addiction, alcohol, experience, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Struggling. 

Today and yesterday have been the hardest thus far. That sober stay-cation while relaxing may not have been the best option at this point. It through me into a realm which I was not ready for. Two full days of spare time with no plans to pass the time. Just to sit.  I even convinced myself at one point I could drink while I was away and come back to LA then continue this journey. My bf then referred to me as speaking and acting similar to a heroine addict. 😑 I was like “ah shit”.  So I’m back in LA now. Still sober. But I’m really not enjoying it. I was on a brief high of “yay sobriety – woohoo lets do this”.  Now all I really want to do is just say fuck it. Fuck all of it. 

16 thoughts on “Struggling. 

  1. I said fuck it all and ended up hammered for two days. Back to square one apologising for stuff I can’t remember, d clock is going extra slow to piss me off more.

    1. Ugh. I even committed to working tomorrow because in my head when my bf goes back to work im like “finally I can get drunk and he won’t know”. Not great. What has happened that our bodies tell us we NEED this liquid. We don’t. But we think we do.

      1. I have taken d next three days off to get it out of my system bloody regret it now. Fuck jack Daniels

      2. Well I applaud your strength. I need to work to stay sober. I know if I have another day off I will wake up and go straight to the store.
        😦 amazing how we can go from a sober high to a sober low in the matter of minutes.

      3. Yes it terrible maybe this be d right time before I really fuck up. Time to stop for good fuck it

  2. Hang in there. Do whatever you have to do to not drink. One thing that helped me was telling myself that If I decide sometime that I want to drink again, fine, but I wouldn’t do it spontaneously. No snap decisions, give it at least a day or two to see if I still think it’s a good idea. We’re doing something thoughtful here, don’t throw it away on a whim. xoxo

  3. hi I really Identify. I also relapsed but will try to get back again.
    Its hard but we need to right? Hope u feel better. All the best and I really like your blog

    1. Yes we need to. This battle we are fighting is not easy. We only truly lose if we give up. I keep reminding myself of that. And thank you! I look forward to following your journey!

  4. I agree with Ella Bee. Avoid snap decisions. You’ve done the right thing by bringing your feelings here. Boredom is always a trigger. Hang in there.

  5. Hang in. This is a normal part of the process. Not easy at all, but normal. Just like good or bad days. Boredom was always a trigger for me. I had to keep busy and get lots of support. So good for you to write about it. Sending many hugs.

  6. Ella Bee’s got some great advice, remind yourself it is a possibility to drink but really really think on it for a day or two first. The Fuck It Zone is the ultimate danger zone, at least in my experience. I’ll do great for a week and then Ill say “Fuck It” and that Fuck It NEVER leads anywhere good and I keep on coming back. My best advice is when you’re about to say “Fuck It”, find something you really love that has nothing to do with alcohol and distract yourself. Even run to a reliable friend and tell them you’re about to say fuck it and get them to do something with you that keeps you away from alcohol that will make you feel either productive or happy or both. Rooting for you!

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