addiction, alcohol, experience, recovery, sobriety, the middle

A Different Place

So I sit here on day 5 and thinking of the up and coming weekend I re-read my last “first weekend” post from my only other semi successful attempt at sobriety. I am happy to say I am not nearly as worried or lost as I was back then. I feel comfortable. I feel ready. I feel like I’m in a much more peaceful place this time. I have a trip to the beach. Pilates. My recovery book. Laundry. The mall. So many things I have planned and knowing I won’t be wasted by noon I know I will get them all done. ūüôā 

Happy Sober Weekend Everyone!



addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle


I would just like to start off by saying THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone who has left kind words of motivation and advice on my blog or via email. ¬†I am in the same position as a lot of you with just starting out and communication with you while we are going through this together has been a life saver. ¬†As well as those of you who have gone through this and know what I am going through and giving me words of encouragement – you all are incredibly amazing! ¬†I truly do not believe I would be on day 8 without you guys and without this blog! ¬†OK… sappy sappy over here. ¬†Sorry about that! ¬†ūüôā

SO! After a long, exhausting, and emotional roller coaster of a week, I made it! ¬†I made it through. ¬†Did I have a mini break down?! ¬†YES! ¬†Good lord Friday was rough. ¬†I got a text from my friend asking me to go out.. I said no of course to concentrate on myself for the weekend and what was her response “oh come on! ¬†alcohol will help!!” ¬†ugh. ¬†Sadly no – it will not. ¬†

I did realize that I was harvesting a lot of hurt and pain which I had clearly had been avoiding for years. ¬†I was so concerned with “not feeling” I have been damn near drunk everyday in order to not deal with things for the past 4 years. ¬†And boy did they come running back – and fast. ¬†BUT! ¬†On a positive note… I am here. ¬†I am on day 8 and I could not be more excited about that! ¬†I finally told my best friend after the long week (whom I cannot hide ANYTHING from anyways and he already knew something was up.) ¬†And he was nothing but supportive. ¬†He knows that it has been a long journey for me and alcohol and he couldn’t be more positive and there for me. ¬†His response “OH THAT’S GREAT!!! ¬†You know how I love sober nights in ;)” ¬†hehehehe. ¬†Today is the day I will tell my boyfriend who I assume will have an equally positive reaction. ¬†ūüôā ¬†I have read multiple times that the first week is the hardest – and while I cannot attest to this as I am only beginning week 2, I can only hope that is true. ¬†I wish to not relive last week for the life of me, hahahaha.


addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle


As I think back to the day yesterday I can happily say I craved cheesecake more than I craved wine!!! Mind you – I ALWAYS had something to drink by my side. I went through 3 liters of lime Perrier sparkling water just to be sure at no time was I left with the thought – “what do I want to drink? I’m bored, do I want to get wine?” I think for me – that will be the key.

I depended so much on wine at nights and on weekends because I drink 3-4 liters of regular water at work the last thing I wanted was more fucking water when I got home. Well last month when I tried to cut back on drinking during the week my boyfriend was very good about buying me other things to divert me from drinking wine. And then there it was – Pellegrino and lime Perrier. To what I now see as my saving grace. As I sit here I only have 1 liter left so yes I’ll have to make a trip to the store – but for once – buying wine is not on my mind. And that, is a great feeling. I have spent basically this entire week by myself and I know that if I can get through this weekend, being alone at home, on my couch, and not drink. That I will be ok and I will get through this. I made it through yesterday – no doubt it in my mind I will make it through today. Which will be Day 7 by the way!!!!!!! Bet your ass I’m still counting lol. (I look forward to the day that I don’t know the exact number of days I’ve been sober so I have to look at my sober clock though!!)

I am still extremely nervous to mention it to anyone. For fear of “relapsing” (I hate that word….. Maybe….. Having a slight mishap? I don’t know. Ill paw on that one.). But I know I must say something to someone. To have support at home and when I decide to get back into my social life – only booze free. I opted into Belle’s 100 day challenge, and I must be honest. I still can’t fathom 100 days sober!!!!!! Not the least bit. So for me. One day at a time will have to do.

addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Worries of the Weekend

As the weekend fast approaches I cannot help but feel so incredibly concerned for the obstacle that lies a head of me. ¬†I have not spent and entire weekend sober in over 4 years. ¬†Being an extremely social person I am always at brunches, dinners, bars, games, absolutely anything to get me out of the house. ¬†And when I am not in the house I waste away my days enjoying movies and a glass of champagne or Sauv. ¬†And by glass I mean one, two, or even three bottles throughout the entire day. ¬†It is how I would pass my time and generally would spend Friday until late Sunday if not just drunk completely smashed. ¬†My motto of “I Work to Live not Live to Work” rings in the back of my head which is why I would always be so occupied on the weekends. ¬†

During the week has felt a lot easier to not a glass or bottle at night as being in Los Angeles I have a 12 hour day with traffic and work. ¬†So being home only 3 hours before bed is just a fraction of the time I have to mentally not let myself go to the liquor store for a bottle. ¬†Seeing as it will be a full 48 hours of my own time to say no… I am pretty worried. ¬†