5 Years Since This Account

Hello World,

I am in aw. I have not opened or looked at this account in 4+ years. I hope you all have been well and a lot of honesty is going to come from this post. I have not stopped drinking. I actually should have died a year ago after being taken to the ER with an obsene alcohol level, March 7th 2018 to be exact. Eesh that pill is still hard for me to swallow. Went to out patient rehab. I went in with the mental thought of “forever” which utterly terrified me. How does one accept in early stages to not think of forever? But just for now? And hold true to that day in and day out. I knew I wouldn’t make it. I honestly was like, I got this. This all makes a bit more sense to me. I got this. I was clearly sadly wrong. While I’m not binging away for days on end (no longer Sauvignon blanc mind you. I’ve thus converted to vodka and spiked sparkling water). I’m still not living my full life. How does one counter this demon in ones head of “it’s ok. Just don’t drink 8 vodkas and you’ll be fine”.

I know I need to change. I can whole heartedly say that I cannot continue living this way. It’s my escape for the boredom and loneliness and to make the time absently pass, because I am in fact alone. I’ve contacted a therapist to meet for some unresolved issues I even talked about in this blog 4 years ago. I’ve considered short term disability or FMLA to fight this. I guess I just don’t know where to start now that I feel I’m so far gone. I’ve opened up a lot the past two weeks to my family about unresolved issues I was protecting them from. And working my way out of a failed relationship. These things are clearly proving to be triggers for me. Necessary though? I needed to let out things from my past I was hiding. I needed to end a failed relationship. It’s just so much at once. I’m feeling very overwhelmed and my family is concerned. Which. I don’t blame them. Based on how bad of a situation I was in last year. I definitely dont blame them.

So that’s my update. I thank all who have read this. Hopefully I can find my way back to where I need to be.

Xo

Chaos

Im sick. I’m tired. Im fed up. I hate feeling this way. Day 1. St Patricks day. How poetic. Today needs to be it. The first day. I must be done.

Two Different People… Day 4

Even though this is not a new feeling to becoming sober it is a feeling I wish to express on Day 4.  It runs along the lines of yesterdays post about excuses.  I just cannot wrap my head around how I feel in the morning compared to how I feel at 6 pm.  I am sure it is nothing short of a bad habit that I have just become accustomed to.  In the morning I feel so happy and good that I did not drink the night before, like, “BRING IT ON DAY 4!!!” And and then the evening hits – BAM!  Like a ton of bricks.  “MMmMmMmmMm wiiineeeee!!!!”  I know what is better for me yet I have that tiny little devil perched on my left shoulder saying – “DOOO ITTT!”  I always regret drinking in the mornings and always, every single time say, “gosh drunky, why did you do that.”  

I think a part of me is still in denial about all this.  That I – at the age of 25 am going through this.  I just kept telling myself over the past couple years, “most people drink away their twenties!!!  Whats the big deal!!!”  Well me getting drunk by myself on a Saturday in my apartment is not what most people were or are probably doing.  

There is a reason I was drinking that much, if not for solely the addiction, but for more emotional reasons.  I was extremely unhappy with the way I was living my life and drank to forget about that.  My insecurity levels are through the roof as my last relationship fell apart in one day quickly before my very eyes so I was drinking to forget about that.  I do not feel good about my body so I was drinking to forget about that. Vicious cycle really.  All alcohol was doing was making me feel worse about myself, not to mention making me fatter and numbing the pain an issues I have while keeping my life at a stand still.  

I know all this.  I acknowledge all this.  Yet there is that damn little devil.  I hate that little devil.

Day 2… Continues

So as I am nearing the end of my work day, all I can do is have my everyday thoughts of… mmmm WINE!!! Everyday I am so use to going home after a long and extremely irritating day, grabbing a bottle of wine, and just lounging. I struggle with accepting what people who don’t drink actually do with their time. “So do I just sit there?!” Is a lot of whats going through my head. In all honesty it seems quite boring. I am out with my friends drinking and eating at least 2-4 times a week… crazy to wrap my head around the fact that I won’t be doing that anymore. Must Stay Strong… and Power Through.