Based on how bad of a situation I was in last year. I definitely dont blame them.
So that’s my update. I thank all who have read this. Hopefully I can find my way back to where I need to be.
I feel like everytime I come here to write about something it’s always about how “terrible” or how “bad” my life is. That really makes me quite sad looking back on it because – my life isn’t bad. My life isn’t terrible. My first niece and nephew arrived this past Saturday and it reminded me how beautiful life truly is. I’ve never been one who wanted kids, but seeing them come into this world was truly wonderful. How is it that this substance and this addiction can make me feel so incredibly different about my life. I am not happy with this addiction, obviously. Who is?! It’s making me hate myself and in all honesty has actually been progressively getting worse. To the point where everyday I wake up feeling like I am slowly killing myself day by day.
Today is the day I ask for help. I am going to research therapists. I have always wanted to speak to a therapist and I actually think having someone to talk to and help me clean up the bullshit in my life would help me get on the right track to sobriety. I am inexperienced in this part so who has any tips on choosing a therapist and is this something generally covered by medical insurance? Any help would be greatly appreciated. 🙂
I read a blog yesterday that gave multiple things you realize within the first 30 days of sobriety. One of them stuck with me immediately, “this is not the worst thing that could happen to you.” I sat and thought… hm. That is a great point.
Fast forward to this morning and like every Thursday I call my dad to chat about our weeks and weekend plans and then he says, “well. I am keeping your brother and sister in law in my prayers today.” Uh… What?! I have not heard anything so I am immediately caught off guard. My sister in law is 30 weeks pregnant with twins, a boy and a girl, and there is potentially an issue with her pregnancy, the results will be out later today, but if the results are not in their favor she will be admitted into the hospital tomorrow and likely be giving birth early. At 30 weeks the babies are of size to survive, but I cannot help but feel for them and just imagine how scared they might be or what they might be feeling.
That blog was absolutely correct, “this is not the worst thing that could happen to you.”
I knew walking into work today and tackling the day was going to be difficult. The vibe in my office has been quite “off” and today was the day I could feel it would come to a screeching halt. The boozing has officially taken its toll on my day to day life. I have a rolling schedule of my choosing each week and more times than not can I say that I bailed on coming into work just so I could get drunk, home alone… on my couch. So unbelievably pathetic. I would tell them I’d be in and then “a meeting would suddenly come up and I couldn’t make it.” This morning they sat me down and said the non-stability of my schedule was making them question if I should even continue working here. Do I love working here?! No. But, it does help with my bills. And if and when I choose to leave I want it to be my choice and not them choosing to let me go do to being such a flake and not dependable (which the booze is solely to blame for this. As I am generally very dependable.)
I started hiding bottles from my boyfriend who would be disappointed to know I am drinking so much again – even chugging from the bottle when he is not looking. No. I did not make that up. I am so embarrassed and ashamed that I had to write it out in order to read it back to myself so I can reminded of how far this problem has gone. I look to the right side of my computer screen and I have been blogging since February 2014. 14 months I have been battling this (which its actually longer, more like November 2013 is when I acknowledged this problem.) How have I not gotten a hold of this?! So insanely disappointing and frustrating.
I got a lot of feedback from people after my last choice telling me “to change or modify my path to sobriety” because of my failed attempts, I am obviously not doing something right. I got into a 30 kick start to sobriety today. The daily activity was to listen to the podcast 3 times today and to put positive, sober, enthusiastic post-it notes all over my house, car, desk, wherever to be reminded of my sobriety. I have every intention on doing both of those things today. So for the sake of my relationship, work, and health – I pray to God this is the beginning of the end and the start to my recovery journey.
I was doing so good for two weeks… and then I wasn’t. Just like that in a flip of a switch I am back where I started. How does our brain get so trained into thinking we need this substance on a day to day basis. I woke up hating myself after drinking a bottle (and by bottle I mean more like a bottle and half) of wine last night. Somehow I always convince myself, “well you have no days under your belt, or only two days under your belt, so why bother”. And back to the bottle I go.
Today and yesterday have been the hardest thus far. That sober stay-cation while relaxing may not have been the best option at this point. It through me into a realm which I was not ready for. Two full days of spare time with no plans to pass the time. Just to sit. I even convinced myself at one point I could drink while I was away and come back to LA then continue this journey. My bf then referred to me as speaking and acting similar to a heroine addict. 😑 I was like “ah shit”. So I’m back in LA now. Still sober. But I’m really not enjoying it. I was on a brief high of “yay sobriety – woohoo lets do this”. Now all I really want to do is just say fuck it. Fuck all of it.
This is a first… 10 days in and while I have secluded myself from all plans – tonight that comes to an end. I have booked a two night stay in a small beach city for my boyfriend and I to escape the city of LA to just lay around and relax. The sober part of me is so thrilled it is just him and I as he is not a huge drinker and he knows what I am trying to accomplish by abstaining from alcohol so will likely not drink while we are away to support me and to not make it harder for me. I think about being in Cabo San Lucas three weeks ago and how I just sat on the beach, laid out and drank all day. This weekend will be significantly different and in my head I am imagining a lot less fun. I am trying to remain positive, but I do see the struggle which lies a head and is only a few hours away.
As I wrote about on Friday I was feeling over all pretty good about the weekend. I did have those moments of, “I cant wait for wine” or “YES I am off work time to drink.” Actually that happened a few more times than I anticipated. However, I can happily say at no point did it get passed only those small thoughts. I am honestly kind of thrown off where this amount of acceptance came from. How last Monday my mind just shifted and now here I am. I still catch myself saying, “what are you going to do when mom comes to visit in 3 weeks?” And then I stop. Say no no, don’t worry about that now. That is so far away. I still haven’t gotten to thinking or accepting that this is forever, so for now day 30 is my goal and I truly feel unlike any other time that 30 days is achievable.
In my recovery book I read that you have to start pushing yourself out of your comfort zone to realized your true potential and to find your inner self. That pushing for me will be socializing without drinking. I bailed on every friend I have this weekend for fear I could not handle being with them and not drinking. (This is the one thing I learned from my last attempt. I even remember writing, “I went out too soon and should have just surrounded myself with my BF until I had more sober time under my belt”) So this time – that is exactly what I am doing. Enjoying some me time, some boyfriend time, and some self-reflection time.
One Week Down – Three To Go
So I sit here on day 5 and thinking of the up and coming weekend I re-read my last “first weekend” post from my only other semi successful attempt at sobriety. I am happy to say I am not nearly as worried or lost as I was back then. I feel comfortable. I feel ready. I feel like I’m in a much more peaceful place this time. I have a trip to the beach. Pilates. My recovery book. Laundry. The mall. So many things I have planned and knowing I won’t be wasted by noon I know I will get them all done. 🙂
Happy Sober Weekend Everyone!
WINE WINE WINE. ITS ALL THATS ON MY MINNNNDDDDDD.
::In my head this is being sung to some kind of fun melody. Be gone fun melody::
(Not 5 minutes after I posted the above statement did this article pop up on my Facebook feed. http://elitedaily.com/life/im-never-drinking-happens-say-mean/984304/ and just like that… melody be gone.)