Alive and Kickin

As I wrote about on Friday I was feeling over all pretty good about the weekend.  I did have those moments of, “I cant wait for wine” or “YES I am off work time to drink.”  Actually that happened a few more times than I anticipated.  However, I can happily say at no point did it get passed only those small thoughts.  I am honestly kind of thrown off where this amount of acceptance came from.  How last Monday my mind just shifted and now here I am. I still catch myself saying, “what are you going to do when mom comes to visit in 3 weeks?”  And then I stop.  Say no no, don’t worry about that now.  That is so far away.  I still haven’t gotten to thinking or accepting that this is forever, so for now day 30 is my goal and I truly feel unlike any other time that 30 days is achievable.

In my recovery  book I read that you have to start pushing yourself out of your comfort zone to realized your true potential and to find your inner self.  That pushing for me will be socializing without drinking.  I bailed on every friend I have this weekend for fear I could not handle being with them and not drinking.  (This is the one thing I learned from my last attempt.  I even remember writing, “I went out too soon and should have just surrounded myself with my BF until I had more sober time under my belt”)  So this time – that is exactly what I am doing.  Enjoying some me time, some boyfriend time, and some self-reflection time.

One Week Down – Three To Go

A Different Place

So I sit here on day 5 and thinking of the up and coming weekend I re-read my last “first weekend” post from my only other semi successful attempt at sobriety. I am happy to say I am not nearly as worried or lost as I was back then. I feel comfortable. I feel ready. I feel like I’m in a much more peaceful place this time. I have a trip to the beach. Pilates. My recovery book. Laundry. The mall. So many things I have planned and knowing I won’t be wasted by noon I know I will get them all done. 🙂 

Happy Sober Weekend Everyone!

  

(Truth)

No. No Wine.

WINE WINE WINE.  ITS ALL THATS ON MY MINNNNDDDDDD.

::In my head this is being sung to some kind of fun melody. Be gone fun melody::

(Not 5 minutes after I posted the above statement did this article pop up on my Facebook feed. http://elitedaily.com/life/im-never-drinking-happens-say-mean/984304/ and just like that… melody be gone.)

Night One

So it went as to be expected I think. With my anxiety on full gears all day I knew that when I got home Id have to do something out of my norm to relax. Walked in my house door, made a cup of green tea, grabbed my recovery book, High: A Party Girls Guide to Peace, and crawled into bed. Somehow when I’m in bed I don’t think about drinking so much so it was nice to turn my brain off for a bit. 

Three cups of tea and 60 pages later I decided to add a new method to my recovery. I figured what I had tried in the past never fully worked so adding in new “tools” couldn’t hurt. I downloaded a podcast from The Bubble Hour. This one was “Early Recovery”.  It was great quite honestly. Hearing about these other women’s stories and how I truly could relate to them was incredible. They talked a lot about post acute withdrawal symptoms (PAWS) and how to cope with them. One they touched on was insomnia (which I clearly have as I’ve been up since 230 and it’s now 5 as I write this).  Night sweats (also experiencing as I’m blasting my AC on 60 degrees). I remember my last unsuccessful yet closest attempt at quitting drinking when I wasn’t fighting insomnia I was sound asleep, but the vivid nightmares were insane. I would feel my body forcing myself awake only so they would end. I don’t look forward to those again.

So all in all. I think day and night one was manageable. Not great. But manageable. 

Addiction

I am unsure of how I got to this position in my life.  How one day or if it was multiple days built up.  I have lost relationships to this disease called addiction and I fear more will be lost if I do not do something.  I read quotes by people who said “I would never have reached my full potential if I didn’t get sober.”  And I could not relate more to that.  I have those thoughts daily.  I do believe I will beat this disease, I can envision my life without alcohol.  I can see how happy I will be one day when I can say I am, 30 – 60 -90 days sober.  I had my 27th birthday last week and I cannot be more determined to make this year better than the last.  This will be the year that changes my life.  I have started a new career path to build a life for myself and while I know I will one day be successful in it, I feel as though I cannot give it my all because of this disease.  Something needs to change and something needs to give before this disease kills me.

