The Beginning of the End

I knew walking into work today and tackling the day was going to be difficult.  The vibe in my office has been quite “off” and today was the day I could feel it would come to a screeching halt.  The boozing has officially taken its toll on my day to day life.  I have a rolling schedule of my choosing each week and more times than not can I say that I bailed on coming into work just so I could get drunk, home alone… on my couch.  So unbelievably pathetic.  I would tell them I’d be in and then “a meeting would suddenly come up and I couldn’t make it.”  This morning they sat me down and said the non-stability of my schedule was making them question if I should even continue working here.  Do I love working here?!  No.  But, it does help with my bills.  And if and when I choose to leave I want it to be my choice and not them choosing to let me go do to being such a flake and not dependable (which the booze is solely to blame for this.  As I am generally very dependable.)

I started hiding bottles from my boyfriend who would be disappointed to know I am drinking so much again – even chugging from the bottle when he is not looking.  No.  I did not make that up.  I am so embarrassed and ashamed that I had to write it out in order to read it back to myself so I can reminded of how far this problem has gone.  I look to the right side of my computer screen and I have been blogging since February 2014.  14 months I have been battling this (which its actually longer, more like November 2013 is when I acknowledged this problem.)  How have I not gotten a hold of this?!  So insanely disappointing and frustrating.

I got a lot of feedback from people after my last choice telling me “to change or modify my path to sobriety” because of my failed attempts, I am obviously not doing something right.  I got into a 30 kick start to sobriety today.  The daily activity was to listen to the podcast 3 times today and to put positive, sober, enthusiastic post-it notes all over my house, car, desk, wherever to be reminded of my sobriety.  I have every intention on doing both of those things today.  So for the sake of my relationship, work, and health – I pray to God this is the beginning of the end and the start to my recovery journey.

12 thoughts on “The Beginning of the End

  1. A Drunken Disaster says:

    I follow the same podcast and the post its do help. Every time I go to grab something out of my wallet I see “You are better than this” and smile. Seems cheesy but I will take any kind words even if they are from MYSELF 🙂 Don’t be too hard on yourself, every time I have fallen down I have taken a valuable lesson away from it. Its a marathon, A hilly ass, wild animal chasing you marathon not a sprint through central park. Keep your eye on the prize.

    • That’s a great way to look at it. Thank you for that! 🙂 even reading that comment made me smile. Possibly the first smile I’ve had today. Haha. So thanks! You are better than this!!!

  2. Go you! I’ll also be cheering you on!

    And remember, it’s *okay* to feel anxious or down or sad. It’s *okay*. It’s just a feeling and it’ll pass. You don’t have to try and fix it. You’re a wonderful person because of the different sides of you, anxiety and whatnot included!

  3. Slightly Sober in the Suburbs says:

    Allow yourself to feel all of these negative feelings and then use those feelings to give yourself grace. You will find yourself so free when you simply forgive your mistakes and begin fresh today. There is nothing wrong with day one because without it you simply cannot have a day two.

    Take lots if vitamin c. It helps with cravings.

    You can do this.

    • That is great to know thank you. I have not learned personal acceptance which is part of the reason I feel I drink. Drink to hide the truth about my past and my decisions. Thanks for the wisdom!!

      • Slightly Sober in the Suburbs says:

        That’s where we tend to get hung up – the past aches, pains, mistakes, damage and whatever else we can come up with to drink! Acceptance isn’t long term – I say forgive and forget. I figure if God forgets our sins the minute we ask for forgiveness, then the least we can do is the same.

      • that is fantastic advice. thank you slightly sober. I knew turning 27 would be the most “life changing” year of my life and so far… im on that path. 🙂 thanks for the support! xo, Sauvvy

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