5 Years Since This Account

Hello World,

I am in aw. I have not opened or looked at this account in 4+ years. I hope you all have been well and a lot of honesty is going to come from this post. I have not stopped drinking. I actually should have died a year ago after being taken to the ER with a .6 something alcohol level, March 7th 2018 to be exact. Eesh that pill is still hard for me to swallow. Went to out patient rehab. I went in with the mental thought of “forever” which utterly terrified me. How does one accept in early stages to not think of forever? But just for now? And hold true to that day in and day out. I knew I wouldn’t make it. I honestly was like, I got this. This all makes a bit more sense to me. I got this. I was clearly sadly wrong. While I’m not binging away for days on end (no longer Sauvignon blanc mind you. I’ve thus converted to vodka and spiked sparkling water). I’m still not living my full life. How does one counter this demon in ones head of “it’s ok. Just don’t drink 8 vodkas and you’ll be fine”.

I know I need to change. I can whole heartedly say that I cannot continue living this way. It’s my escape for the boredom and loneliness and to make the time absently pass, because I am in fact alone. I’ve contacted a therapist to meet for some unresolved issues I even talked about in this blog 4 years ago. I’ve considered short term disability or FMLA to fight this. I guess I just don’t know where to start now that I feel I’m so far gone. I’ve opened up a lot the past two weeks to my family about unresolved issues I was protecting them from. And working my way out of a failed relationship. These things are clearly proving to be triggers for me. Necessary though? I needed to let out things from my past I was hiding. I needed to end a failed relationship. It’s just so much at once. I’m feeling very overwhelmed and my family is concerned. Which. I don’t blame them. Based on how bad of a situation I was in last year. I definitely dont blame them.

So that’s my update. I thank all who have read this. Hopefully I can find my way back to where I need to be.

Xo

Struggling. 

Today and yesterday have been the hardest thus far. That sober stay-cation while relaxing may not have been the best option at this point. It through me into a realm which I was not ready for. Two full days of spare time with no plans to pass the time. Just to sit.  I even convinced myself at one point I could drink while I was away and come back to LA then continue this journey. My bf then referred to me as speaking and acting similar to a heroine addict. ūüėĎ I was like “ah shit”.  So I’m back in LA now. Still sober. But I’m really not enjoying it. I was on a brief high of “yay sobriety – woohoo lets do this”.  Now all I really want to do is just say fuck it. Fuck all of it. 

California Sober Stay-cation

This is a first… 10 days in and while I have secluded myself from all plans –¬†tonight that comes to an end.¬† I have booked¬†a two night stay in a small beach city for my boyfriend and I to escape the city of LA to just lay around and relax.¬† The sober part of me is so thrilled it is just him and I as he is not a huge drinker and he knows what I am trying to accomplish by abstaining from alcohol so will likely not drink while we are away to support me and to¬†not make it harder for me.¬† I think about being in Cabo San Lucas three weeks ago and how I just sat on the beach, laid out and drank all day.¬† This weekend will be significantly different and in my head I am imagining a lot less fun.¬† :-/¬† I am trying to remain positive, but¬†I do see the struggle which lies a head and is only a few hours away.

Alive and Kickin

As I wrote about on Friday I was feeling over all pretty good about the weekend.¬† I did have those moments of, “I cant wait for wine” or “YES I am off work time to drink.”¬† Actually that happened a few more times than I anticipated.¬† However, I can happily say at no point did it get passed only those small thoughts.¬† I am honestly kind of thrown off where this amount of acceptance came from.¬† How last Monday my mind just shifted and now here I am.¬†I still catch myself saying, “what are you going to do when mom comes to visit in 3 weeks?”¬† And then I stop.¬† Say no no, don’t worry about that now.¬† That is so far away.¬† I still haven’t gotten to thinking or accepting that this is forever, so for now day 30 is my goal and I truly feel¬†unlike any other time that¬†30 days is achievable.

In my recovery¬†¬†book I read that you have to start pushing yourself out of your comfort zone to realized your true potential and to find your inner self.¬† That pushing for me will be socializing without drinking.¬† I bailed on every friend I have this weekend for fear I could not handle being with them and not drinking.¬† (This is the one thing I learned from my last attempt.¬† I even remember writing, “I went out too soon and should have just surrounded myself with my BF until I had more sober time under my belt”)¬† So this time – that is exactly what I am doing.¬† Enjoying some me time, some boyfriend time, and some self-reflection time.

