Hello, my name is

When I woke up yesterday I had absolutely no intention of writing any of this. I opened my phone to see an email on this account which I had thought and intended to be and remain anonymous. This email was from someone I spoke about on here often and is one of the most important people of my life thus far. To experience someone who meant so much to me for such a long period of time to see me for who I truly am and truly was while we were together was quite shaking and unnerving to say the least.  

I didn’t know what to expect from the email and what I got was of course nothing short of compassion, understanding, and kindness. It’s super overwhelming when all you have done is hide in the dark to protect who you are because the guilt and shame are far too much to bare. 

I have spent so many years hiding behind these shadows that I have done absolutely everything in my power to not let people see me for who I am and who I turned into. For people to be able to connect the dots to all of these terrible moments in my life and terrible decisions that I made, I would have done anything to not let them put two and two together.  I have come a very long way since the beginning of this blog in 2014, but by no means has this been an easy road, a fun road nor an enjoyable road, but nonetheless it’s been the road I had to travel. 

I am happy to say that I’m sober today. I have not had a drink since July 2, 2019. The morning of July second would go on to be my first ever true spiritual awakening. There was no longer a will to continue living my life the way I had been. I had completely and utterly given up everything I had known, wanted, or saw for myself in regards to remaining in this disease. I made a lot of calls that day. I put myself into a treatment program for six weeks and those six weeks changed my life.

I have written on here countless times about day ones and what I have come to learn and know is that it is not about the amount of time you have for this life or recovery. It’s about every day we wake up with an untreated disease that we need to treat in the best way we know how. Each and every single day all of us only have today and we are no better or worse than any person who sits beside us in those chairs, regardless of how much time they have. We are all equal. We are all striving to maintain and achieve a sober mind. It’s with a new found feeling and eye-opening moment that I had yesterday when I opened up that email that I sit here and I write this: fully exposed, completely open, transparent, and in front of those curtains and shadows that I hid behind for so long.

Hello, my name is Bri Jean and I am alcoholic. 

5 Years Since This Account

Hello World,

I am in aw. I have not opened or looked at this account in 4+ years. I hope you all have been well and a lot of honesty is going to come from this post. I have not stopped drinking. I actually should have died a year ago after being taken to the ER with an obsene alcohol level, March 7th 2018 to be exact. Eesh that pill is still hard for me to swallow. Went to out patient rehab. I went in with the mental thought of “forever” which utterly terrified me. How does one accept in early stages to not think of forever? But just for now? And hold true to that day in and day out. I knew I wouldn’t make it. I honestly was like, I got this. This all makes a bit more sense to me. I got this. I was clearly sadly wrong. While I’m not binging away for days on end (no longer Sauvignon blanc mind you. I’ve thus converted to vodka and spiked sparkling water). I’m still not living my full life. How does one counter this demon in ones head of “it’s ok. Just don’t drink 8 vodkas and you’ll be fine”.

I know I need to change. I can whole heartedly say that I cannot continue living this way. It’s my escape for the boredom and loneliness and to make the time absently pass, because I am in fact alone. I’ve contacted a therapist to meet for some unresolved issues I even talked about in this blog 4 years ago. I’ve considered short term disability or FMLA to fight this. I guess I just don’t know where to start now that I feel I’m so far gone. I’ve opened up a lot the past two weeks to my family about unresolved issues I was protecting them from. And working my way out of a failed relationship. These things are clearly proving to be triggers for me. Necessary though? I needed to let out things from my past I was hiding. I needed to end a failed relationship. It’s just so much at once. I’m feeling very overwhelmed and my family is concerned. Which. I don’t blame them. Based on how bad of a situation I was in last year. I definitely dont blame them.

So that’s my update. I thank all who have read this. Hopefully I can find my way back to where I need to be.

Xo

Addiction

I am unsure of how I got to this position in my life.  How one day or if it was multiple days built up.  I have lost relationships to this disease called addiction and I fear more will be lost if I do not do something.  I read quotes by people who said “I would never have reached my full potential if I didn’t get sober.”  And I could not relate more to that.  I have those thoughts daily.  I do believe I will beat this disease, I can envision my life without alcohol.  I can see how happy I will be one day when I can say I am, 30 – 60 -90 days sober.  I had my 27th birthday last week and I cannot be more determined to make this year better than the last.  This will be the year that changes my life.  I have started a new career path to build a life for myself and while I know I will one day be successful in it, I feel as though I cannot give it my all because of this disease.  Something needs to change and something needs to give before this disease kills me.

Maybe it’s not about the booze?!

I have been so overwhelmed this last week all I have been doing is thinking – this quitting drinking thing is hard!! When suddenly last night I stopped. Is it really the quitting that’s giving me such a hard time?!

Long story short. I moved to Los Angeles when I was 19 years old. Yes it was hard. Yes my parents thought I was crazy. But I made it work. I’ve created a life for myself out here. Fast forward 5 years. I go through a very abrupt and painful break up. I decide that I’m really ready to be back in the Midwest with my family. I see my parents 3-4 times a year and my brother 1-2. So after 5 years of that, it really takes a toll. I’m out one night and I randomly meet a man. That man has now been my boyfriend for over 2 years. So here I am today.

I currently have a full time job which I plan on either leaving or staying at if they will let me part time to pursue a career in real estate. It’s a career move for me so it is something that has to be done one time or another. Well that conversation is happening today. I love my boss. So I am crazy nervous about the conversation as well as when I leave if I don’t stay part time having a cash flow etc. Fortunately I have savings. But it’s still scary.

So is my anxiety and struggle with quitting booze really what’s giving me such a hard time? Yes it’s all been hard but I have found I was drinking so much that I was ignoring all these life decisions that I have in front of me and now that that isn’t an option – I’m being forced to deal with them. Sober.