5 Years Since This Account

Hello World,

I am in aw. I have not opened or looked at this account in 4+ years. I hope you all have been well and a lot of honesty is going to come from this post. I have not stopped drinking. I actually should have died a year ago after being taken to the ER with an obsene alcohol level, March 7th 2018 to be exact. Eesh that pill is still hard for me to swallow. Went to out patient rehab. I went in with the mental thought of “forever” which utterly terrified me. How does one accept in early stages to not think of forever? But just for now? And hold true to that day in and day out. I knew I wouldn’t make it. I honestly was like, I got this. This all makes a bit more sense to me. I got this. I was clearly sadly wrong. While I’m not binging away for days on end (no longer Sauvignon blanc mind you. I’ve thus converted to vodka and spiked sparkling water). I’m still not living my full life. How does one counter this demon in ones head of “it’s ok. Just don’t drink 8 vodkas and you’ll be fine”.

I know I need to change. I can whole heartedly say that I cannot continue living this way. It’s my escape for the boredom and loneliness and to make the time absently pass, because I am in fact alone. I’ve contacted a therapist to meet for some unresolved issues I even talked about in this blog 4 years ago. I’ve considered short term disability or FMLA to fight this. I guess I just don’t know where to start now that I feel I’m so far gone. I’ve opened up a lot the past two weeks to my family about unresolved issues I was protecting them from. And working my way out of a failed relationship. These things are clearly proving to be triggers for me. Necessary though? I needed to let out things from my past I was hiding. I needed to end a failed relationship. It’s just so much at once. I’m feeling very overwhelmed and my family is concerned. Which. I don’t blame them. Based on how bad of a situation I was in last year. I definitely dont blame them.

So that’s my update. I thank all who have read this. Hopefully I can find my way back to where I need to be.

Xo

Help with Life and Sobriety

I feel like everytime I come here to write about something it’s always about how “terrible” or how “bad” my life is.  That really makes me quite sad looking back on it because – my life isn’t bad. My life isn’t terrible. My first niece and nephew arrived this past Saturday and it reminded me how beautiful life truly is. I’ve never been one who wanted kids, but seeing them come into this world was truly wonderful. How is it that this substance and this addiction can make me feel so incredibly different about my life. I am not happy with this addiction, obviously. Who is?!  It’s making me hate myself and in all honesty has actually been progressively getting worse. To the point where everyday I wake up feeling like I am slowly killing myself day by day. 

Today is the day I ask for help. I am going to research therapists. I have always wanted to speak to a therapist and I actually think having someone to talk to and help me clean up the bullshit in my life would help me get on the right track to sobriety. I am inexperienced in this part so who has any tips on choosing a therapist and is this something generally covered by medical insurance?  Any help would be greatly appreciated. 🙂

The Beginning of the End

I knew walking into work today and tackling the day was going to be difficult.  The vibe in my office has been quite “off” and today was the day I could feel it would come to a screeching halt.  The boozing has officially taken its toll on my day to day life.  I have a rolling schedule of my choosing each week and more times than not can I say that I bailed on coming into work just so I could get drunk, home alone… on my couch.  So unbelievably pathetic.  I would tell them I’d be in and then “a meeting would suddenly come up and I couldn’t make it.”  This morning they sat me down and said the non-stability of my schedule was making them question if I should even continue working here.  Do I love working here?!  No.  But, it does help with my bills.  And if and when I choose to leave I want it to be my choice and not them choosing to let me go do to being such a flake and not dependable (which the booze is solely to blame for this.  As I am generally very dependable.)

I started hiding bottles from my boyfriend who would be disappointed to know I am drinking so much again – even chugging from the bottle when he is not looking.  No.  I did not make that up.  I am so embarrassed and ashamed that I had to write it out in order to read it back to myself so I can reminded of how far this problem has gone.  I look to the right side of my computer screen and I have been blogging since February 2014.  14 months I have been battling this (which its actually longer, more like November 2013 is when I acknowledged this problem.)  How have I not gotten a hold of this?!  So insanely disappointing and frustrating.

I got a lot of feedback from people after my last choice telling me “to change or modify my path to sobriety” because of my failed attempts, I am obviously not doing something right.  I got into a 30 kick start to sobriety today.  The daily activity was to listen to the podcast 3 times today and to put positive, sober, enthusiastic post-it notes all over my house, car, desk, wherever to be reminded of my sobriety.  I have every intention on doing both of those things today.  So for the sake of my relationship, work, and health – I pray to God this is the beginning of the end and the start to my recovery journey.

Sober Day

This is what the last day feels like. Today will be my last-first sober day. Here’s to not having another day one.

Just A Piece

Where am I.
This is not the me I use to know.
At some point I took a wrong turn.
The point of that turn is unknown.

My heads a mess and I can’t think straight.
I don’t know how I got here in the first place.
This position we r in was never my intention.
I just started crying and then it happened.

Was it subconscious?
Was it assumptive?
So many questions,
To which I don’t have the answer.

Writing was always an outlet.
But as I sit here, I struggle to type.
The emotions have been blocked for so long.
I think they may even be gone.

Blocking emotions with booze, denial and silence.
Hoping never to acknowledge or feel the pain.
Even blocking the inner words of myself.
These are the things that have led me here today.

Anyone Else?

Feel extremely irritable during the early stages of sobriety?! I’m snappy as can be today

Still Sick

I am sitting here at 1:30 pm and I STILL feel awful after the weekend I have just had.  Been awake since 430 this morning just staring at the ceiling, finally about to go back to sleep and then SHAKE SHAKE the LA earthquake jolts me up.  Simply Awful.  I hurt my foot as well this weekend, how you ask?!  I have NO idea.  As I cannot remember.  If that doesn’t tell you about my weekend – I don’t know what will.  

I have learned over the past couple of weeks that “plans” are not something I should be doing right now.  I should have surrounded myself with my boyfriend and best friend and only them.  I should have not gotten so far away from my blog and all you wonderful people that got me through those 15 days.  I got distracted… lost my balance.  I am ready to get that back.  I am mentally ready for recovery (I saw that now, but I am still hungover).

Chaos

Im sick. I’m tired. Im fed up. I hate feeling this way. Day 1. St Patricks day. How poetic. Today needs to be it. The first day. I must be done.

The Darkness Before the Light

I lay here at the end of day 5 and I can’t help but feel completely shaken by this entire week. Today ties the longest I have gone without a drink in years and I know how difficult the next 48 hours will be. So difficult that the last time I tried to quit, I failed on day 6. I do know that I am in a much different place this time around which I hope and believe will work in my favor.

I also know that at this very moment I don’t feel happy. I feel alone, which is my own fault as I haven’t told anyone yet. I have plenty of friends and a wonderful boyfriend and I can’t help but feel as though I’m all alone. Sitting in a dark room with not even an ounce of light being remotely close to coming in. Is there light after the darkness? Is it truly darkest before the dawn? I don’t know. I don’t have the answers to these questions.

I know that whatever is happening in me right now is intense. I don’t feel like me. I feel like someone else. My positive, fun, energetic attitude has escaped me from day 1. I just want that girl back. I want to be me again.