5 Years Since This Account

Hello World,

I am in aw. I have not opened or looked at this account in 4+ years. I hope you all have been well and a lot of honesty is going to come from this post. I have not stopped drinking. I actually should have died a year ago after being taken to the ER with a .6 something alcohol level, March 7th 2018 to be exact. Eesh that pill is still hard for me to swallow. Went to out patient rehab. I went in with the mental thought of “forever” which utterly terrified me. How does one accept in early stages to not think of forever? But just for now? And hold true to that day in and day out. I knew I wouldn’t make it. I honestly was like, I got this. This all makes a bit more sense to me. I got this. I was clearly sadly wrong. While I’m not binging away for days on end (no longer Sauvignon blanc mind you. I’ve thus converted to vodka and spiked sparkling water). I’m still not living my full life. How does one counter this demon in ones head of “it’s ok. Just don’t drink 8 vodkas and you’ll be fine”.

I know I need to change. I can whole heartedly say that I cannot continue living this way. It’s my escape for the boredom and loneliness and to make the time absently pass, because I am in fact alone. I’ve contacted a therapist to meet for some unresolved issues I even talked about in this blog 4 years ago. I’ve considered short term disability or FMLA to fight this. I guess I just don’t know where to start now that I feel I’m so far gone. I’ve opened up a lot the past two weeks to my family about unresolved issues I was protecting them from. And working my way out of a failed relationship. These things are clearly proving to be triggers for me. Necessary though? I needed to let out things from my past I was hiding. I needed to end a failed relationship. It’s just so much at once. I’m feeling very overwhelmed and my family is concerned. Which. I don’t blame them. Based on how bad of a situation I was in last year. I definitely dont blame them.

So that’s my update. I thank all who have read this. Hopefully I can find my way back to where I need to be.

Xo

This is Why

I have caught myself thinking about alcohol a lot today.  Each time I go “no, no, no.  no more.  you have a problem.  you are done.  stop wasting the space on that crap.”  I imagine how easy it would be to just grab some wine, bail on Pilates class, and drink the entire bottle in two hours.  Only in turn to wake up in the morning and continue to hate myself and dwell on the fact that I can’t get past all of this.  There is this very small linger of hope I look to that says “you will really enjoy sober life.  once you find it.  you will love it.  keep going.”

So with that being said I have decided to sit down and make a list of all the reason I need/want/have to quit drinking.

1) I always regret the amount I drink the morning after, almost every single time.

2) It makes me fat, bloated, and gross.

3) It makes me lazy.  Not only do I not work out, ever – the thought of cooking or walking to get something fairly healthy for dinner seems like a ridiculous task so I order expensive/unhealthy food instead.

4) I spend a shit ton – I mean a shit ton of money on booze.  And the expensive food to go with it.

5) I become an overly sensitive, touchy mess with everything.  Tone.. Jokes.. Comments.. all of them.  Not only that but then I lash out on whoever “offended” me.

6) With #5 comes arguments, tears, and depression.  A lot of all those things.

7) Did I mention it makes me sensitive which leads to arguments and tears?  Ya, it does that.

8) I sleep like crap.  I will usually wake up from 2 am to 6 am just thinking about “why did I drink so much.  I cannot keep living this way” thoughts.

9) When I sleep like crap I then call into work late.  Not great Sauvvy.. Not great.

10) It makes me feel awful and terrible about myself.  In every shape and form.

11) I don’t remember anything. Literally anything. All the talks I’ve had. Concerts I’ve been to. Movies and shows I’ve seen. I don’t remember them.

12) I am not happy with myself because of my drinking problem and I will not ever be genuinely happy if I continue to drink.

Ok.  That’s what I have for now, but I would say for 5 minutes of typing that is only scratching the surface.

Noises

So much is happening in my life right now.  Or maybe just in my head – ya, probably just in my head.

I woke up this morning and for the first time ever I thought to myself, “maybe I should try AA this time.  I am not sure that I can do this alone.”  I have tried to quit drinking countless times and I feel like I have to try something different.  I normally do not let people in.  I am habitually closed off from “feelings” and asking people for help.  As I woke up the first thing I did was message my boyfriend to let him know I need to quit drinking.  Also, another huge step for me.  I have told him I thought about it, but never that it has to happen.

