5 Years Since This Account

Hello World,

I am in aw. I have not opened or looked at this account in 4+ years. I hope you all have been well and a lot of honesty is going to come from this post. I have not stopped drinking. I actually should have died a year ago after being taken to the ER with an obsene alcohol level, March 7th 2018 to be exact. Eesh that pill is still hard for me to swallow. Went to out patient rehab. I went in with the mental thought of “forever” which utterly terrified me. How does one accept in early stages to not think of forever? But just for now? And hold true to that day in and day out. I knew I wouldn’t make it. I honestly was like, I got this. This all makes a bit more sense to me. I got this. I was clearly sadly wrong. While I’m not binging away for days on end (no longer Sauvignon blanc mind you. I’ve thus converted to vodka and spiked sparkling water). I’m still not living my full life. How does one counter this demon in ones head of “it’s ok. Just don’t drink 8 vodkas and you’ll be fine”.

I know I need to change. I can whole heartedly say that I cannot continue living this way. It’s my escape for the boredom and loneliness and to make the time absently pass, because I am in fact alone. I’ve contacted a therapist to meet for some unresolved issues I even talked about in this blog 4 years ago. I’ve considered short term disability or FMLA to fight this. I guess I just don’t know where to start now that I feel I’m so far gone. I’ve opened up a lot the past two weeks to my family about unresolved issues I was protecting them from. And working my way out of a failed relationship. These things are clearly proving to be triggers for me. Necessary though? I needed to let out things from my past I was hiding. I needed to end a failed relationship. It’s just so much at once. I’m feeling very overwhelmed and my family is concerned. Which. I don’t blame them. Based on how bad of a situation I was in last year. I definitely dont blame them.

So that’s my update. I thank all who have read this. Hopefully I can find my way back to where I need to be.

Xo

California Sober Stay-cation

This is a first… 10 days in and while I have secluded myself from all plans – tonight that comes to an end.  I have booked a two night stay in a small beach city for my boyfriend and I to escape the city of LA to just lay around and relax.  The sober part of me is so thrilled it is just him and I as he is not a huge drinker and he knows what I am trying to accomplish by abstaining from alcohol so will likely not drink while we are away to support me and to not make it harder for me.  I think about being in Cabo San Lucas three weeks ago and how I just sat on the beach, laid out and drank all day.  This weekend will be significantly different and in my head I am imagining a lot less fun.    I am trying to remain positive, but I do see the struggle which lies a head and is only a few hours away.

Addiction

I am unsure of how I got to this position in my life.  How one day or if it was multiple days built up.  I have lost relationships to this disease called addiction and I fear more will be lost if I do not do something.  I read quotes by people who said “I would never have reached my full potential if I didn’t get sober.”  And I could not relate more to that.  I have those thoughts daily.  I do believe I will beat this disease, I can envision my life without alcohol.  I can see how happy I will be one day when I can say I am, 30 – 60 -90 days sober.  I had my 27th birthday last week and I cannot be more determined to make this year better than the last.  This will be the year that changes my life.  I have started a new career path to build a life for myself and while I know I will one day be successful in it, I feel as though I cannot give it my all because of this disease.  Something needs to change and something needs to give before this disease kills me.

This is Why

I have caught myself thinking about alcohol a lot today.  Each time I go “no, no, no.  no more.  you have a problem.  you are done.  stop wasting the space on that crap.”  I imagine how easy it would be to just grab some wine, bail on Pilates class, and drink the entire bottle in two hours.  Only in turn to wake up in the morning and continue to hate myself and dwell on the fact that I can’t get past all of this.  There is this very small linger of hope I look to that says “you will really enjoy sober life.  once you find it.  you will love it.  keep going.”

So with that being said I have decided to sit down and make a list of all the reason I need/want/have to quit drinking.

1) I always regret the amount I drink the morning after, almost every single time.

2) It makes me fat, bloated, and gross.

3) It makes me lazy.  Not only do I not work out, ever – the thought of cooking or walking to get something fairly healthy for dinner seems like a ridiculous task so I order expensive/unhealthy food instead.

4) I spend a shit ton – I mean a shit ton of money on booze.  And the expensive food to go with it.

5) I become an overly sensitive, touchy mess with everything.  Tone.. Jokes.. Comments.. all of them.  Not only that but then I lash out on whoever “offended” me.

6) With #5 comes arguments, tears, and depression.  A lot of all those things.

7) Did I mention it makes me sensitive which leads to arguments and tears?  Ya, it does that.

8) I sleep like crap.  I will usually wake up from 2 am to 6 am just thinking about “why did I drink so much.  I cannot keep living this way” thoughts.

9) When I sleep like crap I then call into work late.  Not great Sauvvy.. Not great.

10) It makes me feel awful and terrible about myself.  In every shape and form.

11) I don’t remember anything. Literally anything. All the talks I’ve had. Concerts I’ve been to. Movies and shows I’ve seen. I don’t remember them.