One Week Down – Three To Go

Addiction

I am unsure of how I got to this position in my life.¬† How one day or if it was multiple days built up.¬† I have lost relationships to this disease called addiction and I fear more will be lost if I do not do something.¬† I read quotes by people who said “I would never have reached my full potential if I didn’t get sober.”¬† And I could not relate more to that.¬† I have those thoughts daily.¬† I do believe I will beat this disease, I can envision my life without alcohol.¬† I can see how happy I will be one day when I can say I am, 30 – 60 -90 days sober.¬† I had my 27th birthday last week and I cannot be more determined to make this year better than the last.¬† This will be the year that changes my life.¬† I have started a new career path to build a life for myself and while I know I will one day be successful in it, I feel as though I cannot give it my all because of this disease.¬† Something needs to change and¬†something needs to give before this disease kills me.

I’m Alive.

My head hurts. I just ended a two and half year relationship approximately two hours ago. I’ve been doubtful of the relationship for a bit, but that still doesn’t make it any easier. The thoughts of it had gotten so heavy and intense I actually drowned the sounds in booze and basically stopped working. I have been depressed for about a month now and I decided this weekend it was time to make a change. So here I am. Repairing my destroyed life one issue at a time. I may not be sober. But at least I made a huge move towards sobriety with putting this head mess to rest.

This is Why

I have caught myself thinking about alcohol a lot today.¬† Each time I go “no, no, no.¬† no more.¬† you have a problem.¬† you are done.¬† stop wasting the space on that crap.”¬† I imagine how easy it would be to just grab some wine, bail on Pilates class, and drink the entire bottle in two hours.¬† Only in turn to wake up in the morning and continue to hate myself and dwell on the fact that I can’t get past all of this.¬† There is this very small linger of hope I look to that says “you will really enjoy sober life.¬† once you find it.¬† you will love it.¬† keep going.”

So with that being said I have decided to sit down and make a list of all the reason I need/want/have to quit drinking.

1) I always regret the amount I drink the morning after, almost every single time.

2) It makes me fat, bloated, and gross.

3) It makes me lazy.  Not only do I not work out, ever Рthe thought of cooking or walking to get something fairly healthy for dinner seems like a ridiculous task so I order expensive/unhealthy food instead.

4) I spend a shit ton РI mean a shit ton of money on booze.  And the expensive food to go with it.

5) I become an overly sensitive, touchy mess with everything.¬† Tone.. Jokes.. Comments.. all of them.¬† Not only that but then I lash out on whoever “offended” me.

6) With #5 comes arguments, tears, and depression.  A lot of all those things.

7) Did I mention it makes me sensitive which leads to arguments and tears?  Ya, it does that.

8) I sleep like crap.¬† I will usually wake up from 2 am to¬†6 am just thinking about “why did I drink so much.¬† I cannot keep living this way” thoughts.

9) When I sleep like crap I then call into work late.  Not great Sauvvy.. Not great.

10) It makes me feel awful and terrible about myself.  In every shape and form.

11) I don’t remember anything. Literally anything. All the talks I’ve had. Concerts I’ve been to. Movies and shows I’ve seen. I don’t remember them.

12) I am not happy with myself because of my drinking problem and I will not ever be genuinely happy if I continue to drink.

Ok.¬† That’s what I have for now, but I would say for¬†5 minutes of typing that is only scratching the surface.

From Negative to Positive

As I sit here and reflect on the past couple of weeks I have had, one thing stands out the most.  I need to change the way I think and view where I am at in my life.

I am constantly thinking about what I have failed in instead of what I have succeeded in.  I am constantly thinking negatively instead of positively.  So today here it is.  I will move forward with a positive attitude.  I will think about how far I have come at the age of 26 and not what I have not done.

In the words of my fellow bloggers – I will think about what I CAN do – not what I CAN’T do.

Noises

So much is happening in my life right now.  Or maybe just in my head Рya, probably just in my head.

I woke up this morning and for the first time ever I thought to myself, “maybe I should try AA this time.¬† I am not sure that I can do this alone.”¬† I have tried to quit drinking countless times and I feel like I have to try something different.¬† I normally do not let people in.¬† I am habitually closed off from “feelings” and asking people for help.¬† As I woke up the first thing I did was message my boyfriend to let him know I need to quit drinking.¬† Also, another huge step for me.¬† I have told him I thought about it, but never that it has to happen.

Which brings me to my next thought.¬† My boyfriend.¬† He is an amazing man – truly.¬† He is a firefighter, has an amazing family with a niece and nephews that he adores and they adore him.¬† However we are not getting along nearly as well as we use to.¬† I feel like we are constantly fighting and bickering and things just aren’t really working.¬† Maybe it’s a rough patch?¬† Maybe it will pass?¬† Or is this the beginning of the end?¬† All of these questions go through my head all day, but at the end of each day I love him so incredibly much I cannot imagine my life without him.¬† But yet, do I love him enough to be forever?

I drink to shut all the noise up in my head.  What will happen when I do not drink and I am forced to listen to all of them?  I am hiding from reality.  Hiding from the truth.  The potential of pain and the agony.