Struggling. 

Today and yesterday have been the hardest thus far. That sober stay-cation while relaxing may not have been the best option at this point. It through me into a realm which I was not ready for. Two full days of spare time with no plans to pass the time. Just to sit.  I even convinced myself at one point I could drink while I was away and come back to LA then continue this journey. My bf then referred to me as speaking and acting similar to a heroine addict. ūüėĎ I was like “ah shit”.  So I’m back in LA now. Still sober. But I’m really not enjoying it. I was on a brief high of “yay sobriety – woohoo lets do this”.  Now all I really want to do is just say fuck it. Fuck all of it. 

California Sober Stay-cation

This is a first… 10 days in and while I have secluded myself from all plans –¬†tonight that comes to an end.¬† I have booked¬†a two night stay in a small beach city for my boyfriend and I to escape the city of LA to just lay around and relax.¬† The sober part of me is so thrilled it is just him and I as he is not a huge drinker and he knows what I am trying to accomplish by abstaining from alcohol so will likely not drink while we are away to support me and to¬†not make it harder for me.¬† I think about being in Cabo San Lucas three weeks ago and how I just sat on the beach, laid out and drank all day.¬† This weekend will be significantly different and in my head I am imagining a lot less fun.¬† :-/¬† I am trying to remain positive, but¬†I do see the struggle which lies a head and is only a few hours away.

Alive and Kickin

As I wrote about on Friday I was feeling over all pretty good about the weekend.¬† I did have those moments of, “I cant wait for wine” or “YES I am off work time to drink.”¬† Actually that happened a few more times than I anticipated.¬† However, I can happily say at no point did it get passed only those small thoughts.¬† I am honestly kind of thrown off where this amount of acceptance came from.¬† How last Monday my mind just shifted and now here I am.¬†I still catch myself saying, “what are you going to do when mom comes to visit in 3 weeks?”¬† And then I stop.¬† Say no no, don’t worry about that now.¬† That is so far away.¬† I still haven’t gotten to thinking or accepting that this is forever, so for now day 30 is my goal and I truly feel¬†unlike any other time that¬†30 days is achievable.

In my recovery¬†¬†book I read that you have to start pushing yourself out of your comfort zone to realized your true potential and to find your inner self.¬† That pushing for me will be socializing without drinking.¬† I bailed on every friend I have this weekend for fear I could not handle being with them and not drinking.¬† (This is the one thing I learned from my last attempt.¬† I even remember writing, “I went out too soon and should have just surrounded myself with my BF until I had more sober time under my belt”)¬† So this time – that is exactly what I am doing.¬† Enjoying some me time, some boyfriend time, and some self-reflection time.

One Week Down – Three To Go

A Different Place

So I sit here on day 5 and thinking of the up and coming weekend I re-read my last “first weekend” post from my only other semi successful attempt at sobriety. I am happy to say I am not nearly as worried or lost as I was back then. I feel comfortable. I feel ready. I feel like I’m in a much more peaceful place this time. I have a trip to the beach. Pilates. My recovery book. Laundry. The mall. So many things I have planned and knowing I won’t be wasted by noon I know I will get them all done. ūüôā 

Happy Sober Weekend Everyone!

  

(Truth)

Night One

So it went as to be expected I think. With my anxiety on full gears all day I knew that when I got home Id have to do something out of my norm to relax. Walked in my house door, made a cup of green tea, grabbed my recovery book, High: A Party Girls Guide to Peace, and crawled into bed. Somehow when I’m in bed I don’t think about drinking so much so it was nice to turn my brain off for a bit. 

Three cups of tea and 60 pages later I decided to add a new method to my recovery. I figured what I had tried in the past never fully worked so adding in new “tools” couldn’t hurt. I downloaded a podcast from The Bubble Hour. This one was “Early Recovery”.  It was great quite honestly. Hearing about these other women’s stories and how I truly could relate to them was incredible. They talked a lot about post acute withdrawal symptoms (PAWS) and how to cope with them. One they touched on was insomnia (which I clearly have as I’ve been up since 230 and it’s now 5 as I write this).  Night sweats (also experiencing as I’m blasting my AC on 60 degrees). I remember my last unsuccessful yet closest attempt at quitting drinking when I wasn’t fighting insomnia I was sound asleep, but the vivid nightmares were insane. I would feel my body forcing myself awake only so they would end. I don’t look forward to those again.

So all in all. I think day and night one was manageable. Not great. But manageable. 

Addiction

I am unsure of how I got to this position in my life.¬† How one day or if it was multiple days built up.¬† I have lost relationships to this disease called addiction and I fear more will be lost if I do not do something.¬† I read quotes by people who said “I would never have reached my full potential if I didn’t get sober.”¬† And I could not relate more to that.¬† I have those thoughts daily.¬† I do believe I will beat this disease, I can envision my life without alcohol.¬† I can see how happy I will be one day when I can say I am, 30 – 60 -90 days sober.¬† I had my 27th birthday last week and I cannot be more determined to make this year better than the last.¬† This will be the year that changes my life.¬† I have started a new career path to build a life for myself and while I know I will one day be successful in it, I feel as though I cannot give it my all because of this disease.¬† Something needs to change and¬†something needs to give before this disease kills me.