12) I am not happy with myself because of my drinking problem and I will not ever be genuinely happy if I continue to drink.

Ok.  That’s what I have for now, but I would say for 5 minutes of typing that is only scratching the surface.

From Negative to Positive

As I sit here and reflect on the past couple of weeks I have had, one thing stands out the most.  I need to change the way I think and view where I am at in my life.

I am constantly thinking about what I have failed in instead of what I have succeeded in.  I am constantly thinking negatively instead of positively.  So today here it is.  I will move forward with a positive attitude.  I will think about how far I have come at the age of 26 and not what I have not done.

In the words of my fellow bloggers – I will think about what I CAN do – not what I CAN’T do.

A Little Up – A Little Down

As the I sit here on Friday – my day 4 I remember where I was the last time I was semi successful at abstaining from alcohol (a total of 15 days.)  I wrote a post about how terrified I was that the weekend was coming.  I could not even begin to imagine how I could get through 2 days completely sober and I was an emotional, nervous wreck.

Well, I can happily say that at this go around, I feel much more comfortable with the weekend coming.  One of my good girlfriends knows that something is up with me as I bailed on a birthday party already this weekend so she nicely invited me over for wine.  As it was typed into my phone “oh well I am actually taking a break from drinking, but I will come see you and chat!” I stopped.  No.  That will not be the outcome.  Not with her or anyone for that matter at this point.  Her and I have spent a ridiculous amount of time drinking/drunk together.  Way more time than sober that’s for sure.  So even me putting out there that I will not drink – I will.  Or at-least be tempted and I am not ready for that reality and that internal struggle.

I feel a little in between today.  I feel good with my progression and my ability to acknowledge the potential issue if I were to go.  However, not so good that I know I will have to quarantine myself in the coming weeks to get some time under my belt and to come to terms with all of this change happening in my life.

Light Bulbs

I was in such a nightmare yesterday I am so glad it is over.  I have been feeling very – blah – as you can tell from my post yesterday.  Gained weight, feeling fat, feeling gross, and sorry for myself.  When I awoke this morning and came to work I noticed a red mark on each of my hips…. Stretch marks.  UGH.  Just to top off my horrible feelings I have about myself and I have two new stretch marks.  It threw me into a whirlwind and then it hit me… that light bulb.  “JUST DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT AND STOP COMPLAINING!”   So I am.  I have opted to try a 30 day challenge (I cant fathom 100 so I am starting small). 

30 minutes of exercise – 6 days a week.  No added sugars.  Palm sized main meals.  2 Liters of water a day & No Alcohol. 

I have my first trip to Europe in exactly 37 Days and I will be damned if I am less that 100% comfortable going!  So bring it on 30 days!!  I’M READY!!!

Day 1 for the 457,098th time Continued

So today is starting to look up.  Especially given how low I was this morning I am not sure I could go anywhere other than up.  I decided to go back to the basics.  Went back to my most successful attempt of quitting drinking (15 days) and that all started with Unpickled.  So I re-read.  I also read Belle’s beginnings.  It gives me hope that these women went through what I am going through.  That this will all be worth it in the end!  Just have to stay strong, and not drink today.  And YES – I AM TIRED OF THINKING ABOUT DRINKING!

Lost

Who is this person?  What is she doing?  Why does she do this to herself?  She knows right from wrong.  Yet still makes the wrong decision.  So bad.  What a mess.  So sick.  So ready.  

A little more positivity

So here I am!  Taking on Day 2.  Last night was not hard – especially coming off the ridiculous weekend I just had.  Tonight, I do not foresee being difficult either.  I went through my posts from February and my oh my were they quite down and depressing.  Which to be completely honest is the exact opposite of my personality if you ever met me!  I think last month was the hard core down and dirty realization that I need to quit drinking.  Whereas of now I know it needs to happen it is just MAKING it happen.  I have faith that I can do this – just have to take it one day at a time.  Continue to read sober blogs, continue to blog, and continue on sober.  I also read some great advice which is helping with my day to day mental games.  “Do not worry with when you start drinking again and if.  If you have decided to stop – stop and worry about those times when they get here.”  I started my 100 clock over as of yesterday so I need to not worry about drinking for 100 days – and deal with the days after when they get here.  🙂  

On a complete side note – I just booked my flights to Europe with my bf this morning!  I have not had a vacation in 6 years as I moved out to LA when I was 19 and all my “Vacation” time is used to go home and see my family.  This is also my first trip to Europe, so should be amazing.  We are flying into Lisbon, Portugal – probably spend 2-3 days there then fly to wherever our little hearts desire – maybe Paris, London, who knows!  Then I have a 5 day music festival in Brussels, Belgium – known as Tomorrowland!  I can hardly contain my excitement if I can be completely honest.  July needs to be here – LIKE NOW.  🙂

So ya… just thought I’d add a little more fun and less “WAH ME” into this entry!  Until tomorrow folks!