I am in aw. I have not opened or looked at this account in 4+ years. I hope you all have been well and a lot of honesty is going to come from this post. I have not stopped drinking. I actually should have died a year ago after being taken to the ER with a .6 something alcohol level, March 7th 2018 to be exact. Eesh that pill is still hard for me to swallow. Went to out patient rehab. I went in with the mental thought of “forever” which utterly terrified me. How does one accept in early stages to not think of forever? But just for now? And hold true to that day in and day out. I knew I wouldn’t make it. I honestly was like, I got this. This all makes a bit more sense to me. I got this. I was clearly sadly wrong. While I’m not binging away for days on end (no longer Sauvignon blanc mind you. I’ve thus converted to vodka and spiked sparkling water). I’m still not living my full life. How does one counter this demon in ones head of “it’s ok. Just don’t drink 8 vodkas and you’ll be fine”.
I know I need to change. I can whole heartedly say that I cannot continue living this way. It’s my escape for the boredom and loneliness and to make the time absently pass, because I am in fact alone. I’ve contacted a therapist to meet for some unresolved issues I even talked about in this blog 4 years ago. I’ve considered short term disability or FMLA to fight this. I guess I just don’t know where to start now that I feel I’m so far gone. I’ve opened up a lot the past two weeks to my family about unresolved issues I was protecting them from. And working my way out of a failed relationship. These things are clearly proving to be triggers for me. Necessary though? I needed to let out things from my past I was hiding. I needed to end a failed relationship. It’s just so much at once. I’m feeling very overwhelmed and my family is concerned. Which. I don’t blame them. Based on how bad of a situation I was in last year. I definitely dont blame them.
So that’s my update. I thank all who have read this. Hopefully I can find my way back to where I need to be.
I read a blog yesterday that gave multiple things you realize within the first 30 days of sobriety. One of them stuck with me immediately, “this is not the worst thing that could happen to you.” I sat and thought… hm. That is a great point.
Fast forward to this morning and like every Thursday I call my dad to chat about our weeks and weekend plans and then he says, “well. I am keeping your brother and sister in law in my prayers today.” Uh… What?! I have not heard anything so I am immediately caught off guard. My sister in law is 30 weeks pregnant with twins, a boy and a girl, and there is potentially an issue with her pregnancy, the results will be out later today, but if the results are not in their favor she will be admitted into the hospital tomorrow and likely be giving birth early. At 30 weeks the babies are of size to survive, but I cannot help but feel for them and just imagine how scared they might be or what they might be feeling.
That blog was absolutely correct, “this is not the worst thing that could happen to you.”
As I think back to the day yesterday I can happily say I craved cheesecake more than I craved wine!!! Mind you – I ALWAYS had something to drink by my side. I went through 3 liters of lime Perrier sparkling water just to be sure at no time was I left with the thought – “what do I want to drink? I’m bored, do I want to get wine?” I think for me – that will be the key.
I depended so much on wine at nights and on weekends because I drink 3-4 liters of regular water at work the last thing I wanted was more fucking water when I got home. Well last month when I tried to cut back on drinking during the week my boyfriend was very good about buying me other things to divert me from drinking wine. And then there it was – Pellegrino and lime Perrier. To what I now see as my saving grace. As I sit here I only have 1 liter left so yes I’ll have to make a trip to the store – but for once – buying wine is not on my mind. And that, is a great feeling. I have spent basically this entire week by myself and I know that if I can get through this weekend, being alone at home, on my couch, and not drink. That I will be ok and I will get through this. I made it through yesterday – no doubt it in my mind I will make it through today. Which will be Day 7 by the way!!!!!!! Bet your ass I’m still counting lol. (I look forward to the day that I don’t know the exact number of days I’ve been sober so I have to look at my sober clock though!!)
I am still extremely nervous to mention it to anyone. For fear of “relapsing” (I hate that word….. Maybe….. Having a slight mishap? I don’t know. Ill paw on that one.). But I know I must say something to someone. To have support at home and when I decide to get back into my social life – only booze free. I opted into Belle’s 100 day challenge, and I must be honest. I still can’t fathom 100 days sober!!!!!! Not the least bit. So for me. One day at a time will have to do.