addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Two Different People… Day 4

Even though this is not a new feeling to becoming sober it is a feeling I wish to express on Day 4.  It runs along the lines of yesterdays post about excuses.  I just cannot wrap my head around how I feel in the morning compared to how I feel at 6 pm.  I am sure it is nothing short of a bad habit that I have just become accustomed to.  In the morning I feel so happy and good that I did not drink the night before, like, “BRING IT ON DAY 4!!!” And and then the evening hits – BAM!  Like a ton of bricks.  “MMmMmMmmMm wiiineeeee!!!!”  I know what is better for me yet I have that tiny little devil perched on my left shoulder saying – “DOOO ITTT!”  I always regret drinking in the mornings and always, every single time say, “gosh drunky, why did you do that.”  

I think a part of me is still in denial about all this.  That I – at the age of 25 am going through this.  I just kept telling myself over the past couple years, “most people drink away their twenties!!!  Whats the big deal!!!”  Well me getting drunk by myself on a Saturday in my apartment is not what most people were or are probably doing.  

There is a reason I was drinking that much, if not for solely the addiction, but for more emotional reasons.  I was extremely unhappy with the way I was living my life and drank to forget about that.  My insecurity levels are through the roof as my last relationship fell apart in one day quickly before my very eyes so I was drinking to forget about that.  I do not feel good about my body so I was drinking to forget about that. Vicious cycle really.  All alcohol was doing was making me feel worse about myself, not to mention making me fatter and numbing the pain an issues I have while keeping my life at a stand still.  

I know all this.  I acknowledge all this.  Yet there is that damn little devil.  I hate that little devil.