I have said “Day 1” before – and I can never stick with it. So this time, today is just a day. A day of not drinking. I keep falling off the wagon and watching it pass by me. Sometimes for weeks and sometimes for months. The voices of “you will get through this and you will be ok.” “You aren’t an alcoholic, you can control this, just one – maybe two!” cloud my head all day everyday. I will always remember a follower of my blog left a comment that read “drinking isn’t living. you can live without drinking.” And I know a part of me believes that and a part of me hates that (the addict part).
I have said to my boyfriend and friends that I want to “cut back” because i cant fathom saying out loud “I want to quit”. And even with saying “cut back” they all still laugh at me and say “YAAHHHH RIGHT!!!!” I know if they knew how I truly felt they would be more supportive. I am still just trying so hard to do this on my own, facing the denial, the addiction, and the acceptance is a lot harder then I ever had imagined. One minute you go “there was my ah-ha moment, I’m done.” And two days later you are back at the bottle again.
Ugh… just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.