I knew walking into work today and tackling the day was going to be difficult. The vibe in my office has been quite “off” and today was the day I could feel it would come to a screeching halt. The boozing has officially taken its toll on my day to day life. I have a rolling schedule of my choosing each week and more times than not can I say that I bailed on coming into work just so I could get drunk, home alone… on my couch. So unbelievably pathetic. I would tell them I’d be in and then “a meeting would suddenly come up and I couldn’t make it.” This morning they sat me down and said the non-stability of my schedule was making them question if I should even continue working here. Do I love working here?! No. But, it does help with my bills. And if and when I choose to leave I want it to be my choice and not them choosing to let me go do to being such a flake and not dependable (which the booze is solely to blame for this. As I am generally very dependable.)
I started hiding bottles from my boyfriend who would be disappointed to know I am drinking so much again – even chugging from the bottle when he is not looking. No. I did not make that up. I am so embarrassed and ashamed that I had to write it out in order to read it back to myself so I can reminded of how far this problem has gone. I look to the right side of my computer screen and I have been blogging since February 2014. 14 months I have been battling this (which its actually longer, more like November 2013 is when I acknowledged this problem.) How have I not gotten a hold of this?! So insanely disappointing and frustrating.
I got a lot of feedback from people after my last choice telling me “to change or modify my path to sobriety” because of my failed attempts, I am obviously not doing something right. I got into a 30 kick start to sobriety today. The daily activity was to listen to the podcast 3 times today and to put positive, sober, enthusiastic post-it notes all over my house, car, desk, wherever to be reminded of my sobriety. I have every intention on doing both of those things today. So for the sake of my relationship, work, and health – I pray to God this is the beginning of the end and the start to my recovery journey.
drunk on sauv 