addiction, alcohol, experience, recovery, sobriety, the middle

5 Years Since This Account

Hello World,

I am in aw. I have not opened or looked at this account in 4+ years. I hope you all have been well and a lot of honesty is going to come from this post. I have not stopped drinking. I actually should have died a year ago after being taken to the ER with an obsene alcohol level, March 7th 2018 to be exact. Eesh that pill is still hard for me to swallow. Went to out patient rehab. I went in with the mental thought of “forever” which utterly terrified me. How does one accept in early stages to not think of forever? But just for now? And hold true to that day in and day out. I knew I wouldn’t make it. I honestly was like, I got this. This all makes a bit more sense to me. I got this. I was clearly sadly wrong. While I’m not binging away for days on end (no longer Sauvignon blanc mind you. I’ve thus converted to vodka and spiked sparkling water). I’m still not living my full life. How does one counter this demon in ones head of “it’s ok. Just don’t drink 8 vodkas and you’ll be fine”.

I know I need to change. I can whole heartedly say that I cannot continue living this way. It’s my escape for the boredom and loneliness and to make the time absently pass, because I am in fact alone. I’ve contacted a therapist to meet for some unresolved issues I even talked about in this blog 4 years ago. I’ve considered short term disability or FMLA to fight this. I guess I just don’t know where to start now that I feel I’m so far gone. I’ve opened up a lot the past two weeks to my family about unresolved issues I was protecting them from. And working my way out of a failed relationship. These things are clearly proving to be triggers for me. Necessary though? I needed to let out things from my past I was hiding. I needed to end a failed relationship. It’s just so much at once. I’m feeling very overwhelmed and my family is concerned. Which. I don’t blame them. Based on how bad of a situation I was in last year. I definitely dont blame them.

So that’s my update. I thank all who have read this. Hopefully I can find my way back to where I need to be.

Xo

addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Day 2

Hello Blog-isphere.

Today is Day 2 of what I hope to be my road to recovery from a very LONG and exhausting battle with alcohol.  It’s been about 4 years of heavy drinking.  Started with about 2 bottles a night as I finally got out of a toxic and tumultuous relationship and has since come down to about 3-4 glasses a night which is now my norm during the week.  The weekends however, wow, another level.

I am unsure of what came over me this past November, but that is when I finally had a… “omg something has to be done. I can’t continue to live life this way” moment.  I contemplated living 2014 sober.. sadly was not the case as you can see.  Going into 2014 I was trying out only “Social” drinking for a couple weeks.  So no drinking at home/alone and only during outing with friends.  Went about 6 days of no alcohol which is a MILESTONE in the past 4 years of my life.  However that “only social” drinking lasted all of about two-three weeks.  I am back up to drinking about 5-6 days. I do not have that, “only stop after one” mentality that most people have so sadly even social drinking brought me back to my unhealthy habits.

This past weekend of getting drunk alone at home because “I was bored” I woke up on Monday wanting to be completely done. I laid in bed wide awake from 2-6 am just coming down from my drunkeness and did nothing but google “quit drinking” and read articles, and blog after blog of women who were are one point in a similar situation as I was in. One particular caught my eye – a blogger by the name – Unpickled. After reading almost every one of her blogs that morning – here I am! Wanting so badly to change and hoping that writing and seeking the help of others will get me through what at this time- seems to be impossible!