This is what the last day feels like. Today will be my last-first sober day. Here’s to not having another day one.
Where am I.
This is not the me I use to know.
At some point I took a wrong turn.
The point of that turn is unknown.
My heads a mess and I can’t think straight.
I don’t know how I got here in the first place.
This position we r in was never my intention.
I just started crying and then it happened.
Was it subconscious?
Was it assumptive?
So many questions,
To which I don’t have the answer.
Writing was always an outlet.
But as I sit here, I struggle to type.
The emotions have been blocked for so long.
I think they may even be gone.
Blocking emotions with booze, denial and silence.
Hoping never to acknowledge or feel the pain.
Even blocking the inner words of myself.
These are the things that have led me here today.
My head hurts. I just ended a two and half year relationship approximately two hours ago. I’ve been doubtful of the relationship for a bit, but that still doesn’t make it any easier. The thoughts of it had gotten so heavy and intense I actually drowned the sounds in booze and basically stopped working. I have been depressed for about a month now and I decided this weekend it was time to make a change. So here I am. Repairing my destroyed life one issue at a time. I may not be sober. But at least I made a huge move towards sobriety with putting this head mess to rest.
I have caught myself thinking about alcohol a lot today. Each time I go “no, no, no. no more. you have a problem. you are done. stop wasting the space on that crap.” I imagine how easy it would be to just grab some wine, bail on Pilates class, and drink the entire bottle in two hours. Only in turn to wake up in the morning and continue to hate myself and dwell on the fact that I can’t get past all of this. There is this very small linger of hope I look to that says “you will really enjoy sober life. once you find it. you will love it. keep going.”
So with that being said I have decided to sit down and make a list of all the reason I need/want/have to quit drinking.
1) I always regret the amount I drink the morning after, almost every single time.
2) It makes me fat, bloated, and gross.
3) It makes me lazy. Not only do I not work out, ever – the thought of cooking or walking to get something fairly healthy for dinner seems like a ridiculous task so I order expensive/unhealthy food instead.
4) I spend a shit ton – I mean a shit ton of money on booze. And the expensive food to go with it.
5) I become an overly sensitive, touchy mess with everything. Tone.. Jokes.. Comments.. all of them. Not only that but then I lash out on whoever “offended” me.
6) With #5 comes arguments, tears, and depression. A lot of all those things.
7) Did I mention it makes me sensitive which leads to arguments and tears? Ya, it does that.
8) I sleep like crap. I will usually wake up from 2 am to 6 am just thinking about “why did I drink so much. I cannot keep living this way” thoughts.
9) When I sleep like crap I then call into work late. Not great Sauvvy.. Not great.
10) It makes me feel awful and terrible about myself. In every shape and form.
11) I don’t remember anything. Literally anything. All the talks I’ve had. Concerts I’ve been to. Movies and shows I’ve seen. I don’t remember them.
12) I am not happy with myself because of my drinking problem and I will not ever be genuinely happy if I continue to drink.
Ok. That’s what I have for now, but I would say for 5 minutes of typing that is only scratching the surface.
As I sit here and reflect on the past couple of weeks I have had, one thing stands out the most. I need to change the way I think and view where I am at in my life.
I am constantly thinking about what I have failed in instead of what I have succeeded in. I am constantly thinking negatively instead of positively. So today here it is. I will move forward with a positive attitude. I will think about how far I have come at the age of 26 and not what I have not done.
In the words of my fellow bloggers – I will think about what I CAN do – not what I CAN’T do.
So much is happening in my life right now. Or maybe just in my head – ya, probably just in my head.
I woke up this morning and for the first time ever I thought to myself, “maybe I should try AA this time. I am not sure that I can do this alone.” I have tried to quit drinking countless times and I feel like I have to try something different. I normally do not let people in. I am habitually closed off from “feelings” and asking people for help. As I woke up the first thing I did was message my boyfriend to let him know I need to quit drinking. Also, another huge step for me. I have told him I thought about it, but never that it has to happen.
