5 Years Since This Account

Hello World,

I am in aw. I have not opened or looked at this account in 4+ years. I hope you all have been well and a lot of honesty is going to come from this post. I have not stopped drinking. I actually should have died a year ago after being taken to the ER with an obsene alcohol level, March 7th 2018 to be exact. Eesh that pill is still hard for me to swallow. Went to out patient rehab. I went in with the mental thought of “forever” which utterly terrified me. How does one accept in early stages to not think of forever? But just for now? And hold true to that day in and day out. I knew I wouldn’t make it. I honestly was like, I got this. This all makes a bit more sense to me. I got this. I was clearly sadly wrong. While I’m not binging away for days on end (no longer Sauvignon blanc mind you. I’ve thus converted to vodka and spiked sparkling water). I’m still not living my full life. How does one counter this demon in ones head of “it’s ok. Just don’t drink 8 vodkas and you’ll be fine”.

I know I need to change. I can whole heartedly say that I cannot continue living this way. It’s my escape for the boredom and loneliness and to make the time absently pass, because I am in fact alone. I’ve contacted a therapist to meet for some unresolved issues I even talked about in this blog 4 years ago. I’ve considered short term disability or FMLA to fight this. I guess I just don’t know where to start now that I feel I’m so far gone. I’ve opened up a lot the past two weeks to my family about unresolved issues I was protecting them from. And working my way out of a failed relationship. These things are clearly proving to be triggers for me. Necessary though? I needed to let out things from my past I was hiding. I needed to end a failed relationship. It’s just so much at once. I’m feeling very overwhelmed and my family is concerned. Which. I don’t blame them. Based on how bad of a situation I was in last year. I definitely dont blame them.

So that’s my update. I thank all who have read this. Hopefully I can find my way back to where I need to be.

Xo

Alive and Kickin

As I wrote about on Friday I was feeling over all pretty good about the weekend.  I did have those moments of, “I cant wait for wine” or “YES I am off work time to drink.”  Actually that happened a few more times than I anticipated.  However, I can happily say at no point did it get passed only those small thoughts.  I am honestly kind of thrown off where this amount of acceptance came from.  How last Monday my mind just shifted and now here I am. I still catch myself saying, “what are you going to do when mom comes to visit in 3 weeks?”  And then I stop.  Say no no, don’t worry about that now.  That is so far away.  I still haven’t gotten to thinking or accepting that this is forever, so for now day 30 is my goal and I truly feel unlike any other time that 30 days is achievable.

In my recovery  book I read that you have to start pushing yourself out of your comfort zone to realized your true potential and to find your inner self.  That pushing for me will be socializing without drinking.  I bailed on every friend I have this weekend for fear I could not handle being with them and not drinking.  (This is the one thing I learned from my last attempt.  I even remember writing, “I went out too soon and should have just surrounded myself with my BF until I had more sober time under my belt”)  So this time – that is exactly what I am doing.  Enjoying some me time, some boyfriend time, and some self-reflection time.

One Week Down – Three To Go

Addiction

I am unsure of how I got to this position in my life.  How one day or if it was multiple days built up.  I have lost relationships to this disease called addiction and I fear more will be lost if I do not do something.  I read quotes by people who said “I would never have reached my full potential if I didn’t get sober.”  And I could not relate more to that.  I have those thoughts daily.  I do believe I will beat this disease, I can envision my life without alcohol.  I can see how happy I will be one day when I can say I am, 30 – 60 -90 days sober.  I had my 27th birthday last week and I cannot be more determined to make this year better than the last.  This will be the year that changes my life.  I have started a new career path to build a life for myself and while I know I will one day be successful in it, I feel as though I cannot give it my all because of this disease.  Something needs to change and something needs to give before this disease kills me.

A Little Up – A Little Down

As the I sit here on Friday – my day 4 I remember where I was the last time I was semi successful at abstaining from alcohol (a total of 15 days.)  I wrote a post about how terrified I was that the weekend was coming.  I could not even begin to imagine how I could get through 2 days completely sober and I was an emotional, nervous wreck.

Well, I can happily say that at this go around, I feel much more comfortable with the weekend coming.  One of my good girlfriends knows that something is up with me as I bailed on a birthday party already this weekend so she nicely invited me over for wine.  As it was typed into my phone “oh well I am actually taking a break from drinking, but I will come see you and chat!” I stopped.  No.  That will not be the outcome.  Not with her or anyone for that matter at this point.  Her and I have spent a ridiculous amount of time drinking/drunk together.  Way more time than sober that’s for sure.  So even me putting out there that I will not drink – I will.  Or at-least be tempted and I am not ready for that reality and that internal struggle.

