Remorse

So per usual.  I sit here after falling off the wagon and I feel absolutely terrible.  I waste away my entire day remorseful and regretting the decision I made the night before to drink.  I feel sluggish.  Fat.  Awful.  Any word really to describe an individual which is not positive.  I feel awful about myself.  I am bloated, hating how my body looks and I know I can look better.  Yet I still make the nightly decision to drink, and then the drinking leads to over eating and eating things so bad for me I would never imagine eating them sober.  I realize that if I changed my nightly habit that the next day would feel tremendously better.  I know the weight wont fall off in one day (even though I really wish it would!!!)  But at least it would begin the process.  Instead of feeling good about myself I just wither away in insecurity and self pity.  It is quite depressing really.  I believe that that is why I drink, come to think of it.  I drink to forget about all the negative thoughts I have during the day – only to lead me to the next day of negative thoughts – and back again.  So instead of dealing with the pain and agony I simply shut it up for a few hours with alcohol.  Makes no damn sense.  And I know that.  It is just a matter of doing something about it – and that is my current struggle. 

Two Different People… Day 4

Even though this is not a new feeling to becoming sober it is a feeling I wish to express on Day 4.  It runs along the lines of yesterdays post about excuses.  I just cannot wrap my head around how I feel in the morning compared to how I feel at 6 pm.  I am sure it is nothing short of a bad habit that I have just become accustomed to.  In the morning I feel so happy and good that I did not drink the night before, like, “BRING IT ON DAY 4!!!” And and then the evening hits – BAM!  Like a ton of bricks.  “MMmMmMmmMm wiiineeeee!!!!”  I know what is better for me yet I have that tiny little devil perched on my left shoulder saying – “DOOO ITTT!”  I always regret drinking in the mornings and always, every single time say, “gosh drunky, why did you do that.”  

I think a part of me is still in denial about all this.  That I – at the age of 25 am going through this.  I just kept telling myself over the past couple years, “most people drink away their twenties!!!  Whats the big deal!!!”  Well me getting drunk by myself on a Saturday in my apartment is not what most people were or are probably doing.  

There is a reason I was drinking that much, if not for solely the addiction, but for more emotional reasons.  I was extremely unhappy with the way I was living my life and drank to forget about that.  My insecurity levels are through the roof as my last relationship fell apart in one day quickly before my very eyes so I was drinking to forget about that.  I do not feel good about my body so I was drinking to forget about that. Vicious cycle really.  All alcohol was doing was making me feel worse about myself, not to mention making me fatter and numbing the pain an issues I have while keeping my life at a stand still.  

I know all this.  I acknowledge all this.  Yet there is that damn little devil.  I hate that little devil.