addiction, alcohol, experience, recovery, sobriety, the middle

No. No Wine.

WINE WINE WINE.  ITS ALL THATS ON MY MINNNNDDDDDD.

::In my head this is being sung to some kind of fun melody. Be gone fun melody::

(Not 5 minutes after I posted the above statement did this article pop up on my Facebook feed. http://elitedaily.com/life/im-never-drinking-happens-say-mean/984304/ and just like that… melody be gone.)

addiction, alcohol, experience, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Addiction

I am unsure of how I got to this position in my life.  How one day or if it was multiple days built up.  I have lost relationships to this disease called addiction and I fear more will be lost if I do not do something.  I read quotes by people who said “I would never have reached my full potential if I didn’t get sober.”  And I could not relate more to that.  I have those thoughts daily.  I do believe I will beat this disease, I can envision my life without alcohol.  I can see how happy I will be one day when I can say I am, 30 – 60 -90 days sober.  I had my 27th birthday last week and I cannot be more determined to make this year better than the last.  This will be the year that changes my life.  I have started a new career path to build a life for myself and while I know I will one day be successful in it, I feel as though I cannot give it my all because of this disease.  Something needs to change and something needs to give before this disease kills me.

addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Noises

So much is happening in my life right now.  Or maybe just in my head – ya, probably just in my head.

I woke up this morning and for the first time ever I thought to myself, “maybe I should try AA this time.  I am not sure that I can do this alone.”  I have tried to quit drinking countless times and I feel like I have to try something different.  I normally do not let people in.  I am habitually closed off from “feelings” and asking people for help.  As I woke up the first thing I did was message my boyfriend to let him know I need to quit drinking.  Also, another huge step for me.  I have told him I thought about it, but never that it has to happen.

Which brings me to my next thought.  My boyfriend.  He is an amazing man – truly.  He is a firefighter, has an amazing family with a niece and nephews that he adores and they adore him.  However we are not getting along nearly as well as we use to.  I feel like we are constantly fighting and bickering and things just aren’t really working.  Maybe it’s a rough patch?  Maybe it will pass?  Or is this the beginning of the end?  All of these questions go through my head all day, but at the end of each day I love him so incredibly much I cannot imagine my life without him.  But yet, do I love him enough to be forever?

I drink to shut all the noise up in my head.  What will happen when I do not drink and I am forced to listen to all of them?  I am hiding from reality.  Hiding from the truth.  The potential of pain and the agony.

addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Maybe it’s not about the booze?!

I have been so overwhelmed this last week all I have been doing is thinking – this quitting drinking thing is hard!! When suddenly last night I stopped. Is it really the quitting that’s giving me such a hard time?!

Long story short. I moved to Los Angeles when I was 19 years old. Yes it was hard. Yes my parents thought I was crazy. But I made it work. I’ve created a life for myself out here. Fast forward 5 years. I go through a very abrupt and painful break up. I decide that I’m really ready to be back in the Midwest with my family. I see my parents 3-4 times a year and my brother 1-2. So after 5 years of that, it really takes a toll. I’m out one night and I randomly meet a man. That man has now been my boyfriend for over 2 years. So here I am today.

I currently have a full time job which I plan on either leaving or staying at if they will let me part time to pursue a career in real estate. It’s a career move for me so it is something that has to be done one time or another. Well that conversation is happening today. I love my boss. So I am crazy nervous about the conversation as well as when I leave if I don’t stay part time having a cash flow etc. Fortunately I have savings. But it’s still scary.

So is my anxiety and struggle with quitting booze really what’s giving me such a hard time? Yes it’s all been hard but I have found I was drinking so much that I was ignoring all these life decisions that I have in front of me and now that that isn’t an option – I’m being forced to deal with them. Sober.

addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Undecided

As I sit here on my last single digit day sober, I feel lost.  I feel like all emotions have left me and all I am is a body sitting at my desk with no feeling of anything.  This whole journey is already exhausting and I am only 9 days in.  Even to sit here and gather my thoughts to blog feels like a task in itself.

This go around at quitting I do notice a huge difference between the last time I tried.  I am no longer thinking about “oh my what will I do on Halloween?  What will I do when my dad visits?”  I am only worried about today.  I have separated myself from all gatherings, however.  Which I have mixed feelings about.  I spent all last weekend horizontal on my couch for fear I would relapse (ugh hate that word.)  I was invited to a few gatherings for next weekend and again kept it up in the air so I could either go or not go depending on how I feel.

