I am unsure of how I got to this position in my life. How one day or if it was multiple days built up. I have lost relationships to this disease called addiction and I fear more will be lost if I do not do something. I read quotes by people who said “I would never have reached my full potential if I didn’t get sober.” And I could not relate more to that. I have those thoughts daily. I do believe I will beat this disease, I can envision my life without alcohol. I can see how happy I will be one day when I can say I am, 30 – 60 -90 days sober. I had my 27th birthday last week and I cannot be more determined to make this year better than the last. This will be the year that changes my life. I have started a new career path to build a life for myself and while I know I will one day be successful in it, I feel as though I cannot give it my all because of this disease. Something needs to change and something needs to give before this disease kills me.
I lay here at the end of day 5 and I can’t help but feel completely shaken by this entire week. Today ties the longest I have gone without a drink in years and I know how difficult the next 48 hours will be. So difficult that the last time I tried to quit, I failed on day 6. I do know that I am in a much different place this time around which I hope and believe will work in my favor.
I also know that at this very moment I don’t feel happy. I feel alone, which is my own fault as I haven’t told anyone yet. I have plenty of friends and a wonderful boyfriend and I can’t help but feel as though I’m all alone. Sitting in a dark room with not even an ounce of light being remotely close to coming in. Is there light after the darkness? Is it truly darkest before the dawn? I don’t know. I don’t have the answers to these questions.
I know that whatever is happening in me right now is intense. I don’t feel like me. I feel like someone else. My positive, fun, energetic attitude has escaped me from day 1. I just want that girl back. I want to be me again.