I feel like this whole process is a lose lose at this point. When I am drinking I am mad at myself each morning about drinking the night before – remorseful even. So I spend my days dwelling on the facts that occurred the night before (or what I can remember of them). And now that I am trying to quit drinking – all I think about is drinking. Its one bad thing or another. I don’t want to be remorseful and I don’t want to waste away my days thinking about drinking either. Lose. Lose.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Thank you!!!!
the wolfie voice. i watched an interview with Oprah and Lindsay Lohan. Oprah said something like “i personally have experience with addiction; i have an addiction to food.” She went on to say, “Lindsay, i know alcoholism is a disease, but you’ve been to rehab 6 times, what is the dis-ease in you that makes you drink?”
i haven’t paraphrased this correctly, Oprah phrased it even worse than this, but that’s the gist of it.
Let me tell you, i got all agitated watching the show. I had an answer ready for Oprah that Lindsay left unspoken. I watched Oprah be moderately condescending, and then trying to be sympathetic. But she didn’t get it.
I wanted to be Lindsay sitting in that chair, and I wanted to say this:
Whether alcoholism is a disease or not, i couldn’t say. Really, that would be like asking if depression or anxiety are…
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Is what covers my face today. As I got entirely too drunk by myself yesterday. Why do I do that? I have no idea and I know I will regret it. And yet I always convince myself to do it. I have fallen hard off the wagon and it is only up to me to get back on. No one else can make make me do it. I know what I want – I want sobriety. I want to experience life sober. I want to look better, feel better, and improve my life. A lot of positive changes are going to happen in my 26th year of life and I want that change to be part of it. I do not NEED alcohol. I choose to poison my body and it needs to stop. So here it is – I am an alcoholic. I have a very large problem. And I am ready to not let that define me. So here it is world – DAY 1.