addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Noises

So much is happening in my life right now.  Or maybe just in my head – ya, probably just in my head.

I woke up this morning and for the first time ever I thought to myself, “maybe I should try AA this time.  I am not sure that I can do this alone.”  I have tried to quit drinking countless times and I feel like I have to try something different.  I normally do not let people in.  I am habitually closed off from “feelings” and asking people for help.  As I woke up the first thing I did was message my boyfriend to let him know I need to quit drinking.  Also, another huge step for me.  I have told him I thought about it, but never that it has to happen.

Which brings me to my next thought.  My boyfriend.  He is an amazing man – truly.  He is a firefighter, has an amazing family with a niece and nephews that he adores and they adore him.  However we are not getting along nearly as well as we use to.  I feel like we are constantly fighting and bickering and things just aren’t really working.  Maybe it’s a rough patch?  Maybe it will pass?  Or is this the beginning of the end?  All of these questions go through my head all day, but at the end of each day I love him so incredibly much I cannot imagine my life without him.  But yet, do I love him enough to be forever?

I drink to shut all the noise up in my head.  What will happen when I do not drink and I am forced to listen to all of them?  I am hiding from reality.  Hiding from the truth.  The potential of pain and the agony.