addiction, alcohol, recovery, sobriety, the middle

The Darkness Before the Light

I lay here at the end of day 5 and I can’t help but feel completely shaken by this entire week. Today ties the longest I have gone without a drink in years and I know how difficult the next 48 hours will be. So difficult that the last time I tried to quit, I failed on day 6. I do know that I am in a much different place this time around which I hope and believe will work in my favor.

I also know that at this very moment I don’t feel happy. I feel alone, which is my own fault as I haven’t told anyone yet. I have plenty of friends and a wonderful boyfriend and I can’t help but feel as though I’m all alone. Sitting in a dark room with not even an ounce of light being remotely close to coming in. Is there light after the darkness? Is it truly darkest before the dawn? I don’t know. I don’t have the answers to these questions.

I know that whatever is happening in me right now is intense. I don’t feel like me. I feel like someone else. My positive, fun, energetic attitude has escaped me from day 1. I just want that girl back. I want to be me again.

9 thoughts on “The Darkness Before the Light

  1. Please, please don’t lose faith now. I am in the same boat as you (my first sober weekend and no one knows) and I want to complete it with you! As Belle from 100 Days Sober says in the pledge I committed to when I signed up:

    “I will not drink for 100 days. No matter what. I can cry, but I will not drink. I can go to bed or go home early. I might feel distressed… but I will not drink. Bad things might happen, but I will not drink. Incredibly shitty things may happen to someone around me, or my neighbor, or my friend’s friend’s grandmother. But there will be no booze. Funerals? Weddings? Amputation? I’m not drinking for 100 days no matter what happens… No matter what.”

    For now I’m not thinking about 100 days. I’m just getting through each hour, each minute… no matter what! {hugs}

  2. We are basically in the same phase right now. I feel completely and utterly flat. But, we have to go through the flatness and dark to get to the light. Hang in there and feel free to drop me another email.

  3. The greatest gift of my sobriety was discovering and getting to know the real me. It was terrifying at first because I was 33 and had been drinking since I was 14. I realized I had no clue who I was without alcohol (mostly wine). It won’t happen over night, but it will happen and you will be so greatful for the person you discover.

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