I feel a little in between today.  I feel good with my progression and my ability to acknowledge the potential issue if I were to go.  However, not so good that I know I will have to quarantine myself in the coming weeks to get some time under my belt and to come to terms with all of this change happening in my life.

The Excuses Begin… Day 3

My post from back in February. Basically sums up my current day 3.

drunk on sauv

So today begins the mind games. “I haven’t had a drink in two days. I could handle one”. “I’ll be fine with one. I got this under control” And so on… It really isn’t until I repeat them to myself and say “you see what you just did there?! You are making excuses to have a drink. Which will turn into 4. This is what stems from the problem you have that you must over come. This is part of the problem!” At that moment I realize that I haven’t come nearly as far as I need to and I need to power through. Continue to move forward day by day with the acceptance and realization that I have a constant struggle and problem with alcohol.

I haven’t told anyone about quitting drinking. For fear of failure really. For fear of disappointment. For fear of “I knew you weren’t gonna…

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Rude Awakening

I cannot help but think that everything always happens for a reason. I have felt that way for as long as I can remember. As I woke up this morning after my first night of not drinking I turn to my phone to browse through my social media. I see a random “Friend liked” post on Facebook about his friend being two years sober. Well that’s ironic I thought. I then drive to work and I hear Carson Daly talking to Lady Gaga on the radio about her new song with Tony Bennett called “Lush Life”. And how she related so much to the song as she use to watch the clock only to start drinking – and is now the most sober she has been in her life.

I remember why I started on this journey and I have lost sight of that over the past few months. I had an emotional break down as I traveled to my hometown to see my family this past week. There I am – drunk – sobbing into my dads arms as I tell him I miss being home and being with my family. How I have doubts about living in California for the rest of my life. That is staying in the forefront of my thoughts as I wonder, “why do I drink so much?” Am I unhappy? Am I lonely? Am I holding onto past bad relationships deep down? I am not sure. I do know that I need to figure all this out as a lot of large decisions will be coming my way in the next month or so and I for the first time in my life am going to be choosing it sober.

Haha, Great Point.

I have been thinking a lot lately. “Change or remain the same.” And where I am is not where I want to continue being – so seeing this made me chuckle. 🙂

Saying Day 1 Makes Me Nervous

I have said “Day 1” before – and I can never stick with it.  So this time, today is just a day.  A day of not drinking.  I keep falling off the wagon and watching it pass by me.  Sometimes for weeks and sometimes for months.  The voices of “you will get through this and you will be ok.”  “You aren’t an alcoholic, you can control this, just one – maybe two!” cloud my head all day everyday.  I will always remember a follower of my blog left a comment that read “drinking isn’t living.  you can live without drinking.”  And I know a part of me believes that and a part of me hates that (the addict part).

I have said to my boyfriend and friends that I want to “cut back” because i cant fathom saying out loud “I want to quit”.  And even with saying “cut back” they all still laugh at me and say “YAAHHHH RIGHT!!!!” I know if they knew how I truly felt they would be more supportive.  I am still just trying so hard to do this on my own, facing the denial, the addiction, and the acceptance is a lot harder then I ever had imagined.  One minute you go “there was my ah-ha moment, I’m done.”  And two days later you are back at the bottle again.

Ugh… just keep swimming.  Just keep swimming.

Still Ready. Still Waiting.

Yup. I’m still here. Not sober. But still wanting to be. Time to stop waiting. And time to start doing. 😦

Oprah and Lindsay Lohan: “But you didn’t”

Yes. Yes. Yes. Thank you!!!!

Tired of Thinking About Drinking

the wolfie voice. i watched an interview with Oprah and Lindsay Lohan. Oprah said something like “i personally have experience with addiction; i have an addiction to food.”  She went on to say, “Lindsay, i know alcoholism is a disease, but you’ve been to rehab 6 times, what is the dis-ease in you that makes you drink?”

i haven’t paraphrased this correctly, Oprah phrased it even worse than this, but that’s the gist of it.

Let me tell you, i got all agitated watching the show. I had an answer ready for Oprah that Lindsay left unspoken. I watched Oprah be moderately condescending, and then trying to be sympathetic. But she didn’t get it.

I wanted to be Lindsay sitting in that chair, and I wanted to say this:

Whether alcoholism is a disease or not, i couldn’t say. Really, that would be like asking if depression or anxiety are…

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