I am in aw. I have not opened or looked at this account in 4+ years. I hope you all have been well and a lot of honesty is going to come from this post. I have not stopped drinking. I actually should have died a year ago after being taken to the ER with a .6 something alcohol level, March 7th 2018 to be exact. Eesh that pill is still hard for me to swallow. Went to out patient rehab. I went in with the mental thought of “forever” which utterly terrified me. How does one accept in early stages to not think of forever? But just for now? And hold true to that day in and day out. I knew I wouldn’t make it. I honestly was like, I got this. This all makes a bit more sense to me. I got this. I was clearly sadly wrong. While I’m not binging away for days on end (no longer Sauvignon blanc mind you. I’ve thus converted to vodka and spiked sparkling water). I’m still not living my full life. How does one counter this demon in ones head of “it’s ok. Just don’t drink 8 vodkas and you’ll be fine”.
I know I need to change. I can whole heartedly say that I cannot continue living this way. It’s my escape for the boredom and loneliness and to make the time absently pass, because I am in fact alone. I’ve contacted a therapist to meet for some unresolved issues I even talked about in this blog 4 years ago. I’ve considered short term disability or FMLA to fight this. I guess I just don’t know where to start now that I feel I’m so far gone. I’ve opened up a lot the past two weeks to my family about unresolved issues I was protecting them from. And working my way out of a failed relationship. These things are clearly proving to be triggers for me. Necessary though? I needed to let out things from my past I was hiding. I needed to end a failed relationship. It’s just so much at once. I’m feeling very overwhelmed and my family is concerned. Which. I don’t blame them. Based on how bad of a situation I was in last year. I definitely dont blame them.
So that’s my update. I thank all who have read this. Hopefully I can find my way back to where I need to be.
As I wrote about on Friday I was feeling over all pretty good about the weekend. I did have those moments of, “I cant wait for wine” or “YES I am off work time to drink.” Actually that happened a few more times than I anticipated. However, I can happily say at no point did it get passed only those small thoughts. I am honestly kind of thrown off where this amount of acceptance came from. How last Monday my mind just shifted and now here I am. I still catch myself saying, “what are you going to do when mom comes to visit in 3 weeks?” And then I stop. Say no no, don’t worry about that now. That is so far away. I still haven’t gotten to thinking or accepting that this is forever, so for now day 30 is my goal and I truly feel unlike any other time that 30 days is achievable.
In my recovery book I read that you have to start pushing yourself out of your comfort zone to realized your true potential and to find your inner self. That pushing for me will be socializing without drinking. I bailed on every friend I have this weekend for fear I could not handle being with them and not drinking. (This is the one thing I learned from my last attempt. I even remember writing, “I went out too soon and should have just surrounded myself with my BF until I had more sober time under my belt”) So this time – that is exactly what I am doing. Enjoying some me time, some boyfriend time, and some self-reflection time.
One Week Down – Three To Go
I am unsure of how I got to this position in my life. How one day or if it was multiple days built up. I have lost relationships to this disease called addiction and I fear more will be lost if I do not do something. I read quotes by people who said “I would never have reached my full potential if I didn’t get sober.” And I could not relate more to that. I have those thoughts daily. I do believe I will beat this disease, I can envision my life without alcohol. I can see how happy I will be one day when I can say I am, 30 – 60 -90 days sober. I had my 27th birthday last week and I cannot be more determined to make this year better than the last. This will be the year that changes my life. I have started a new career path to build a life for myself and while I know I will one day be successful in it, I feel as though I cannot give it my all because of this disease. Something needs to change and something needs to give before this disease kills me.
Is what covers my face today. As I got entirely too drunk by myself yesterday. Why do I do that? I have no idea and I know I will regret it. And yet I always convince myself to do it. I have fallen hard off the wagon and it is only up to me to get back on. No one else can make make me do it. I know what I want – I want sobriety. I want to experience life sober. I want to look better, feel better, and improve my life. A lot of positive changes are going to happen in my 26th year of life and I want that change to be part of it. I do not NEED alcohol. I choose to poison my body and it needs to stop. So here it is – I am an alcoholic. I have a very large problem. And I am ready to not let that define me. So here it is world – DAY 1.