addiction, alcohol, experience, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Night One

So it went as to be expected I think. With my anxiety on full gears all day I knew that when I got home Id have to do something out of my norm to relax. Walked in my house door, made a cup of green tea, grabbed my recovery book, High: A Party Girls Guide to Peace, and crawled into bed. Somehow when I’m in bed I don’t think about drinking so much so it was nice to turn my brain off for a bit. 

Three cups of tea and 60 pages later I decided to add a new method to my recovery. I figured what I had tried in the past never fully worked so adding in new “tools” couldn’t hurt. I downloaded a podcast from The Bubble Hour. This one was “Early Recovery”.  It was great quite honestly. Hearing about these other women’s stories and how I truly could relate to them was incredible. They talked a lot about post acute withdrawal symptoms (PAWS) and how to cope with them. One they touched on was insomnia (which I clearly have as I’ve been up since 230 and it’s now 5 as I write this).  Night sweats (also experiencing as I’m blasting my AC on 60 degrees). I remember my last unsuccessful yet closest attempt at quitting drinking when I wasn’t fighting insomnia I was sound asleep, but the vivid nightmares were insane. I would feel my body forcing myself awake only so they would end. I don’t look forward to those again.

So all in all. I think day and night one was manageable. Not great. But manageable. 

addiction, alcohol, experience, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Desire

Well hello sober world! It’s been far too long since I have posted, but I am here. I am not sober (still wanting to be very badly) so as I lay here I start over my sober clock. 🙂 I do believe sometimes people must practice quitting to quit. And I do believe my desire to be sober has been in me for so long it will one of these times stick.

I promise myself to post daily. To read blogs daily. And to truly give this a solid effort. I’m over the time wasted and spent on drinking and being remorseful about drinking then being remorseful about being remorseful (I think you get the picture.)

So to a positive attitude this time instead of writing in a very depressed state of mind as I generally do – here goes nothing!

addiction, alcohol, experience, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Just A Piece

Where am I.
This is not the me I use to know.
At some point I took a wrong turn.
The point of that turn is unknown.

My heads a mess and I can’t think straight.
I don’t know how I got here in the first place.
This position we r in was never my intention.
I just started crying and then it happened.

Was it subconscious?
Was it assumptive?
So many questions,
To which I don’t have the answer.

Writing was always an outlet.
But as I sit here, I struggle to type.
The emotions have been blocked for so long.
I think they may even be gone.

Blocking emotions with booze, denial and silence.
Hoping never to acknowledge or feel the pain.
Even blocking the inner words of myself.
These are the things that have led me here today.

addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Undecided

As I sit here on my last single digit day sober, I feel lost.  I feel like all emotions have left me and all I am is a body sitting at my desk with no feeling of anything.  This whole journey is already exhausting and I am only 9 days in.  Even to sit here and gather my thoughts to blog feels like a task in itself.

This go around at quitting I do notice a huge difference between the last time I tried.  I am no longer thinking about “oh my what will I do on Halloween?  What will I do when my dad visits?”  I am only worried about today.  I have separated myself from all gatherings, however.  Which I have mixed feelings about.  I spent all last weekend horizontal on my couch for fear I would relapse (ugh hate that word.)  I was invited to a few gatherings for next weekend and again kept it up in the air so I could either go or not go depending on how I feel.

I know two things at this point.  1) Not going out is going to drive me CRAZY.  Being on the couch or alone all weekend, I will go nuts!  I am a social butterfly (yes it always revolved around alcohol).  2) I am unsure if I trust myself to the point of going out and saying no to alcohol.  I read my blog posts back from February and when I began drinking again I wrote, “I should have not been making plans right now.  I should have kept to myself with my boyfriend until I had some more time under my belt” or something like that.  So that is ringing pretty loudly in my ears as all these “plans” are happening.

So all in all… as my last single digit day… I feel just blah.