Today and yesterday have been the hardest thus far. That sober stay-cation while relaxing may not have been the best option at this point. It through me into a realm which I was not ready for. Two full days of spare time with no plans to pass the time. Just to sit. I even convinced myself at one point I could drink while I was away and come back to LA then continue this journey. My bf then referred to me as speaking and acting similar to a heroine addict. 😑 I was like “ah shit”. So I’m back in LA now. Still sober. But I’m really not enjoying it. I was on a brief high of “yay sobriety – woohoo lets do this”. Now all I really want to do is just say fuck it. Fuck all of it.
This is a first… 10 days in and while I have secluded myself from all plans – tonight that comes to an end. I have booked a two night stay in a small beach city for my boyfriend and I to escape the city of LA to just lay around and relax. The sober part of me is so thrilled it is just him and I as he is not a huge drinker and he knows what I am trying to accomplish by abstaining from alcohol so will likely not drink while we are away to support me and to not make it harder for me. I think about being in Cabo San Lucas three weeks ago and how I just sat on the beach, laid out and drank all day. This weekend will be significantly different and in my head I am imagining a lot less fun. I am trying to remain positive, but I do see the struggle which lies a head and is only a few hours away.
As I wrote about on Friday I was feeling over all pretty good about the weekend. I did have those moments of, “I cant wait for wine” or “YES I am off work time to drink.” Actually that happened a few more times than I anticipated. However, I can happily say at no point did it get passed only those small thoughts. I am honestly kind of thrown off where this amount of acceptance came from. How last Monday my mind just shifted and now here I am. I still catch myself saying, “what are you going to do when mom comes to visit in 3 weeks?” And then I stop. Say no no, don’t worry about that now. That is so far away. I still haven’t gotten to thinking or accepting that this is forever, so for now day 30 is my goal and I truly feel unlike any other time that 30 days is achievable.
In my recovery book I read that you have to start pushing yourself out of your comfort zone to realized your true potential and to find your inner self. That pushing for me will be socializing without drinking. I bailed on every friend I have this weekend for fear I could not handle being with them and not drinking. (This is the one thing I learned from my last attempt. I even remember writing, “I went out too soon and should have just surrounded myself with my BF until I had more sober time under my belt”) So this time – that is exactly what I am doing. Enjoying some me time, some boyfriend time, and some self-reflection time.
One Week Down – Three To Go
So I sit here on day 5 and thinking of the up and coming weekend I re-read my last “first weekend” post from my only other semi successful attempt at sobriety. I am happy to say I am not nearly as worried or lost as I was back then. I feel comfortable. I feel ready. I feel like I’m in a much more peaceful place this time. I have a trip to the beach. Pilates. My recovery book. Laundry. The mall. So many things I have planned and knowing I won’t be wasted by noon I know I will get them all done. 🙂
Happy Sober Weekend Everyone!
WINE WINE WINE. ITS ALL THATS ON MY MINNNNDDDDDD.
::In my head this is being sung to some kind of fun melody. Be gone fun melody::
(Not 5 minutes after I posted the above statement did this article pop up on my Facebook feed. http://elitedaily.com/life/im-never-drinking-happens-say-mean/984304/ and just like that… melody be gone.)
So it went as to be expected I think. With my anxiety on full gears all day I knew that when I got home Id have to do something out of my norm to relax. Walked in my house door, made a cup of green tea, grabbed my recovery book, High: A Party Girls Guide to Peace, and crawled into bed. Somehow when I’m in bed I don’t think about drinking so much so it was nice to turn my brain off for a bit.
Three cups of tea and 60 pages later I decided to add a new method to my recovery. I figured what I had tried in the past never fully worked so adding in new “tools” couldn’t hurt. I downloaded a podcast from The Bubble Hour. This one was “Early Recovery”. It was great quite honestly. Hearing about these other women’s stories and how I truly could relate to them was incredible. They talked a lot about post acute withdrawal symptoms (PAWS) and how to cope with them. One they touched on was insomnia (which I clearly have as I’ve been up since 230 and it’s now 5 as I write this). Night sweats (also experiencing as I’m blasting my AC on 60 degrees). I remember my last unsuccessful yet closest attempt at quitting drinking when I wasn’t fighting insomnia I was sound asleep, but the vivid nightmares were insane. I would feel my body forcing myself awake only so they would end. I don’t look forward to those again.
So all in all. I think day and night one was manageable. Not great. But manageable.
I am unsure of how I got to this position in my life. How one day or if it was multiple days built up. I have lost relationships to this disease called addiction and I fear more will be lost if I do not do something. I read quotes by people who said “I would never have reached my full potential if I didn’t get sober.” And I could not relate more to that. I have those thoughts daily. I do believe I will beat this disease, I can envision my life without alcohol. I can see how happy I will be one day when I can say I am, 30 – 60 -90 days sober. I had my 27th birthday last week and I cannot be more determined to make this year better than the last. This will be the year that changes my life. I have started a new career path to build a life for myself and while I know I will one day be successful in it, I feel as though I cannot give it my all because of this disease. Something needs to change and something needs to give before this disease kills me.