Which brings me to my next thought.  My boyfriend.  He is an amazing man – truly.  He is a firefighter, has an amazing family with a niece and nephews that he adores and they adore him.  However we are not getting along nearly as well as we use to.  I feel like we are constantly fighting and bickering and things just aren’t really working.  Maybe it’s a rough patch?  Maybe it will pass?  Or is this the beginning of the end?  All of these questions go through my head all day, but at the end of each day I love him so incredibly much I cannot imagine my life without him.  But yet, do I love him enough to be forever?

I drink to shut all the noise up in my head.  What will happen when I do not drink and I am forced to listen to all of them?  I am hiding from reality.  Hiding from the truth.  The potential of pain and the agony.

Rude Awakening

I cannot help but think that everything always happens for a reason. I have felt that way for as long as I can remember. As I woke up this morning after my first night of not drinking I turn to my phone to browse through my social media. I see a random “Friend liked” post on Facebook about his friend being two years sober. Well that’s ironic I thought. I then drive to work and I hear Carson Daly talking to Lady Gaga on the radio about her new song with Tony Bennett called “Lush Life”. And how she related so much to the song as she use to watch the clock only to start drinking – and is now the most sober she has been in her life.

I remember why I started on this journey and I have lost sight of that over the past few months. I had an emotional break down as I traveled to my hometown to see my family this past week. There I am – drunk – sobbing into my dads arms as I tell him I miss being home and being with my family. How I have doubts about living in California for the rest of my life. That is staying in the forefront of my thoughts as I wonder, “why do I drink so much?” Am I unhappy? Am I lonely? Am I holding onto past bad relationships deep down? I am not sure. I do know that I need to figure all this out as a lot of large decisions will be coming my way in the next month or so and I for the first time in my life am going to be choosing it sober.

Day 1 for the 457,098th time Continued

So today is starting to look up.  Especially given how low I was this morning I am not sure I could go anywhere other than up.  I decided to go back to the basics.  Went back to my most successful attempt of quitting drinking (15 days) and that all started with Unpickled.  So I re-read.  I also read Belle’s beginnings.  It gives me hope that these women went through what I am going through.  That this will all be worth it in the end!  Just have to stay strong, and not drink today.  And YES – I AM TIRED OF THINKING ABOUT DRINKING!

A little more positivity

So here I am!  Taking on Day 2.  Last night was not hard – especially coming off the ridiculous weekend I just had.  Tonight, I do not foresee being difficult either.  I went through my posts from February and my oh my were they quite down and depressing.  Which to be completely honest is the exact opposite of my personality if you ever met me!  I think last month was the hard core down and dirty realization that I need to quit drinking.  Whereas of now I know it needs to happen it is just MAKING it happen.  I have faith that I can do this – just have to take it one day at a time.  Continue to read sober blogs, continue to blog, and continue on sober.  I also read some great advice which is helping with my day to day mental games.  “Do not worry with when you start drinking again and if.  If you have decided to stop – stop and worry about those times when they get here.”  I started my 100 clock over as of yesterday so I need to not worry about drinking for 100 days – and deal with the days after when they get here.  🙂  

On a complete side note – I just booked my flights to Europe with my bf this morning!  I have not had a vacation in 6 years as I moved out to LA when I was 19 and all my “Vacation” time is used to go home and see my family.  This is also my first trip to Europe, so should be amazing.  We are flying into Lisbon, Portugal – probably spend 2-3 days there then fly to wherever our little hearts desire – maybe Paris, London, who knows!  Then I have a 5 day music festival in Brussels, Belgium – known as Tomorrowland!  I can hardly contain my excitement if I can be completely honest.  July needs to be here – LIKE NOW.  🙂

So ya… just thought I’d add a little more fun and less “WAH ME” into this entry!  Until tomorrow folks!

Still Sick

I am sitting here at 1:30 pm and I STILL feel awful after the weekend I have just had.  Been awake since 430 this morning just staring at the ceiling, finally about to go back to sleep and then SHAKE SHAKE the LA earthquake jolts me up.  Simply Awful.  I hurt my foot as well this weekend, how you ask?!  I have NO idea.  As I cannot remember.  If that doesn’t tell you about my weekend – I don’t know what will.  

I have learned over the past couple of weeks that “plans” are not something I should be doing right now.  I should have surrounded myself with my boyfriend and best friend and only them.  I should have not gotten so far away from my blog and all you wonderful people that got me through those 15 days.  I got distracted… lost my balance.  I am ready to get that back.  I am mentally ready for recovery (I saw that now, but I am still hungover).