I know two things at this point.  1) Not going out is going to drive me CRAZY.  Being on the couch or alone all weekend, I will go nuts!  I am a social butterfly (yes it always revolved around alcohol).  2) I am unsure if I trust myself to the point of going out and saying no to alcohol.  I read my blog posts back from February and when I began drinking again I wrote, “I should have not been making plans right now.  I should have kept to myself with my boyfriend until I had some more time under my belt” or something like that.  So that is ringing pretty loudly in my ears as all these “plans” are happening.

So all in all… as my last single digit day… I feel just blah.

addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Weekend End.

I sit here and am looking back at the weekend that has passed. I had some positivity and some hesitation as of Friday. All in all – the feelings still carried over to the weekend.

Saturday my boyfriend was off work which was lovely and we had a business/personal lunch thing to attend. That was also great. We debated going to meet with friends after. He said he was tired – I said I didn’t want to drink. So we came home for the rest of the day. Found the show The Strain (it’s great and addicting if u haven’t seen it. However you have to like the walking dead-ish type shows, it’s quite gruesome) and watched 5 episodes of that. By the end of the day – Saturday was good! Didn’t contemplate drinking too much which was a nice change of pace especially for a Saturday.

Now onto Sunday. Sunday was a different story. I woke up early and kept busy: did laundry, unpacked, cleaned, things were going good. Then I ended my chores. Wanting to drink hit me like a ton of bricks. I stood up at least 2-3 times convinced I could have some wine. As I stepped into the kitchen. I stopped. Made tea and sat back down. I didn’t do it, but boy did I want to. Some people would probably feel happy – proud even. I didn’t and I still don’t. I feel sad and bummed out. All I wanted was wine and I can’t have it.

addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

A Little Up – A Little Down

As the I sit here on Friday – my day 4 I remember where I was the last time I was semi successful at abstaining from alcohol (a total of 15 days.)  I wrote a post about how terrified I was that the weekend was coming.  I could not even begin to imagine how I could get through 2 days completely sober and I was an emotional, nervous wreck.

Well, I can happily say that at this go around, I feel much more comfortable with the weekend coming.  One of my good girlfriends knows that something is up with me as I bailed on a birthday party already this weekend so she nicely invited me over for wine.  As it was typed into my phone “oh well I am actually taking a break from drinking, but I will come see you and chat!” I stopped.  No.  That will not be the outcome.  Not with her or anyone for that matter at this point.  Her and I have spent a ridiculous amount of time drinking/drunk together.  Way more time than sober that’s for sure.  So even me putting out there that I will not drink – I will.  Or at-least be tempted and I am not ready for that reality and that internal struggle.

I feel a little in between today.  I feel good with my progression and my ability to acknowledge the potential issue if I were to go.  However, not so good that I know I will have to quarantine myself in the coming weeks to get some time under my belt and to come to terms with all of this change happening in my life.

addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

The Excuses Begin… Day 3

My post from back in February. Basically sums up my current day 3.

drunk on sauv

So today begins the mind games. “I haven’t had a drink in two days. I could handle one”. “I’ll be fine with one. I got this under control” And so on… It really isn’t until I repeat them to myself and say “you see what you just did there?! You are making excuses to have a drink. Which will turn into 4. This is what stems from the problem you have that you must over come. This is part of the problem!” At that moment I realize that I haven’t come nearly as far as I need to and I need to power through. Continue to move forward day by day with the acceptance and realization that I have a constant struggle and problem with alcohol.

I haven’t told anyone about quitting drinking. For fear of failure really. For fear of disappointment. For fear of “I knew you weren’t gonna…

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addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Rude Awakening

I cannot help but think that everything always happens for a reason. I have felt that way for as long as I can remember. As I woke up this morning after my first night of not drinking I turn to my phone to browse through my social media. I see a random “Friend liked” post on Facebook about his friend being two years sober. Well that’s ironic I thought. I then drive to work and I hear Carson Daly talking to Lady Gaga on the radio about her new song with Tony Bennett called “Lush Life”. And how she related so much to the song as she use to watch the clock only to start drinking – and is now the most sober she has been in her life.

I remember why I started on this journey and I have lost sight of that over the past few months. I had an emotional break down as I traveled to my hometown to see my family this past week. There I am – drunk – sobbing into my dads arms as I tell him I miss being home and being with my family. How I have doubts about living in California for the rest of my life. That is staying in the forefront of my thoughts as I wonder, “why do I drink so much?” Am I unhappy? Am I lonely? Am I holding onto past bad relationships deep down? I am not sure. I do know that I need to figure all this out as a lot of large decisions will be coming my way in the next month or so and I for the first time in my life am going to be choosing it sober.