I sit here and am looking back at the weekend that has passed. I had some positivity and some hesitation as of Friday. All in all – the feelings still carried over to the weekend.
Saturday my boyfriend was off work which was lovely and we had a business/personal lunch thing to attend. That was also great. We debated going to meet with friends after. He said he was tired – I said I didn’t want to drink. So we came home for the rest of the day. Found the show The Strain (it’s great and addicting if u haven’t seen it. However you have to like the walking dead-ish type shows, it’s quite gruesome) and watched 5 episodes of that. By the end of the day – Saturday was good! Didn’t contemplate drinking too much which was a nice change of pace especially for a Saturday.
Now onto Sunday. Sunday was a different story. I woke up early and kept busy: did laundry, unpacked, cleaned, things were going good. Then I ended my chores. Wanting to drink hit me like a ton of bricks. I stood up at least 2-3 times convinced I could have some wine. As I stepped into the kitchen. I stopped. Made tea and sat back down. I didn’t do it, but boy did I want to. Some people would probably feel happy – proud even. I didn’t and I still don’t. I feel sad and bummed out. All I wanted was wine and I can’t have it.
Feel extremely irritable during the early stages of sobriety?! I’m snappy as can be today
As the I sit here on Friday – my day 4 I remember where I was the last time I was semi successful at abstaining from alcohol (a total of 15 days.) I wrote a post about how terrified I was that the weekend was coming. I could not even begin to imagine how I could get through 2 days completely sober and I was an emotional, nervous wreck.
Well, I can happily say that at this go around, I feel much more comfortable with the weekend coming. One of my good girlfriends knows that something is up with me as I bailed on a birthday party already this weekend so she nicely invited me over for wine. As it was typed into my phone “oh well I am actually taking a break from drinking, but I will come see you and chat!” I stopped. No. That will not be the outcome. Not with her or anyone for that matter at this point. Her and I have spent a ridiculous amount of time drinking/drunk together. Way more time than sober that’s for sure. So even me putting out there that I will not drink – I will. Or at-least be tempted and I am not ready for that reality and that internal struggle.
I feel a little in between today. I feel good with my progression and my ability to acknowledge the potential issue if I were to go. However, not so good that I know I will have to quarantine myself in the coming weeks to get some time under my belt and to come to terms with all of this change happening in my life.
I cannot help but think that everything always happens for a reason. I have felt that way for as long as I can remember. As I woke up this morning after my first night of not drinking I turn to my phone to browse through my social media. I see a random “Friend liked” post on Facebook about his friend being two years sober. Well that’s ironic I thought. I then drive to work and I hear Carson Daly talking to Lady Gaga on the radio about her new song with Tony Bennett called “Lush Life”. And how she related so much to the song as she use to watch the clock only to start drinking – and is now the most sober she has been in her life.
I remember why I started on this journey and I have lost sight of that over the past few months. I had an emotional break down as I traveled to my hometown to see my family this past week. There I am – drunk – sobbing into my dads arms as I tell him I miss being home and being with my family. How I have doubts about living in California for the rest of my life. That is staying in the forefront of my thoughts as I wonder, “why do I drink so much?” Am I unhappy? Am I lonely? Am I holding onto past bad relationships deep down? I am not sure. I do know that I need to figure all this out as a lot of large decisions will be coming my way in the next month or so and I for the first time in my life am going to be choosing it sober.
I have been thinking a lot lately. “Change or remain the same.” And where I am is not where I want to continue being – so seeing this made me chuckle. 🙂
I have said “Day 1” before – and I can never stick with it. So this time, today is just a day. A day of not drinking. I keep falling off the wagon and watching it pass by me. Sometimes for weeks and sometimes for months. The voices of “you will get through this and you will be ok.” “You aren’t an alcoholic, you can control this, just one – maybe two!” cloud my head all day everyday. I will always remember a follower of my blog left a comment that read “drinking isn’t living. you can live without drinking.” And I know a part of me believes that and a part of me hates that (the addict part).
I have said to my boyfriend and friends that I want to “cut back” because i cant fathom saying out loud “I want to quit”. And even with saying “cut back” they all still laugh at me and say “YAAHHHH RIGHT!!!!” I know if they knew how I truly felt they would be more supportive. I am still just trying so hard to do this on my own, facing the denial, the addiction, and the acceptance is a lot harder then I ever had imagined. One minute you go “there was my ah-ha moment, I’m done.” And two days later you are back at the bottle again.
Ugh… just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.