I read a blog yesterday that gave multiple things you realize within the first 30 days of sobriety. One of them stuck with me immediately, “this is not the worst thing that could happen to you.” I sat and thought… hm. That is a great point.
Fast forward to this morning and like every Thursday I call my dad to chat about our weeks and weekend plans and then he says, “well. I am keeping your brother and sister in law in my prayers today.” Uh… What?! I have not heard anything so I am immediately caught off guard. My sister in law is 30 weeks pregnant with twins, a boy and a girl, and there is potentially an issue with her pregnancy, the results will be out later today, but if the results are not in their favor she will be admitted into the hospital tomorrow and likely be giving birth early. At 30 weeks the babies are of size to survive, but I cannot help but feel for them and just imagine how scared they might be or what they might be feeling.
That blog was absolutely correct, “this is not the worst thing that could happen to you.”
I knew walking into work today and tackling the day was going to be difficult. The vibe in my office has been quite “off” and today was the day I could feel it would come to a screeching halt. The boozing has officially taken its toll on my day to day life. I have a rolling schedule of my choosing each week and more times than not can I say that I bailed on coming into work just so I could get drunk, home alone… on my couch. So unbelievably pathetic. I would tell them I’d be in and then “a meeting would suddenly come up and I couldn’t make it.” This morning they sat me down and said the non-stability of my schedule was making them question if I should even continue working here. Do I love working here?! No. But, it does help with my bills. And if and when I choose to leave I want it to be my choice and not them choosing to let me go do to being such a flake and not dependable (which the booze is solely to blame for this. As I am generally very dependable.)
I started hiding bottles from my boyfriend who would be disappointed to know I am drinking so much again – even chugging from the bottle when he is not looking. No. I did not make that up. I am so embarrassed and ashamed that I had to write it out in order to read it back to myself so I can reminded of how far this problem has gone. I look to the right side of my computer screen and I have been blogging since February 2014. 14 months I have been battling this (which its actually longer, more like November 2013 is when I acknowledged this problem.) How have I not gotten a hold of this?! So insanely disappointing and frustrating.
I got a lot of feedback from people after my last choice telling me “to change or modify my path to sobriety” because of my failed attempts, I am obviously not doing something right. I got into a 30 kick start to sobriety today. The daily activity was to listen to the podcast 3 times today and to put positive, sober, enthusiastic post-it notes all over my house, car, desk, wherever to be reminded of my sobriety. I have every intention on doing both of those things today. So for the sake of my relationship, work, and health – I pray to God this is the beginning of the end and the start to my recovery journey.
I was doing so good for two weeks… and then I wasn’t. Just like that in a flip of a switch I am back where I started. How does our brain get so trained into thinking we need this substance on a day to day basis. I woke up hating myself after drinking a bottle (and by bottle I mean more like a bottle and half) of wine last night. Somehow I always convince myself, “well you have no days under your belt, or only two days under your belt, so why bother”. And back to the bottle I go.