Cant Win

I feel like this whole process is a lose lose at this point.  When I am drinking I am mad at myself each morning about drinking the night before – remorseful even.  So I spend my days dwelling on the facts that occurred the night before (or what I can remember of them).  And now that I am trying to quit drinking – all I think about is drinking.  Its one bad thing or another.  I don’t want to be remorseful and I don’t want to waste away my days thinking about drinking either.  Lose.  Lose. 

Oprah and Lindsay Lohan: “But you didn’t”

Yes. Yes. Yes. Thank you!!!!

Tired of Thinking About Drinking

the wolfie voice. i watched an interview with Oprah and Lindsay Lohan. Oprah said something like “i personally have experience with addiction; i have an addiction to food.”  She went on to say, “Lindsay, i know alcoholism is a disease, but you’ve been to rehab 6 times, what is the dis-ease in you that makes you drink?”

i haven’t paraphrased this correctly, Oprah phrased it even worse than this, but that’s the gist of it.

Let me tell you, i got all agitated watching the show. I had an answer ready for Oprah that Lindsay left unspoken. I watched Oprah be moderately condescending, and then trying to be sympathetic. But she didn’t get it.

I wanted to be Lindsay sitting in that chair, and I wanted to say this:

Whether alcoholism is a disease or not, i couldn’t say. Really, that would be like asking if depression or anxiety are…

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Shame

Is what covers my face today.  As I got entirely too drunk by myself yesterday.  Why do I do that?  I have no idea and I know I will regret it.  And yet I always convince myself to do it.  I have fallen hard off the wagon and it is only up to me to get back on.  No one else can make make me do it.  I know what I want – I want sobriety.  I want to experience life sober.  I want to look better, feel better, and improve my life.  A lot of positive changes are going to happen in my 26th year of life and I want that change to be part of it.  I do not NEED alcohol.  I choose to poison my body and it needs to stop.  So here it is – I am an alcoholic.  I have a very large problem.  And I am ready to not let that define me.  So here it is world – DAY 1.