addiction, alcohol, experience, recovery, sobriety, the middle

A Different Place

So I sit here on day 5 and thinking of the up and coming weekend I re-read my last “first weekend” post from my only other semi successful attempt at sobriety. I am happy to say I am not nearly as worried or lost as I was back then. I feel comfortable. I feel ready. I feel like I’m in a much more peaceful place this time. I have a trip to the beach. Pilates. My recovery book. Laundry. The mall. So many things I have planned and knowing I won’t be wasted by noon I know I will get them all done. ūüôā 

Happy Sober Weekend Everyone!

  

(Truth)

addiction, alcohol, experience, recovery, sobriety, the middle

No. No Wine.

WINE WINE WINE.  ITS ALL THATS ON MY MINNNNDDDDDD.

::In my head this is being sung to some kind of fun melody. Be gone fun melody::

(Not 5 minutes after I posted the above statement did this article pop up on my Facebook feed. http://elitedaily.com/life/im-never-drinking-happens-say-mean/984304/ and just like that… melody be gone.)

addiction, alcohol, experience, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Night One

So it went as to be expected I think. With my anxiety on full gears all day I knew that when I got home Id have to do something out of my norm to relax. Walked in my house door, made a cup of green tea, grabbed my recovery book, High: A Party Girls Guide to Peace, and crawled into bed. Somehow when I’m in bed I don’t think about drinking so much so it was nice to turn my brain off for a bit. 

Three cups of tea and 60 pages later I decided to add a new method to my recovery. I figured what I had tried in the past never fully worked so adding in new “tools” couldn’t hurt. I downloaded a podcast from The Bubble Hour. This one was “Early Recovery”.  It was great quite honestly. Hearing about these other women’s stories and how I truly could relate to them was incredible. They talked a lot about post acute withdrawal symptoms (PAWS) and how to cope with them. One they touched on was insomnia (which I clearly have as I’ve been up since 230 and it’s now 5 as I write this).  Night sweats (also experiencing as I’m blasting my AC on 60 degrees). I remember my last unsuccessful yet closest attempt at quitting drinking when I wasn’t fighting insomnia I was sound asleep, but the vivid nightmares were insane. I would feel my body forcing myself awake only so they would end. I don’t look forward to those again.

So all in all. I think day and night one was manageable. Not great. But manageable. 

addiction, alcohol, experience, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Addiction

I am unsure of how I got to this position in my life.¬† How one day or if it was multiple days built up.¬† I have lost relationships to this disease called addiction and I fear more will be lost if I do not do something.¬† I read quotes by people who said “I would never have reached my full potential if I didn’t get sober.”¬† And I could not relate more to that.¬† I have those thoughts daily.¬† I do believe I will beat this disease, I can envision my life without alcohol.¬† I can see how happy I will be one day when I can say I am, 30 – 60 -90 days sober.¬† I had my 27th birthday last week and I cannot be more determined to make this year better than the last.¬† This will be the year that changes my life.¬† I have started a new career path to build a life for myself and while I know I will one day be successful in it, I feel as though I cannot give it my all because of this disease.¬† Something needs to change and¬†something needs to give before this disease kills me.

addiction, alcohol, experience, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Desire

Well hello sober world! It’s been far too long since I have posted, but I am here. I am not sober (still wanting to be very badly) so as I lay here I start over my sober clock. ūüôā I do believe sometimes people must practice quitting to quit. And I do believe my desire to be sober has been in me for so long it will one of these times stick.

I promise myself to post daily. To read blogs daily. And to truly give this a solid effort. I’m over the time wasted and spent on drinking and being remorseful about drinking then being remorseful about being remorseful (I think you get the picture.)

So to a positive attitude this time instead of writing in a very depressed state of mind as I generally do – here goes nothing!

addiction, alcohol, experience, recovery, sobriety, the middle

I’m Alive.

My head hurts. I just ended a two and half year relationship approximately two hours ago. I’ve been doubtful of the relationship for a bit, but that still doesn’t make it any easier. The thoughts of it had gotten so heavy and intense I actually drowned the sounds in booze and basically stopped working. I have been depressed for about a month now and I decided this weekend it was time to make a change. So here I am. Repairing my destroyed life one issue at a time. I may not be sober. But at least I made a huge move towards sobriety with putting this head mess to rest.

addiction, alcohol, experience, recovery, sobriety, the middle

This is Why

I have caught myself thinking about alcohol a lot today.¬† Each time I go “no, no, no.¬† no more.¬† you have a problem.¬† you are done.¬† stop wasting the space on that crap.”¬† I imagine how easy it would be to just grab some wine, bail on Pilates class, and drink the entire bottle in two hours.¬† Only in turn to wake up in the morning and continue to hate myself and dwell on the fact that I can’t get past all of this.¬† There is this very small linger of hope I look to that says “you will really enjoy sober life.¬† once you find it.¬† you will love it.¬† keep going.”

