addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, strength, the end

Treatment Diary

Day One. July 3, 2019

Here you are – you took the risk, the step, the plunge. This was no easy decision it’s likely the hardest one of your life. I still feel ashamed, embarrassed, but part of me feels like this is where I should be right now.

The first meeting was introductions in answering “what do you want from Powell CDC?” I responded with something along the lines of “I want to dig deeper into the steps to gain a better understanding of them. Clearly they have worked for so long and for so many people in the past that I now realize what I have been doing just simply won’t work. I need to try something else and I hope leaving Powell I will feel proud and confident that I have gained the tools to beat this.”

Second session was a meditation AA meeting which I actually enjoyed a lot. We discussed the 11th step – I’d write it out, but at this point I don’t even know what the 11th step is. We did a 10 minute meditation prior to four people discussing their thoughts on step 11. After that we had a Speaker share her story of growing up: through her journey of trauma, addiction, poor decisions, and it really hit home for me. She expressed that bad decision after bad decision she simply couldn’t stop the drinking. I became overwhelmed. I felt every ounce of her pain and I broke for her. She made me feel like I wasn’t alone, like there were more people out there like me. Maybe I can do this? Is it possible? I’ve been sober for two days and while that is only two days I need to remember and be proud that I made those calls and that I walked through those doors. Wanting to change, dying to change, and needing to change. I made it. I made it here. I made it back. Just need to hang on.

addiction, alcohol, hope, recovery, sobriety, strength, the end

I See You

I know you follow me around everyday. 

I can see and think of you every moment of every hour.


You’re sort of this distant thought on a lot of my days.

Which can be good or bad,

Depending on who you ask.



You seem to be doing well.

Staying strong and ready for me to come back.

But truth is - without you,

I’m doing alright.

Life has been different since we separated.

I wasn’t sure how to have fun,

And I didn’t know how to live my life without you.

I had to unlearn everything I knew.

And relearn everything all over again.



I will say that it is nice not to be obsessing over you.

Not hurting those I love because of you.

You really messed things up for me for a while.

I honestly don’t know how I sustained the energy,


To keep you in my life for so long.



I am thankful we parted ways though.

You made my life hard, sad and difficult.

Your darkness - it’s so powerful,

Powerful enough that not even the smallest glimmer of light could find me in those days.

Some moments I miss being comforted by you.

While others, I could not imagine still being attached to you.



You have this innate ability to find the struggling, the sick and the suffering.

You have the power to hang on for as long as they will allow.

You destroy their lives, their relationships, their love,

And do so unemotionally.



Many people don't like speaking about you.

Theirs a stigma that follows you.

A lot of times people turn their nose up,

And they wonder why those of us who suffer cannot just quit.

But how do we quit something that lives within us.

How do we quit something that is biologically connected to us.

The short answer is we can't.


Not alone.

Its going to take an army of soldiers to overcome this battle.



If there is one thing I can promise,

To you and myself.

It is that my experience with you will not fall in vain.

I will continue to show up and speak out.

To show those who suffer the compassion,

The grace, and the support as I have seen from those before me.



Your existence may never cease.

But my hope is with time you become more widely discussed,


And your presence more accepted,

That for those who experience you are not forever a lost soul.

They simply need help finding the light while they search for the drive to survive.



-x

Written by Bri Jean