addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Noises

So much is happening in my life right now.  Or maybe just in my head – ya, probably just in my head.

I woke up this morning and for the first time ever I thought to myself, “maybe I should try AA this time.  I am not sure that I can do this alone.”  I have tried to quit drinking countless times and I feel like I have to try something different.  I normally do not let people in.  I am habitually closed off from “feelings” and asking people for help.  As I woke up the first thing I did was message my boyfriend to let him know I need to quit drinking.  Also, another huge step for me.  I have told him I thought about it, but never that it has to happen.

Which brings me to my next thought.  My boyfriend.  He is an amazing man – truly.  He is a firefighter, has an amazing family with a niece and nephews that he adores and they adore him.  However we are not getting along nearly as well as we use to.  I feel like we are constantly fighting and bickering and things just aren’t really working.  Maybe it’s a rough patch?  Maybe it will pass?  Or is this the beginning of the end?  All of these questions go through my head all day, but at the end of each day I love him so incredibly much I cannot imagine my life without him.  But yet, do I love him enough to be forever?

I drink to shut all the noise up in my head.  What will happen when I do not drink and I am forced to listen to all of them?  I am hiding from reality.  Hiding from the truth.  The potential of pain and the agony.

15 thoughts on “Noises

  1. You have got this! Do what you think is BEST for you. You deserve to be happy.

    I wanted to share this passage with you. It is from the Big Book and it is read at the beginning of every meeting:

    “Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.”

    You aren’t alone. XOXO Ellie

  2. That’s was what I was doing too. Hiding from the overwhelming noise of self loathing and anger. With booze, booze and more booze.

    You’ve made a step. Emailing your boyfriend is good. I did that. Monday mornings I would be full of regret and hate myself and swear I would quit. Thursday I would be back opening the bootle of white.

    It is SCARY to give up the familiarity of drinking. Bit there is a whole life that you are missing out on by drinking. A bug, bright, happy, joyful life.

    So try it all. Go to AAa and see what it’s about. No one will make you sign over your life. And maybe it will be the first step to freedom!

    You can do it. I did and I am so glad I did.

    Anne

    1. Thank you so much for the words Anne. You are completely right. I have been wishing for a sober life for over a year now. The want and desire is there. It’s just making it happen.

  3. The first step is admitting you have a problem. I quit drinking in 2013 and attended AA for the first few months. I’ve managed to stay happily sober without the program but it was definitely beneficial for me when I was first embarking on sobriety. It helps to be around people who understand the plight and can offer support and wisdom from their own experiences. One thing that helped me tremendously was writing a list of all the reasons I don’t want to drink and then a list of reasons why I wanted to drink. The pros to quitting far outweighed the cons. Maybe something like that could help. I wish you the best of luck! Keep writing too, it’s a good way of dealing with emotions that were dealt with by drinking in the past. You can do this!

  4. Hey it may sound stupid or difficult, but have you tried meditation? I’m just starting to, when I get home from work, right as I’d usually start drinking (or drinking more if I’d had some already)…

    Meditation is about shutting up your mind and getting some peace… Even when you sleep, your mind is active, so it makes sense to give it a rest sometimes… It seems pretty easy. Just sit there and think about nothing, and when you start thinking about something, start thinking about nothing, just about your breathing or whatever… Until after a while you lose track of time and your mind has been pretty empty of ‘noise’ for a while. I’m thinking that if I had time to drink, I’ve got time to sit and freshen my mind for a while.

  5. The drinking is what is making that noise in your head! I bet the noise goes away by itself after you have quit for just a little while. Reach out to those who love you for support as well as those of us out here in the sober blogosphere who are going through the same thing. I had all the same fears as you about sobriety, but I’m finding that it’s so much better than I would have imagined. Keep posting and reaching out to those who care about you!

  6. One thing I find is that while drinking, I tend to bicker with my guy more than when I’m not. Everything is a personal attack, or there’s a “tone” to what he says, or he looks at me a certain way, or the wind is blowing wrong or…it’s the booze. It does that to us. When I’m not drinking, I see and hear things as they really are, and even if things are persnickety, it’s easier to get past it, and those times happen less often.

      1. It’s definitely some evil, mind-bending shit, isn’t it. It’s a wonder any of us keep drinking, but then, that’s part of it’s plan, too. *attempting to refrain from beating my head against the wall* 😉

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