addiction, alcohol, experience, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Just A Piece

Where am I.
This is not the me I use to know.
At some point I took a wrong turn.
The point of that turn is unknown.

My heads a mess and I can’t think straight.
I don’t know how I got here in the first place.
This position we r in was never my intention.
I just started crying and then it happened.

Was it subconscious?
Was it assumptive?
So many questions,
To which I don’t have the answer.

Writing was always an outlet.
But as I sit here, I struggle to type.
The emotions have been blocked for so long.
I think they may even be gone.

Blocking emotions with booze, denial and silence.
Hoping never to acknowledge or feel the pain.
Even blocking the inner words of myself.
These are the things that have led me here today.

addiction, alcohol, experience, recovery, sobriety, the middle

I’m Alive.

My head hurts. I just ended a two and half year relationship approximately two hours ago. I’ve been doubtful of the relationship for a bit, but that still doesn’t make it any easier. The thoughts of it had gotten so heavy and intense I actually drowned the sounds in booze and basically stopped working. I have been depressed for about a month now and I decided this weekend it was time to make a change. So here I am. Repairing my destroyed life one issue at a time. I may not be sober. But at least I made a huge move towards sobriety with putting this head mess to rest.

addiction, alcohol, experience, recovery, sobriety, the middle

This is Why

I have caught myself thinking about alcohol a lot today.  Each time I go “no, no, no.  no more.  you have a problem.  you are done.  stop wasting the space on that crap.”  I imagine how easy it would be to just grab some wine, bail on Pilates class, and drink the entire bottle in two hours.  Only in turn to wake up in the morning and continue to hate myself and dwell on the fact that I can’t get past all of this.  There is this very small linger of hope I look to that says “you will really enjoy sober life.  once you find it.  you will love it.  keep going.”

So with that being said I have decided to sit down and make a list of all the reason I need/want/have to quit drinking.

1) I always regret the amount I drink the morning after, almost every single time.

2) It makes me fat, bloated, and gross.

3) It makes me lazy.  Not only do I not work out, ever – the thought of cooking or walking to get something fairly healthy for dinner seems like a ridiculous task so I order expensive/unhealthy food instead.

4) I spend a shit ton – I mean a shit ton of money on booze.  And the expensive food to go with it.

5) I become an overly sensitive, touchy mess with everything.  Tone.. Jokes.. Comments.. all of them.  Not only that but then I lash out on whoever “offended” me.

6) With #5 comes arguments, tears, and depression.  A lot of all those things.

7) Did I mention it makes me sensitive which leads to arguments and tears?  Ya, it does that.

8) I sleep like crap.  I will usually wake up from 2 am to 6 am just thinking about “why did I drink so much.  I cannot keep living this way” thoughts.

9) When I sleep like crap I then call into work late.  Not great Sauvvy.. Not great.

10) It makes me feel awful and terrible about myself.  In every shape and form.

11) I don’t remember anything. Literally anything. All the talks I’ve had. Concerts I’ve been to. Movies and shows I’ve seen. I don’t remember them.

12) I am not happy with myself because of my drinking problem and I will not ever be genuinely happy if I continue to drink.

Ok.  That’s what I have for now, but I would say for 5 minutes of typing that is only scratching the surface.

addiction, alcohol, experience, recovery, sobriety, the middle

From Negative to Positive

As I sit here and reflect on the past couple of weeks I have had, one thing stands out the most.  I need to change the way I think and view where I am at in my life.

I am constantly thinking about what I have failed in instead of what I have succeeded in.  I am constantly thinking negatively instead of positively.  So today here it is.  I will move forward with a positive attitude.  I will think about how far I have come at the age of 26 and not what I have not done.

In the words of my fellow bloggers – I will think about what I CAN do – not what I CAN’T do.

addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Maybe it’s not about the booze?!

I have been so overwhelmed this last week all I have been doing is thinking – this quitting drinking thing is hard!! When suddenly last night I stopped. Is it really the quitting that’s giving me such a hard time?!

Long story short. I moved to Los Angeles when I was 19 years old. Yes it was hard. Yes my parents thought I was crazy. But I made it work. I’ve created a life for myself out here. Fast forward 5 years. I go through a very abrupt and painful break up. I decide that I’m really ready to be back in the Midwest with my family. I see my parents 3-4 times a year and my brother 1-2. So after 5 years of that, it really takes a toll. I’m out one night and I randomly meet a man. That man has now been my boyfriend for over 2 years. So here I am today.

