addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Still Sick

I am sitting here at 1:30 pm and I STILL feel awful after the weekend I have just had.  Been awake since 430 this morning just staring at the ceiling, finally about to go back to sleep and then SHAKE SHAKE the LA earthquake jolts me up.  Simply Awful.  I hurt my foot as well this weekend, how you ask?!  I have NO idea.  As I cannot remember.  If that doesn’t tell you about my weekend – I don’t know what will.  

I have learned over the past couple of weeks that “plans” are not something I should be doing right now.  I should have surrounded myself with my boyfriend and best friend and only them.  I should have not gotten so far away from my blog and all you wonderful people that got me through those 15 days.  I got distracted… lost my balance.  I am ready to get that back.  I am mentally ready for recovery (I saw that now, but I am still hungover).

addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

No Days

So if you didn’t catch my last post then here it is in a snippet – “I drank.”  Yup, that’s it.  After I posted that blog I had multiple people who are also early on in this recovery ask me, “do you know why? what happened?” etc. type of things.  It wasn’t until early this morning, 3 am to 6 am to be exact, that I laid awake in bed asking myself that very same question.  And then it dawned on me… It came down to the fact that last week – the first drink I took in almost 3 weeks was to “take out the anxiety of the weekend to come.”  I had brunch plans, day plans, more brunch plans, etc. this past weekend.  My friends asking me why I wasn’t drinking.. ordering drinks for me… potentially drinking… all of it was giving me anxiety.  I didn’t know what to do.  

So – I bailed out.  I had two glasses of wine by myself on Thursday evening because I already knew I wouldn’t make it through the weekend.  I was so concerned with their opinion of me and me not being able to say no to drinking that I sabotaged my own sobriety.  WOW.  Think about that one for a second.  ROUGH.  I was doing – SO WELL.  I felt great.  I was happier at work.  Looked better.  Slept better.  I know all this.  And yet I DRANK.  Out of “anxiety – and not being able to handle” saying no or other peoples thoughts on me saying no.  So here I am.  On No Days.  That one Thursday has trickled into me drinking everyday for the past week.   😦  Onward March Sauvvy… Onward March.  

addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Weak in the Knees

So today is not a good day.  Not a good day for that little devil – or as some refer to her “Wolfie”.  She is harping hard at me today and in my head I hate that I have put myself in this situation.  Some days are significantly easier than others and today is not one of those days.  I think about how bad of a day it has been and how amazing a glass or bottle or whatever would be when I get home.  Maybe it’s because I got into an argument last night and still feeling uncertain if its resolved completely I wish I could drink to forget about what had happened.  I know that this is what wine does to me and while writing right now I again realize that I use wine as a scapegoat.  I use wine to get away from how I feel in order to bury it, push it aside, and not deal with it.  This is not a good idea, yes I know.  And no I will not drink.  I will face going home – sober – ugh.  As awful as that sounds right now.  Don’t really have anything else to say today… other than… I WANT WINE!

addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

WOW. ONE WEEK.

I would just like to start off by saying THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone who has left kind words of motivation and advice on my blog or via email.  I am in the same position as a lot of you with just starting out and communication with you while we are going through this together has been a life saver.  As well as those of you who have gone through this and know what I am going through and giving me words of encouragement – you all are incredibly amazing!  I truly do not believe I would be on day 8 without you guys and without this blog!  OK… sappy sappy over here.  Sorry about that!  🙂

SO! After a long, exhausting, and emotional roller coaster of a week, I made it!  I made it through.  Did I have a mini break down?!  YES!  Good lord Friday was rough.  I got a text from my friend asking me to go out.. I said no of course to concentrate on myself for the weekend and what was her response “oh come on!  alcohol will help!!”  ugh.  Sadly no – it will not.  

I did realize that I was harvesting a lot of hurt and pain which I had clearly had been avoiding for years.  I was so concerned with “not feeling” I have been damn near drunk everyday in order to not deal with things for the past 4 years.  And boy did they come running back – and fast.  BUT!  On a positive note… I am here.  I am on day 8 and I could not be more excited about that!  I finally told my best friend after the long week (whom I cannot hide ANYTHING from anyways and he already knew something was up.)  And he was nothing but supportive.  He knows that it has been a long journey for me and alcohol and he couldn’t be more positive and there for me.  His response “OH THAT’S GREAT!!!  You know how I love sober nights in ;)”  hehehehe.  Today is the day I will tell my boyfriend who I assume will have an equally positive reaction.  🙂  I have read multiple times that the first week is the hardest – and while I cannot attest to this as I am only beginning week 2, I can only hope that is true.  I wish to not relive last week for the life of me, hahahaha.

