addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

The Darkness Before the Light

I lay here at the end of day 5 and I can’t help but feel completely shaken by this entire week. Today ties the longest I have gone without a drink in years and I know how difficult the next 48 hours will be. So difficult that the last time I tried to quit, I failed on day 6. I do know that I am in a much different place this time around which I hope and believe will work in my favor.

I also know that at this very moment I don’t feel happy. I feel alone, which is my own fault as I haven’t told anyone yet. I have plenty of friends and a wonderful boyfriend and I can’t help but feel as though I’m all alone. Sitting in a dark room with not even an ounce of light being remotely close to coming in. Is there light after the darkness? Is it truly darkest before the dawn? I don’t know. I don’t have the answers to these questions.

I know that whatever is happening in me right now is intense. I don’t feel like me. I feel like someone else. My positive, fun, energetic attitude has escaped me from day 1. I just want that girl back. I want to be me again.