So I sit here on day 5 and thinking of the up and coming weekend I re-read my last “first weekend” post from my only other semi successful attempt at sobriety. I am happy to say I am not nearly as worried or lost as I was back then. I feel comfortable. I feel ready. I feel like I’m in a much more peaceful place this time. I have a trip to the beach. Pilates. My recovery book. Laundry. The mall. So many things I have planned and knowing I won’t be wasted by noon I know I will get them all done. 🙂
Happy Sober Weekend Everyone!
I would just like to start off by saying THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone who has left kind words of motivation and advice on my blog or via email. I am in the same position as a lot of you with just starting out and communication with you while we are going through this together has been a life saver. As well as those of you who have gone through this and know what I am going through and giving me words of encouragement – you all are incredibly amazing! I truly do not believe I would be on day 8 without you guys and without this blog! OK… sappy sappy over here. Sorry about that! 🙂
SO! After a long, exhausting, and emotional roller coaster of a week, I made it! I made it through. Did I have a mini break down?! YES! Good lord Friday was rough. I got a text from my friend asking me to go out.. I said no of course to concentrate on myself for the weekend and what was her response “oh come on! alcohol will help!!” ugh. Sadly no – it will not.
I did realize that I was harvesting a lot of hurt and pain which I had clearly had been avoiding for years. I was so concerned with “not feeling” I have been damn near drunk everyday in order to not deal with things for the past 4 years. And boy did they come running back – and fast. BUT! On a positive note… I am here. I am on day 8 and I could not be more excited about that! I finally told my best friend after the long week (whom I cannot hide ANYTHING from anyways and he already knew something was up.) And he was nothing but supportive. He knows that it has been a long journey for me and alcohol and he couldn’t be more positive and there for me. His response “OH THAT’S GREAT!!! You know how I love sober nights in ;)” hehehehe. Today is the day I will tell my boyfriend who I assume will have an equally positive reaction. 🙂 I have read multiple times that the first week is the hardest – and while I cannot attest to this as I am only beginning week 2, I can only hope that is true. I wish to not relive last week for the life of me, hahahaha.
As I think back to the day yesterday I can happily say I craved cheesecake more than I craved wine!!! Mind you – I ALWAYS had something to drink by my side. I went through 3 liters of lime Perrier sparkling water just to be sure at no time was I left with the thought – “what do I want to drink? I’m bored, do I want to get wine?” I think for me – that will be the key.
I depended so much on wine at nights and on weekends because I drink 3-4 liters of regular water at work the last thing I wanted was more fucking water when I got home. Well last month when I tried to cut back on drinking during the week my boyfriend was very good about buying me other things to divert me from drinking wine. And then there it was – Pellegrino and lime Perrier. To what I now see as my saving grace. As I sit here I only have 1 liter left so yes I’ll have to make a trip to the store – but for once – buying wine is not on my mind. And that, is a great feeling. I have spent basically this entire week by myself and I know that if I can get through this weekend, being alone at home, on my couch, and not drink. That I will be ok and I will get through this. I made it through yesterday – no doubt it in my mind I will make it through today. Which will be Day 7 by the way!!!!!!! Bet your ass I’m still counting lol. (I look forward to the day that I don’t know the exact number of days I’ve been sober so I have to look at my sober clock though!!)
I am still extremely nervous to mention it to anyone. For fear of “relapsing” (I hate that word….. Maybe….. Having a slight mishap? I don’t know. Ill paw on that one.). But I know I must say something to someone. To have support at home and when I decide to get back into my social life – only booze free. I opted into Belle’s 100 day challenge, and I must be honest. I still can’t fathom 100 days sober!!!!!! Not the least bit. So for me. One day at a time will have to do.
As the weekend fast approaches I cannot help but feel so incredibly concerned for the obstacle that lies a head of me. I have not spent and entire weekend sober in over 4 years. Being an extremely social person I am always at brunches, dinners, bars, games, absolutely anything to get me out of the house. And when I am not in the house I waste away my days enjoying movies and a glass of champagne or Sauv. And by glass I mean one, two, or even three bottles throughout the entire day. It is how I would pass my time and generally would spend Friday until late Sunday if not just drunk completely smashed. My motto of “I Work to Live not Live to Work” rings in the back of my head which is why I would always be so occupied on the weekends.
During the week has felt a lot easier to not a glass or bottle at night as being in Los Angeles I have a 12 hour day with traffic and work. So being home only 3 hours before bed is just a fraction of the time I have to mentally not let myself go to the liquor store for a bottle. Seeing as it will be a full 48 hours of my own time to say no… I am pretty worried.