I have been thinking a lot lately. “Change or remain the same.” And where I am is not where I want to continue being – so seeing this made me chuckle. 🙂
Saying Day 1 Makes Me Nervous
I have said “Day 1” before – and I can never stick with it. So this time, today is just a day. A day of not drinking. I keep falling off the wagon and watching it pass by me. Sometimes for weeks and sometimes for months. The voices of “you will get through this and you will be ok.” “You aren’t an alcoholic, you can control this, just one – maybe two!” cloud my head all day everyday. I will always remember a follower of my blog left a comment that read “drinking isn’t living. you can live without drinking.” And I know a part of me believes that and a part of me hates that (the addict part).
I have said to my boyfriend and friends that I want to “cut back” because i cant fathom saying out loud “I want to quit”. And even with saying “cut back” they all still laugh at me and say “YAAHHHH RIGHT!!!!” I know if they knew how I truly felt they would be more supportive. I am still just trying so hard to do this on my own, facing the denial, the addiction, and the acceptance is a lot harder then I ever had imagined. One minute you go “there was my ah-ha moment, I’m done.” And two days later you are back at the bottle again.
Ugh… just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.
New Start
New Start. New Theme. New Avatar. Lets do this!
Still Ready. Still Waiting.
Yup. I’m still here. Not sober. But still wanting to be. Time to stop waiting. And time to start doing. 😦
Light Bulbs
I was in such a nightmare yesterday I am so glad it is over. I have been feeling very – blah – as you can tell from my post yesterday. Gained weight, feeling fat, feeling gross, and sorry for myself. When I awoke this morning and came to work I noticed a red mark on each of my hips…. Stretch marks. UGH. Just to top off my horrible feelings I have about myself and I have two new stretch marks. It threw me into a whirlwind and then it hit me… that light bulb. “JUST DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT AND STOP COMPLAINING!” So I am. I have opted to try a 30 day challenge (I cant fathom 100 so I am starting small).
30 minutes of exercise – 6 days a week. No added sugars. Palm sized main meals. 2 Liters of water a day & No Alcohol.
I have my first trip to Europe in exactly 37 Days and I will be damned if I am less that 100% comfortable going! So bring it on 30 days!! I’M READY!!!
Remorse
So per usual. I sit here after falling off the wagon and I feel absolutely terrible. I waste away my entire day remorseful and regretting the decision I made the night before to drink. I feel sluggish. Fat. Awful. Any word really to describe an individual which is not positive. I feel awful about myself. I am bloated, hating how my body looks and I know I can look better. Yet I still make the nightly decision to drink, and then the drinking leads to over eating and eating things so bad for me I would never imagine eating them sober. I realize that if I changed my nightly habit that the next day would feel tremendously better. I know the weight wont fall off in one day (even though I really wish it would!!!) But at least it would begin the process. Instead of feeling good about myself I just wither away in insecurity and self pity. It is quite depressing really. I believe that that is why I drink, come to think of it. I drink to forget about all the negative thoughts I have during the day – only to lead me to the next day of negative thoughts – and back again. So instead of dealing with the pain and agony I simply shut it up for a few hours with alcohol. Makes no damn sense. And I know that. It is just a matter of doing something about it – and that is my current struggle.
Cant Win
I feel like this whole process is a lose lose at this point. When I am drinking I am mad at myself each morning about drinking the night before – remorseful even. So I spend my days dwelling on the facts that occurred the night before (or what I can remember of them). And now that I am trying to quit drinking – all I think about is drinking. Its one bad thing or another. I don’t want to be remorseful and I don’t want to waste away my days thinking about drinking either. Lose. Lose.
Oprah and Lindsay Lohan: “But you didn’t”
Yes. Yes. Yes. Thank you!!!!
the wolfie voice. i watched an interview with Oprah and Lindsay Lohan. Oprah said something like “i personally have experience with addiction; i have an addiction to food.” She went on to say, “Lindsay, i know alcoholism is a disease, but you’ve been to rehab 6 times, what is the dis-ease in you that makes you drink?”
i haven’t paraphrased this correctly, Oprah phrased it even worse than this, but that’s the gist of it.
Let me tell you, i got all agitated watching the show. I had an answer ready for Oprah that Lindsay left unspoken. I watched Oprah be moderately condescending, and then trying to be sympathetic. But she didn’t get it.
I wanted to be Lindsay sitting in that chair, and I wanted to say this:
Whether alcoholism is a disease or not, i couldn’t say. Really, that would be like asking if depression or anxiety are…
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Shame
Is what covers my face today. As I got entirely too drunk by myself yesterday. Why do I do that? I have no idea and I know I will regret it. And yet I always convince myself to do it. I have fallen hard off the wagon and it is only up to me to get back on. No one else can make make me do it. I know what I want – I want sobriety. I want to experience life sober. I want to look better, feel better, and improve my life. A lot of positive changes are going to happen in my 26th year of life and I want that change to be part of it. I do not NEED alcohol. I choose to poison my body and it needs to stop. So here it is – I am an alcoholic. I have a very large problem. And I am ready to not let that define me. So here it is world – DAY 1.
you. take care of you.
EXACTLY. I know this – just need to do something about it.
drunk on sauv 