So with that being said I have decided to sit down and make a list of all the reason I need/want/have to quit drinking.

1) I always regret the amount I drink the morning after, almost every single time.

2) It makes me fat, bloated, and gross.

3) It makes me lazy.  Not only do I not work out, ever Рthe thought of cooking or walking to get something fairly healthy for dinner seems like a ridiculous task so I order expensive/unhealthy food instead.

4) I spend a shit ton РI mean a shit ton of money on booze.  And the expensive food to go with it.

5) I become an overly sensitive, touchy mess with everything.¬† Tone.. Jokes.. Comments.. all of them.¬† Not only that but then I lash out on whoever “offended” me.

6) With #5 comes arguments, tears, and depression.  A lot of all those things.

7) Did I mention it makes me sensitive which leads to arguments and tears?  Ya, it does that.

8) I sleep like crap.¬† I will usually wake up from 2 am to¬†6 am just thinking about “why did I drink so much.¬† I cannot keep living this way” thoughts.

9) When I sleep like crap I then call into work late.  Not great Sauvvy.. Not great.

10) It makes me feel awful and terrible about myself.  In every shape and form.

11) I don’t remember anything. Literally anything. All the talks I’ve had. Concerts I’ve been to. Movies and shows I’ve seen. I don’t remember them.

12) I am not happy with myself because of my drinking problem and I will not ever be genuinely happy if I continue to drink.

Ok.¬† That’s what I have for now, but I would say for¬†5 minutes of typing that is only scratching the surface.

addiction, alcohol, experience, recovery, sobriety, the middle

From Negative to Positive

As I sit here and reflect on the past couple of weeks I have had, one thing stands out the most.  I need to change the way I think and view where I am at in my life.

I am constantly thinking about what I have failed in instead of what I have succeeded in.  I am constantly thinking negatively instead of positively.  So today here it is.  I will move forward with a positive attitude.  I will think about how far I have come at the age of 26 and not what I have not done.

In the words of my fellow bloggers – I will think about what I CAN do – not what I CAN’T do.

addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Noises

So much is happening in my life right now.  Or maybe just in my head Рya, probably just in my head.

I woke up this morning and for the first time ever I thought to myself, “maybe I should try AA this time.¬† I am not sure that I can do this alone.”¬† I have tried to quit drinking countless times and I feel like I have to try something different.¬† I normally do not let people in.¬† I am habitually closed off from “feelings” and asking people for help.¬† As I woke up the first thing I did was message my boyfriend to let him know I need to quit drinking.¬† Also, another huge step for me.¬† I have told him I thought about it, but never that it has to happen.

Which brings me to my next thought.¬† My boyfriend.¬† He is an amazing man – truly.¬† He is a firefighter, has an amazing family with a niece and nephews that he adores and they adore him.¬† However we are not getting along nearly as well as we use to.¬† I feel like we are constantly fighting and bickering and things just aren’t really working.¬† Maybe it’s a rough patch?¬† Maybe it will pass?¬† Or is this the beginning of the end?¬† All of these questions go through my head all day, but at the end of each day I love him so incredibly much I cannot imagine my life without him.¬† But yet, do I love him enough to be forever?

I drink to shut all the noise up in my head.  What will happen when I do not drink and I am forced to listen to all of them?  I am hiding from reality.  Hiding from the truth.  The potential of pain and the agony.

addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Maybe it’s not about the booze?!

I have been so overwhelmed this last week all I have been doing is thinking – this quitting drinking thing is hard!! When suddenly last night I stopped. Is it really the quitting that’s giving me such a hard time?!

Long story short. I moved to Los Angeles when I was 19 years old. Yes it was hard. Yes my parents thought I was crazy. But I made it work. I’ve created a life for myself out here. Fast forward 5 years. I go through a very abrupt and painful break up. I decide that I’m really ready to be back in the Midwest with my family. I see my parents 3-4 times a year and my brother 1-2. So after 5 years of that, it really takes a toll. I’m out one night and I randomly meet a man. That man has now been my boyfriend for over 2 years. So here I am today.

I currently have a full time job which I plan on either leaving or staying at if they will let me part time to pursue a career in real estate. It’s a career move for me so it is something that has to be done one time or another. Well that conversation is happening today. I love my boss. So I am crazy nervous about the conversation as well as when I leave if I don’t stay part time having a cash flow etc. Fortunately I have savings. But it’s still scary.

So is my anxiety and struggle with quitting booze really what’s giving me such a hard time? Yes it’s all been hard but I have found I was drinking so much that I was ignoring all these life decisions that I have in front of me and now that that isn’t an option – I’m being forced to deal with them. Sober.