addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Undecided

As I sit here on my last single digit day sober, I feel lost.  I feel like all emotions have left me and all I am is a body sitting at my desk with no feeling of anything.  This whole journey is already exhausting and I am only 9 days in.  Even to sit here and gather my thoughts to blog feels like a task in itself.

This go around at quitting I do notice a huge difference between the last time I tried.  I am no longer thinking about “oh my what will I do on Halloween?  What will I do when my dad visits?”  I am only worried about today.  I have separated myself from all gatherings, however.  Which I have mixed feelings about.  I spent all last weekend horizontal on my couch for fear I would relapse (ugh hate that word.)  I was invited to a few gatherings for next weekend and again kept it up in the air so I could either go or not go depending on how I feel.

I know two things at this point.  1) Not going out is going to drive me CRAZY.  Being on the couch or alone all weekend, I will go nuts!  I am a social butterfly (yes it always revolved around alcohol).  2) I am unsure if I trust myself to the point of going out and saying no to alcohol.  I read my blog posts back from February and when I began drinking again I wrote, “I should have not been making plans right now.  I should have kept to myself with my boyfriend until I had some more time under my belt” or something like that.  So that is ringing pretty loudly in my ears as all these “plans” are happening.

So all in all… as my last single digit day… I feel just blah.

addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Weekend End.

I sit here and am looking back at the weekend that has passed. I had some positivity and some hesitation as of Friday. All in all – the feelings still carried over to the weekend.

Saturday my boyfriend was off work which was lovely and we had a business/personal lunch thing to attend. That was also great. We debated going to meet with friends after. He said he was tired – I said I didn’t want to drink. So we came home for the rest of the day. Found the show The Strain (it’s great and addicting if u haven’t seen it. However you have to like the walking dead-ish type shows, it’s quite gruesome) and watched 5 episodes of that. By the end of the day – Saturday was good! Didn’t contemplate drinking too much which was a nice change of pace especially for a Saturday.

Now onto Sunday. Sunday was a different story. I woke up early and kept busy: did laundry, unpacked, cleaned, things were going good. Then I ended my chores. Wanting to drink hit me like a ton of bricks. I stood up at least 2-3 times convinced I could have some wine. As I stepped into the kitchen. I stopped. Made tea and sat back down. I didn’t do it, but boy did I want to. Some people would probably feel happy – proud even. I didn’t and I still don’t. I feel sad and bummed out. All I wanted was wine and I can’t have it.

addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

The Excuses Begin… Day 3

My post from back in February. Basically sums up my current day 3.

drunk on sauv

So today begins the mind games. “I haven’t had a drink in two days. I could handle one”. “I’ll be fine with one. I got this under control” And so on… It really isn’t until I repeat them to myself and say “you see what you just did there?! You are making excuses to have a drink. Which will turn into 4. This is what stems from the problem you have that you must over come. This is part of the problem!” At that moment I realize that I haven’t come nearly as far as I need to and I need to power through. Continue to move forward day by day with the acceptance and realization that I have a constant struggle and problem with alcohol.

I haven’t told anyone about quitting drinking. For fear of failure really. For fear of disappointment. For fear of “I knew you weren’t gonna…

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addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Rude Awakening

I cannot help but think that everything always happens for a reason. I have felt that way for as long as I can remember. As I woke up this morning after my first night of not drinking I turn to my phone to browse through my social media. I see a random “Friend liked” post on Facebook about his friend being two years sober. Well that’s ironic I thought. I then drive to work and I hear Carson Daly talking to Lady Gaga on the radio about her new song with Tony Bennett called “Lush Life”. And how she related so much to the song as she use to watch the clock only to start drinking – and is now the most sober she has been in her life.

I remember why I started on this journey and I have lost sight of that over the past few months. I had an emotional break down as I traveled to my hometown to see my family this past week. There I am – drunk – sobbing into my dads arms as I tell him I miss being home and being with my family. How I have doubts about living in California for the rest of my life. That is staying in the forefront of my thoughts as I wonder, “why do I drink so much?” Am I unhappy? Am I lonely? Am I holding onto past bad relationships deep down? I am not sure. I do know that I need to figure all this out as a lot of large decisions will be coming my way in the next month or so and I for the first time in my life am going to be choosing it sober.

addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Saying Day 1 Makes Me Nervous

I have said “Day 1” before – and I can never stick with it.  So this time, today is just a day.  A day of not drinking.  I keep falling off the wagon and watching it pass by me.  Sometimes for weeks and sometimes for months.  The voices of “you will get through this and you will be ok.”  “You aren’t an alcoholic, you can control this, just one – maybe two!” cloud my head all day everyday.  I will always remember a follower of my blog left a comment that read “drinking isn’t living.  you can live without drinking.”  And I know a part of me believes that and a part of me hates that (the addict part).

I have said to my boyfriend and friends that I want to “cut back” because i cant fathom saying out loud “I want to quit”.  And even with saying “cut back” they all still laugh at me and say “YAAHHHH RIGHT!!!!” I know if they knew how I truly felt they would be more supportive.  I am still just trying so hard to do this on my own, facing the denial, the addiction, and the acceptance is a lot harder then I ever had imagined.  One minute you go “there was my ah-ha moment, I’m done.”  And two days later you are back at the bottle again.

Ugh… just keep swimming.  Just keep swimming.

addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Remorse

So per usual.  I sit here after falling off the wagon and I feel absolutely terrible.  I waste away my entire day remorseful and regretting the decision I made the night before to drink.  I feel sluggish.  Fat.  Awful.  Any word really to describe an individual which is not positive.  I feel awful about myself.  I am bloated, hating how my body looks and I know I can look better.  Yet I still make the nightly decision to drink, and then the drinking leads to over eating and eating things so bad for me I would never imagine eating them sober.  I realize that if I changed my nightly habit that the next day would feel tremendously better.  I know the weight wont fall off in one day (even though I really wish it would!!!)  But at least it would begin the process.  Instead of feeling good about myself I just wither away in insecurity and self pity.  It is quite depressing really.  I believe that that is why I drink, come to think of it.  I drink to forget about all the negative thoughts I have during the day – only to lead me to the next day of negative thoughts – and back again.  So instead of dealing with the pain and agony I simply shut it up for a few hours with alcohol.  Makes no damn sense.  And I know that.  It is just a matter of doing something about it – and that is my current struggle. 

addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Cant Win

I feel like this whole process is a lose lose at this point.  When I am drinking I am mad at myself each morning about drinking the night before – remorseful even.  So I spend my days dwelling on the facts that occurred the night before (or what I can remember of them).  And now that I am trying to quit drinking – all I think about is drinking.  Its one bad thing or another.  I don’t want to be remorseful and I don’t want to waste away my days thinking about drinking either.  Lose.  Lose.