I currently have a full time job which I plan on either leaving or staying at if they will let me part time to pursue a career in real estate. It’s a career move for me so it is something that has to be done one time or another. Well that conversation is happening today. I love my boss. So I am crazy nervous about the conversation as well as when I leave if I don’t stay part time having a cash flow etc. Fortunately I have savings. But it’s still scary.

So is my anxiety and struggle with quitting booze really what’s giving me such a hard time? Yes it’s all been hard but I have found I was drinking so much that I was ignoring all these life decisions that I have in front of me and now that that isn’t an option – I’m being forced to deal with them. Sober.

addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Undecided

As I sit here on my last single digit day sober, I feel lost.  I feel like all emotions have left me and all I am is a body sitting at my desk with no feeling of anything.  This whole journey is already exhausting and I am only 9 days in.  Even to sit here and gather my thoughts to blog feels like a task in itself.

This go around at quitting I do notice a huge difference between the last time I tried.  I am no longer thinking about “oh my what will I do on Halloween?  What will I do when my dad visits?”  I am only worried about today.  I have separated myself from all gatherings, however.  Which I have mixed feelings about.  I spent all last weekend horizontal on my couch for fear I would relapse (ugh hate that word.)  I was invited to a few gatherings for next weekend and again kept it up in the air so I could either go or not go depending on how I feel.

I know two things at this point.  1) Not going out is going to drive me CRAZY.  Being on the couch or alone all weekend, I will go nuts!  I am a social butterfly (yes it always revolved around alcohol).  2) I am unsure if I trust myself to the point of going out and saying no to alcohol.  I read my blog posts back from February and when I began drinking again I wrote, “I should have not been making plans right now.  I should have kept to myself with my boyfriend until I had some more time under my belt” or something like that.  So that is ringing pretty loudly in my ears as all these “plans” are happening.

So all in all… as my last single digit day… I feel just blah.

addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Weekend End.

I sit here and am looking back at the weekend that has passed. I had some positivity and some hesitation as of Friday. All in all – the feelings still carried over to the weekend.

Saturday my boyfriend was off work which was lovely and we had a business/personal lunch thing to attend. That was also great. We debated going to meet with friends after. He said he was tired – I said I didn’t want to drink. So we came home for the rest of the day. Found the show The Strain (it’s great and addicting if u haven’t seen it. However you have to like the walking dead-ish type shows, it’s quite gruesome) and watched 5 episodes of that. By the end of the day – Saturday was good! Didn’t contemplate drinking too much which was a nice change of pace especially for a Saturday.

Now onto Sunday. Sunday was a different story. I woke up early and kept busy: did laundry, unpacked, cleaned, things were going good. Then I ended my chores. Wanting to drink hit me like a ton of bricks. I stood up at least 2-3 times convinced I could have some wine. As I stepped into the kitchen. I stopped. Made tea and sat back down. I didn’t do it, but boy did I want to. Some people would probably feel happy – proud even. I didn’t and I still don’t. I feel sad and bummed out. All I wanted was wine and I can’t have it.

addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

A Little Up – A Little Down

As the I sit here on Friday – my day 4 I remember where I was the last time I was semi successful at abstaining from alcohol (a total of 15 days.)  I wrote a post about how terrified I was that the weekend was coming.  I could not even begin to imagine how I could get through 2 days completely sober and I was an emotional, nervous wreck.

Well, I can happily say that at this go around, I feel much more comfortable with the weekend coming.  One of my good girlfriends knows that something is up with me as I bailed on a birthday party already this weekend so she nicely invited me over for wine.  As it was typed into my phone “oh well I am actually taking a break from drinking, but I will come see you and chat!” I stopped.  No.  That will not be the outcome.  Not with her or anyone for that matter at this point.  Her and I have spent a ridiculous amount of time drinking/drunk together.  Way more time than sober that’s for sure.  So even me putting out there that I will not drink – I will.  Or at-least be tempted and I am not ready for that reality and that internal struggle.

I feel a little in between today.  I feel good with my progression and my ability to acknowledge the potential issue if I were to go.  However, not so good that I know I will have to quarantine myself in the coming weeks to get some time under my belt and to come to terms with all of this change happening in my life.