As I sit here on my last single digit day sober, I feel lost. I feel like all emotions have left me and all I am is a body sitting at my desk with no feeling of anything. This whole journey is already exhausting and I am only 9 days in. Even to sit here and gather my thoughts to blog feels like a task in itself.
This go around at quitting I do notice a huge difference between the last time I tried. I am no longer thinking about “oh my what will I do on Halloween? What will I do when my dad visits?” I am only worried about today. I have separated myself from all gatherings, however. Which I have mixed feelings about. I spent all last weekend horizontal on my couch for fear I would relapse (ugh hate that word.) I was invited to a few gatherings for next weekend and again kept it up in the air so I could either go or not go depending on how I feel.
I know two things at this point. 1) Not going out is going to drive me CRAZY. Being on the couch or alone all weekend, I will go nuts! I am a social butterfly (yes it always revolved around alcohol). 2) I am unsure if I trust myself to the point of going out and saying no to alcohol. I read my blog posts back from February and when I began drinking again I wrote, “I should have not been making plans right now. I should have kept to myself with my boyfriend until I had some more time under my belt” or something like that. So that is ringing pretty loudly in my ears as all these “plans” are happening.
So all in all… as my last single digit day… I feel just blah.