addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

Undecided

As I sit here on my last single digit day sober, I feel lost.  I feel like all emotions have left me and all I am is a body sitting at my desk with no feeling of anything.  This whole journey is already exhausting and I am only 9 days in.  Even to sit here and gather my thoughts to blog feels like a task in itself.

This go around at quitting I do notice a huge difference between the last time I tried.  I am no longer thinking about “oh my what will I do on Halloween?  What will I do when my dad visits?”  I am only worried about today.  I have separated myself from all gatherings, however.  Which I have mixed feelings about.  I spent all last weekend horizontal on my couch for fear I would relapse (ugh hate that word.)  I was invited to a few gatherings for next weekend and again kept it up in the air so I could either go or not go depending on how I feel.

I know two things at this point.  1) Not going out is going to drive me CRAZY.  Being on the couch or alone all weekend, I will go nuts!  I am a social butterfly (yes it always revolved around alcohol).  2) I am unsure if I trust myself to the point of going out and saying no to alcohol.  I read my blog posts back from February and when I began drinking again I wrote, “I should have not been making plans right now.  I should have kept to myself with my boyfriend until I had some more time under my belt” or something like that.  So that is ringing pretty loudly in my ears as all these “plans” are happening.

So all in all… as my last single digit day… I feel just blah.

8 thoughts on “Undecided

  1. There are plenty of activities you can do on weekends that do not involve alcohol and keep you busy and distracted. Go to a market, or shopping, go and see a movie, go for a run/walk/hike, see your friends but for breakfast or lunch rather than for drinks – good friends will understand. Sitting at home alone constantly telling yourself that you cannot drink will only make you feel deprived and resentful and you’ll end up feeling rebellious – believe me, I know! Well done on getting this far – the early days are definitely the hardest!! 🙂

  2. I agree with mssober35! I find what is helping me on the weekends is the mantra “daytime is the new nighttime”… because it’s still tough for me to be at too many drinking events, I just fill up my weekend days with social visits so that I don’t end up feeling isolated. And I remind myself that it is temporary- eventually I hope to have weekend evenings full again, it may be different though and that’s okay too. Hang in there! It is SO worth it!

  3. Late night movie outings were great for me in the beginning. Out of the house doing something special on a weekend night – but something which is booze free. Hmmm and I threw myself into exercise which kept me busy (and eventually I grew to love it).

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s