 

addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Weekends

As I think back to the day yesterday I can happily say I craved cheesecake more than I craved wine!!! Mind you – I ALWAYS had something to drink by my side. I went through 3 liters of lime Perrier sparkling water just to be sure at no time was I left with the thought – “what do I want to drink? I’m bored, do I want to get wine?” I think for me – that will be the key.

I depended so much on wine at nights and on weekends because I drink 3-4 liters of regular water at work the last thing I wanted was more fucking water when I got home. Well last month when I tried to cut back on drinking during the week my boyfriend was very good about buying me other things to divert me from drinking wine. And then there it was – Pellegrino and lime Perrier. To what I now see as my saving grace. As I sit here I only have 1 liter left so yes I’ll have to make a trip to the store – but for once – buying wine is not on my mind. And that, is a great feeling. I have spent basically this entire week by myself and I know that if I can get through this weekend, being alone at home, on my couch, and not drink. That I will be ok and I will get through this. I made it through yesterday – no doubt it in my mind I will make it through today. Which will be Day 7 by the way!!!!!!! Bet your ass I’m still counting lol. (I look forward to the day that I don’t know the exact number of days I’ve been sober so I have to look at my sober clock though!!)

I am still extremely nervous to mention it to anyone. For fear of “relapsing” (I hate that word….. Maybe….. Having a slight mishap? I don’t know. Ill paw on that one.). But I know I must say something to someone. To have support at home and when I decide to get back into my social life – only booze free. I opted into Belle’s 100 day challenge, and I must be honest. I still can’t fathom 100 days sober!!!!!! Not the least bit. So for me. One day at a time will have to do.

addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Gravity

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
I’ll still feel you here ’til the moment I’m gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

[CHORUS:]
Set me free,
Leave me be.
I don’t wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.

Oh, you loved me ’cause I’m fragile
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone.

[CHORUS]

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you’re everything I think I need here on the ground.

But you’re neither friend nor foe
Though I can’t seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down.

You’re keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
You’re on to me, on to me, and all over…

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

The Darkness Before the Light

I lay here at the end of day 5 and I can’t help but feel completely shaken by this entire week. Today ties the longest I have gone without a drink in years and I know how difficult the next 48 hours will be. So difficult that the last time I tried to quit, I failed on day 6. I do know that I am in a much different place this time around which I hope and believe will work in my favor.

I also know that at this very moment I don’t feel happy. I feel alone, which is my own fault as I haven’t told anyone yet. I have plenty of friends and a wonderful boyfriend and I can’t help but feel as though I’m all alone. Sitting in a dark room with not even an ounce of light being remotely close to coming in. Is there light after the darkness? Is it truly darkest before the dawn? I don’t know. I don’t have the answers to these questions.

I know that whatever is happening in me right now is intense. I don’t feel like me. I feel like someone else. My positive, fun, energetic attitude has escaped me from day 1. I just want that girl back. I want to be me again.

addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Worries of the Weekend

As the weekend fast approaches I cannot help but feel so incredibly concerned for the obstacle that lies a head of me.  I have not spent and entire weekend sober in over 4 years.  Being an extremely social person I am always at brunches, dinners, bars, games, absolutely anything to get me out of the house.  And when I am not in the house I waste away my days enjoying movies and a glass of champagne or Sauv.  And by glass I mean one, two, or even three bottles throughout the entire day.  It is how I would pass my time and generally would spend Friday until late Sunday if not just drunk completely smashed.  My motto of “I Work to Live not Live to Work” rings in the back of my head which is why I would always be so occupied on the weekends.  

During the week has felt a lot easier to not a glass or bottle at night as being in Los Angeles I have a 12 hour day with traffic and work.  So being home only 3 hours before bed is just a fraction of the time I have to mentally not let myself go to the liquor store for a bottle.  Seeing as it will be a full 48 hours of my own time to say no… I am pretty worried.