As I wrote about on Friday I was feeling over all pretty good about the weekend. I did have those moments of, “I cant wait for wine” or “YES I am off work time to drink.” Actually that happened a few more times than I anticipated. However, I can happily say at no point did it get passed only those small thoughts. I am honestly kind of thrown off where this amount of acceptance came from. How last Monday my mind just shifted and now here I am. I still catch myself saying, “what are you going to do when mom comes to visit in 3 weeks?” And then I stop. Say no no, don’t worry about that now. That is so far away. I still haven’t gotten to thinking or accepting that this is forever, so for now day 30 is my goal and I truly feel unlike any other time that 30 days is achievable.
In my recovery book I read that you have to start pushing yourself out of your comfort zone to realized your true potential and to find your inner self. That pushing for me will be socializing without drinking. I bailed on every friend I have this weekend for fear I could not handle being with them and not drinking. (This is the one thing I learned from my last attempt. I even remember writing, “I went out too soon and should have just surrounded myself with my BF until I had more sober time under my belt”) So this time – that is exactly what I am doing. Enjoying some me time, some boyfriend time, and some self-reflection time.
One Week Down – Three To Go
I am unsure of how I got to this position in my life. How one day or if it was multiple days built up. I have lost relationships to this disease called addiction and I fear more will be lost if I do not do something. I read quotes by people who said “I would never have reached my full potential if I didn’t get sober.” And I could not relate more to that. I have those thoughts daily. I do believe I will beat this disease, I can envision my life without alcohol. I can see how happy I will be one day when I can say I am, 30 – 60 -90 days sober. I had my 27th birthday last week and I cannot be more determined to make this year better than the last. This will be the year that changes my life. I have started a new career path to build a life for myself and while I know I will one day be successful in it, I feel as though I cannot give it my all because of this disease. Something needs to change and something needs to give before this disease kills me.
As the I sit here on Friday – my day 4 I remember where I was the last time I was semi successful at abstaining from alcohol (a total of 15 days.) I wrote a post about how terrified I was that the weekend was coming. I could not even begin to imagine how I could get through 2 days completely sober and I was an emotional, nervous wreck.
Well, I can happily say that at this go around, I feel much more comfortable with the weekend coming. One of my good girlfriends knows that something is up with me as I bailed on a birthday party already this weekend so she nicely invited me over for wine. As it was typed into my phone “oh well I am actually taking a break from drinking, but I will come see you and chat!” I stopped. No. That will not be the outcome. Not with her or anyone for that matter at this point. Her and I have spent a ridiculous amount of time drinking/drunk together. Way more time than sober that’s for sure. So even me putting out there that I will not drink – I will. Or at-least be tempted and I am not ready for that reality and that internal struggle.
I feel a little in between today. I feel good with my progression and my ability to acknowledge the potential issue if I were to go. However, not so good that I know I will have to quarantine myself in the coming weeks to get some time under my belt and to come to terms with all of this change happening in my life.
I feel like this whole process is a lose lose at this point. When I am drinking I am mad at myself each morning about drinking the night before – remorseful even. So I spend my days dwelling on the facts that occurred the night before (or what I can remember of them). And now that I am trying to quit drinking – all I think about is drinking. Its one bad thing or another. I don’t want to be remorseful and I don’t want to waste away my days thinking about drinking either. Lose. Lose.