Desire

Well hello sober world! It’s been far too long since I have posted, but I am here. I am not sober (still wanting to be very badly) so as I lay here I start over my sober clock. 🙂 I do believe sometimes people must practice quitting to quit. And I do believe my desire to be sober has been in me for so long it will one of these times stick.

I promise myself to post daily. To read blogs daily. And to truly give this a solid effort. I’m over the time wasted and spent on drinking and being remorseful about drinking then being remorseful about being remorseful (I think you get the picture.)

So to a positive attitude this time instead of writing in a very depressed state of mind as I generally do – here goes nothing!

Sober Day

This is what the last day feels like. Today will be my last-first sober day. Here’s to not having another day one.

Just A Piece

Where am I.
This is not the me I use to know.
At some point I took a wrong turn.
The point of that turn is unknown.

My heads a mess and I can’t think straight.
I don’t know how I got here in the first place.
This position we r in was never my intention.
I just started crying and then it happened.

Was it subconscious?
Was it assumptive?
So many questions,
To which I don’t have the answer.

Writing was always an outlet.
But as I sit here, I struggle to type.
The emotions have been blocked for so long.
I think they may even be gone.

Blocking emotions with booze, denial and silence.
Hoping never to acknowledge or feel the pain.
Even blocking the inner words of myself.
These are the things that have led me here today.

I’m Alive.

My head hurts. I just ended a two and half year relationship approximately two hours ago. I’ve been doubtful of the relationship for a bit, but that still doesn’t make it any easier. The thoughts of it had gotten so heavy and intense I actually drowned the sounds in booze and basically stopped working. I have been depressed for about a month now and I decided this weekend it was time to make a change. So here I am. Repairing my destroyed life one issue at a time. I may not be sober. But at least I made a huge move towards sobriety with putting this head mess to rest.

This is Why

I have caught myself thinking about alcohol a lot today.  Each time I go “no, no, no.  no more.  you have a problem.  you are done.  stop wasting the space on that crap.”  I imagine how easy it would be to just grab some wine, bail on Pilates class, and drink the entire bottle in two hours.  Only in turn to wake up in the morning and continue to hate myself and dwell on the fact that I can’t get past all of this.  There is this very small linger of hope I look to that says “you will really enjoy sober life.  once you find it.  you will love it.  keep going.”

So with that being said I have decided to sit down and make a list of all the reason I need/want/have to quit drinking.

1) I always regret the amount I drink the morning after, almost every single time.

2) It makes me fat, bloated, and gross.

3) It makes me lazy.  Not only do I not work out, ever – the thought of cooking or walking to get something fairly healthy for dinner seems like a ridiculous task so I order expensive/unhealthy food instead.

4) I spend a shit ton – I mean a shit ton of money on booze.  And the expensive food to go with it.

5) I become an overly sensitive, touchy mess with everything.  Tone.. Jokes.. Comments.. all of them.  Not only that but then I lash out on whoever “offended” me.

6) With #5 comes arguments, tears, and depression.  A lot of all those things.

7) Did I mention it makes me sensitive which leads to arguments and tears?  Ya, it does that.

8) I sleep like crap.  I will usually wake up from 2 am to 6 am just thinking about “why did I drink so much.  I cannot keep living this way” thoughts.

9) When I sleep like crap I then call into work late.  Not great Sauvvy.. Not great.

10) It makes me feel awful and terrible about myself.  In every shape and form.

11) I don’t remember anything. Literally anything. All the talks I’ve had. Concerts I’ve been to. Movies and shows I’ve seen. I don’t remember them.

12) I am not happy with myself because of my drinking problem and I will not ever be genuinely happy if I continue to drink.

Ok.  That’s what I have for now, but I would say for 5 minutes of typing that is only scratching the surface.