Which brings me to my next thought. My boyfriend. He is an amazing man – truly. He is a firefighter, has an amazing family with a niece and nephews that he adores and they adore him. However we are not getting along nearly as well as we use to. I feel like we are constantly fighting and bickering and things just aren’t really working. Maybe it’s a rough patch? Maybe it will pass? Or is this the beginning of the end? All of these questions go through my head all day, but at the end of each day I love him so incredibly much I cannot imagine my life without him. But yet, do I love him enough to be forever?
I drink to shut all the noise up in my head. What will happen when I do not drink and I am forced to listen to all of them? I am hiding from reality. Hiding from the truth. The potential of pain and the agony.
I have been so overwhelmed this last week all I have been doing is thinking – this quitting drinking thing is hard!! When suddenly last night I stopped. Is it really the quitting that’s giving me such a hard time?!
Long story short. I moved to Los Angeles when I was 19 years old. Yes it was hard. Yes my parents thought I was crazy. But I made it work. I’ve created a life for myself out here. Fast forward 5 years. I go through a very abrupt and painful break up. I decide that I’m really ready to be back in the Midwest with my family. I see my parents 3-4 times a year and my brother 1-2. So after 5 years of that, it really takes a toll. I’m out one night and I randomly meet a man. That man has now been my boyfriend for over 2 years. So here I am today.
I currently have a full time job which I plan on either leaving or staying at if they will let me part time to pursue a career in real estate. It’s a career move for me so it is something that has to be done one time or another. Well that conversation is happening today. I love my boss. So I am crazy nervous about the conversation as well as when I leave if I don’t stay part time having a cash flow etc. Fortunately I have savings. But it’s still scary.
So is my anxiety and struggle with quitting booze really what’s giving me such a hard time? Yes it’s all been hard but I have found I was drinking so much that I was ignoring all these life decisions that I have in front of me and now that that isn’t an option – I’m being forced to deal with them. Sober.
As I sit here on my last single digit day sober, I feel lost. I feel like all emotions have left me and all I am is a body sitting at my desk with no feeling of anything. This whole journey is already exhausting and I am only 9 days in. Even to sit here and gather my thoughts to blog feels like a task in itself.
This go around at quitting I do notice a huge difference between the last time I tried. I am no longer thinking about “oh my what will I do on Halloween? What will I do when my dad visits?” I am only worried about today. I have separated myself from all gatherings, however. Which I have mixed feelings about. I spent all last weekend horizontal on my couch for fear I would relapse (ugh hate that word.) I was invited to a few gatherings for next weekend and again kept it up in the air so I could either go or not go depending on how I feel.
I know two things at this point. 1) Not going out is going to drive me CRAZY. Being on the couch or alone all weekend, I will go nuts! I am a social butterfly (yes it always revolved around alcohol). 2) I am unsure if I trust myself to the point of going out and saying no to alcohol. I read my blog posts back from February and when I began drinking again I wrote, “I should have not been making plans right now. I should have kept to myself with my boyfriend until I had some more time under my belt” or something like that. So that is ringing pretty loudly in my ears as all these “plans” are happening.
So all in all… as my last single digit day… I feel just blah.
Wine. Wine. Wine. That is all that’s on my mind. Must. Make. It. Stop.
I sit here and am looking back at the weekend that has passed. I had some positivity and some hesitation as of Friday. All in all – the feelings still carried over to the weekend.
Saturday my boyfriend was off work which was lovely and we had a business/personal lunch thing to attend. That was also great. We debated going to meet with friends after. He said he was tired – I said I didn’t want to drink. So we came home for the rest of the day. Found the show The Strain (it’s great and addicting if u haven’t seen it. However you have to like the walking dead-ish type shows, it’s quite gruesome) and watched 5 episodes of that. By the end of the day – Saturday was good! Didn’t contemplate drinking too much which was a nice change of pace especially for a Saturday.
Now onto Sunday. Sunday was a different story. I woke up early and kept busy: did laundry, unpacked, cleaned, things were going good. Then I ended my chores. Wanting to drink hit me like a ton of bricks. I stood up at least 2-3 times convinced I could have some wine. As I stepped into the kitchen. I stopped. Made tea and sat back down. I didn’t do it, but boy did I want to. Some people would probably feel happy – proud even. I didn’t and I still don’t. I feel sad and bummed out. All I wanted was wine and I can’t have it.