So today is starting to look up. Especially given how low I was this morning I am not sure I could go anywhere other than up. I decided to go back to the basics. Went back to my most successful attempt of quitting drinking (15 days) and that all started with Unpickled. So I re-read. I also read Belle’s beginnings. It gives me hope that these women went through what I am going through. That this will all be worth it in the end! Just have to stay strong, and not drink today. And YES – I AM TIRED OF THINKING ABOUT DRINKING!
Who is this person? What is she doing? Why does she do this to herself? She knows right from wrong. Yet still makes the wrong decision. So bad. What a mess. So sick. So ready.
So here I am! Taking on Day 2. Last night was not hard – especially coming off the ridiculous weekend I just had. Tonight, I do not foresee being difficult either. I went through my posts from February and my oh my were they quite down and depressing. Which to be completely honest is the exact opposite of my personality if you ever met me! I think last month was the hard core down and dirty realization that I need to quit drinking. Whereas of now I know it needs to happen it is just MAKING it happen. I have faith that I can do this – just have to take it one day at a time. Continue to read sober blogs, continue to blog, and continue on sober. I also read some great advice which is helping with my day to day mental games. “Do not worry with when you start drinking again and if. If you have decided to stop – stop and worry about those times when they get here.” I started my 100 clock over as of yesterday so I need to not worry about drinking for 100 days – and deal with the days after when they get here. 🙂
On a complete side note – I just booked my flights to Europe with my bf this morning! I have not had a vacation in 6 years as I moved out to LA when I was 19 and all my “Vacation” time is used to go home and see my family. This is also my first trip to Europe, so should be amazing. We are flying into Lisbon, Portugal – probably spend 2-3 days there then fly to wherever our little hearts desire – maybe Paris, London, who knows! Then I have a 5 day music festival in Brussels, Belgium – known as Tomorrowland! I can hardly contain my excitement if I can be completely honest. July needs to be here – LIKE NOW. 🙂
So ya… just thought I’d add a little more fun and less “WAH ME” into this entry! Until tomorrow folks!
I am sitting here at 1:30 pm and I STILL feel awful after the weekend I have just had. Been awake since 430 this morning just staring at the ceiling, finally about to go back to sleep and then SHAKE SHAKE the LA earthquake jolts me up. Simply Awful. I hurt my foot as well this weekend, how you ask?! I have NO idea. As I cannot remember. If that doesn’t tell you about my weekend – I don’t know what will.
I have learned over the past couple of weeks that “plans” are not something I should be doing right now. I should have surrounded myself with my boyfriend and best friend and only them. I should have not gotten so far away from my blog and all you wonderful people that got me through those 15 days. I got distracted… lost my balance. I am ready to get that back. I am mentally ready for recovery (I saw that now, but I am still hungover).
Im sick. I’m tired. Im fed up. I hate feeling this way. Day 1. St Patricks day. How poetic. Today needs to be it. The first day. I must be done.
So if you didn’t catch my last post then here it is in a snippet – “I drank.” Yup, that’s it. After I posted that blog I had multiple people who are also early on in this recovery ask me, “do you know why? what happened?” etc. type of things. It wasn’t until early this morning, 3 am to 6 am to be exact, that I laid awake in bed asking myself that very same question. And then it dawned on me… It came down to the fact that last week – the first drink I took in almost 3 weeks was to “take out the anxiety of the weekend to come.” I had brunch plans, day plans, more brunch plans, etc. this past weekend. My friends asking me why I wasn’t drinking.. ordering drinks for me… potentially drinking… all of it was giving me anxiety. I didn’t know what to do.
So – I bailed out. I had two glasses of wine by myself on Thursday evening because I already knew I wouldn’t make it through the weekend. I was so concerned with their opinion of me and me not being able to say no to drinking that I sabotaged my own sobriety. WOW. Think about that one for a second. ROUGH. I was doing – SO WELL. I felt great. I was happier at work. Looked better. Slept better. I know all this. And yet I DRANK. Out of “anxiety – and not being able to handle” saying no or other peoples thoughts on me saying no. So here I am. On No Days. That one Thursday has trickled into me drinking everyday for the past week. 😦 Onward March Sauvvy… Onward March.
Well… HELLO everyone. Been a while since my last posting – and I will say it’s because I fell of the wagon. Yup, you see that going past… that’s a wagon, and I am not on it. So I sit here on March 10th as Day 1. And you know what… That’s ok. Only the strong ones fall off and have the courage to get back on. 🙂 So here I am… ready to continue moving forward.
Me – Queen of Brunch.
I never turn it down. Endless mimosas for two hours – I’m one happy chick! Well today I went to brunch… No booze.
Ya. I don’t even know what else to say.